FUMING-- toddler was playing in the street

My husband overall is a really great Dad. It makes up for the moments I get frustrated with him as a partner 😉 However. HOWEVER. Tonight was such a f*ck up. Today was hard with my kids (all under 5). He told me he would help out when he got home. Which, not sure what he thinks is helping, but not really anything noticeable or helpful. I still cooked, cleaned, my usual. I was really tired and the weather has been 90°+ but my dog and oldest wanted to go for a walk, so off we went. I left our youngest home with him. As we made our way back to our block, a notice a person by our home and as we got closer it was our toddler!!!! Playing in the street, right off the curb with the stick. Wtf????!!! Our street is busy. Get closer and my son tells me he was looking for us. He is in his underwear and this has never, ever happened. Yell for my husband, no response. Run upstairs and he only then hears me. I yell to him asking what he was doing and explain what happened. His response? Defensive. Yells back "I was on Instagram!" OMG. My husband is a responsible, medical provider and has never been this absent minded. Then, continues to get defensive and then, goes into pity mode and tells the kids "I'm just a failure" Who is this person? An hour has now passed. No other words spoken since I told him it was a big fuck up. Not being immediately remorseful, apologetic and trying to remedy the mood is the biggest turn off. I've never experienced him being so disconnected. I can tolerate almost anything, yep anything, but not our children being unsafe and no remorse over such situation. What can make a guy so checked out with his phone he can't hear a toddler go downstairs (no TV or music was on), not hear the door unlock/open nor our toddler yelling for me? With no emotion after the fact?

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Ugh that’s terrible. Not only the action but no accountability after the fact and putting a self pity act in front of the kids. I’d be beyond pissed. I don’t know how I’d be able to get over that.

I would be livid. Period.

Man men are so stupid sometimes. Sorry I don’t mean to call your husband stupid but mine does some absent minded stuff as well. And it’s like, wait, what were you thinking?? I think it’s also caught you off guard because normally he’s not like that. I mean if he was always absent minded then you would know never to leave toddler with him. Anyways, that’s not cool. I would take him to a therapist and work through that one. That’s not okay as you are right, safety was an issue here. As absent minded as my husband is at times, he’s never been absent minded with our kids.

@Anu you can absolutely call him stupid over this one. Thank you for the understanding and support 🙏

@Sonja LIVID

@Denica oh, I'm beyond pissed. He has given all of us the silent treatment since. I'm PISSED

I'm not at all defending him as I would be livid in this situation, but based on what you wrote this doesn't sound like normal behavior for him. Is it possible something else is going on? But if that's the case, he needs to be able to communicate that. I'm also a medical provider and have had patients die and it can be really hard to deal with emotionally. But I make sure to let my husband know what happened and that I'm not in a good mental space and need some grace. My husband will then take charge of the kids to give me space. I do the same for him if he's had a really bad day at work. But we make sure to communicate that to the other person and always ensure that the kids are safe and supervised

@Sara I asked him how his day went when he got home, he said it was fine. Nothing out of the ordinary-- certainly no tragic events at work. His tone in texting as he left work didn't match his energy when he got home. He seemed tired but we have never had this happen and while I understand accidents, or poor parenting moments can take place, it's his lack of emotion and accountability afterwards that have me upset. He hasn't spoken to me since. I genuinely have no idea what the hell happened to him tonight. We all were on the couch towards the end of the evening and even when the kids spoke to him, they had to repeat or I had to speak up for him to acknowledge them. I'm honestly speechless.

I would try asking again and point out that he's really not acting like himself. Maybe even try telling him that it's ok if he's not able to talk about it right now but you need to know if there's something that happened/going on as something is seriously off with him and it has endangered your toddler as a result (maybe even emphasize that that's not like him). If he was like this all the time, then I'd just say he's an ass but it doesn't sound like that from what you've written.

Regardless of what's going on, I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

I would be FUMING!!! Let him strew and next week once he’s over his sulking because you pulled him up on something ask him if everything is ok. He might have something going on however that’s not an excuse to risk your child getting kidnapped or killed by a car on his watch as he’s putting himself first. Juggle both.

As Sara said. It doesn’t sound like him. When someone does something so out of character they usually have something goin on. It was really stupid I agree - but I’m sure we’ve all made a hefty mistake once of twice. Unfortunately this time It concerned a child which is poor- but he has been moaned at - now better to see if he’s got something else going on x

He had an early start today for work but came over to me while I was still in bed and said sorry. It was a vague apology and he looked like he was trying not to smile. I'm rarely in a bad mood with him but his apology hasn't change my feelings from last night. I'm still thrown off and not happy :/

Ohhhh I’d have been seething! Especially with the “I was on instagram” response. Would that wash with a judge in court if something had happened? No. Whatever happened at work cannot affect the safety of the children at home. My husband works in a traumatic job too, crazy hours and unpredictable but he’s never checked out like that. I would personally ignore the pity sulking, he needs to think about how dangerous that situation was that he let your toddler get into. It’s a reflection on him not you and I would say he needs to comprehend that, work on his issues and improve his capacity to care for the kids when life gets hard xx

That's such a terrifying situation for you to have gone through. I'm so sorry that happened and so grateful your baby was okay. Worse than letting it happen, is the lack of accountability and the attempt to make you the bad guy and himself the victim in this situation. This is not a "forgive and forget" situation. He needs to come to you with a wholehearted apology, an acknowledgement of negligence, honest remorse, and a COMPLETE explanation. If he can't do that then you need to start questioning if he can be trusted with the safety of your children. And if the answer is no, you need to either make decisions or make changes.

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