Presents - AITA?

This isn’t as bad as some of the things I see on this group, and may seem minor, but I’m so sick of my MIL going against what I say as a mum and doing what she wants. She lives a few hours away and is coming up to visit this week. She text me last week to ask if she can bring my toddler some presents up. I explained that with his bday and Christmas being a few weeks apart I’d appreciate her not bringing up toys as he’ll get so many for his bday/christmas, but she could bring him up some books as we’ll never say no to those. MIL agreed with this and asked me to send some titles he doesn’t have, which I did. I spoke to my husband about this to check he agreed too, which he did (and he also mentioned that his mum never asked him about bringing presents, just me). A few days later, my husband showed me a photo his mum had sent of the presents she bought my toddler and lo and behold - toys!! 4 or 5 toys and no books. In her message she wrote, “I know I shouldn’t, but I’m his nanny and I want to spoil him.” I felt so incredibly cross. Of course it’s lovely that she wants to buy him presents, but I specifically asked for no toys to which she agreed. She decided that what I say doesn’t matter and she’s going to do what she wants anyway. This is by no means the first time she has done this. What annoyed me even further is that she text me initially about the presents and not my husband, but then text him the photo of the presents instead of me because she knew I’d be annoyed. For me, this is very sneaky. My husband didn’t back me up at first and it turned into a blazing row, although he now gets it and backs me up. Like I said, I know this is minor compared to some stuff on here but it’s just the fact that she doesn’t care about what I say as a mother, she does what she wants anyway. She wonders why I’ve never look after my almost 2 year old, but it’s because I can’t trust her. Time and time again she proves she’s not trustworthy with things like this. If I can’t trust her to follow my instructions when it comes to something as simple as following my wishes with presents (amongst other things), how can I trust her with following my wishes on taking care of my son? This one just tipped me over the edge. I text her asking her to keep the presents until his bday or Christmas and she didn’t take it very well.

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Why don't you thank her and put the presents away when she arrives and don't get them out until his bday/Xmas or say you'll stagger them - give him one she can choose and then put the others away? I find they can get quite overwhelmed anyway with these things. Sounds normal she wants to spoil him but as she specifically asked you, it should come as no surprise to her. X

Sure it’s annoying she didn’t listen but she could be doing a lot worse than buying your son gifts. Buying him a couple of presents doesn’t mean she won’t listen to more serious parenting instructions. By all means, don’t trust your child with anyone you don’t want to that’s 100% valid but I mean.. they’re gifts for your little boy

We’ve been very frank with people, you buy shit that’s just clutter, we will donate it and if you don’t respect our wishes, we won’t accommodate you. We are very accommodating to anyone who wants to come see and spoil our daughter but that’s with listening to our wishes and this so far has worked. Often MIL will ask my wife to ask me what i think and double check we both like whatever she’s seen or wants to buy. Also I think in the past MIL has bought things that our child didn’t use and so now she’s like oh wait, the parents know best and I should probably ask them what their child will use and not waste my money.

I agree with you, yeah they’re ’just presents’ but it doesn’t matter what they are or what she’s done, she’s asked you, you’ve said no, and she’s completely disregarded everything you said. You weren’t unreasonable, you explained why and you gave an alternative which she agreed to and yet she still didn’t listen to you. She needs to respect your decisions as the parents, I also think it was sneaky that she asked you but then showed your husband. I say this as someone who is fine with my son being spoiled whenever, by my parents or my in laws but as I say it isn’t about the presents ultimately x

Yes it is annoying. My MIL has repeatedly said she wants to get our daughter a rocking horse. We don't have the space for that sort of thing. It's too big! I keep saying that but I think she will get it anyway as that's what she wants to do. It'll go in garage for a bit then get donated.

@Cara this would really bug me! That is a huge item that most kids don’t even use more than twice, and personally I put a lot of effort into creating a beautiful and clutter-free aesthetic, which means we don’t fill every corner with stuff even if there is space. If she doesn’t live close by then I’d literally take one picture of my kid on that thing to make her happy, and then sell or return it to the store immediately

That sounds annoying, sure, but like you said, there are definitely worse things to be offended by. To honest, I can see both sides. She’s probably annoyed her DIL won’t let her bring presents for her grandson and felt you were trying to “control” the situation by only letting her bring books. I like Annie’s idea of bringing out one of the toys now and keeping the rest for Christmas.

@Brandy it bugs me too because if she does get it, all it does is give me a job to do or fill the garage more! Because like you I don't want every bit of space cluttered up

Thanks for your opinions everyone! It definitely isn’t really about the toys, that’s just the context to the whole thing. I think Chloe hit the nail on the head that I’ve said no to something and she’s clearly thought to herself “I don’t care what she says, I’m going to do what I want anyway”. Or that’s how it feels anyway. I just feel as his mum, what I say should go (and of course his dad) whether that’s about toys, my way of parenting or literally anything else. I just don’t like the sneaky way of going about it either. This isn’t the first time this has happened, it’s happened multiple times, this was just the one that pushed me over the edge. When I text her about the whole thing she said “I’m his nanny, I’m allowed to spoil him” as if her being his nanny precedes me being his mum. That doesn’t fly with me at all. I do understand people may think it’s “just presents” but like I said, that’s just the context to it all, rather than what’s actually happening. Thanks again everyone 😊

I hope you responded to her “I’m his nanny” message with “well I’m his mother and as you intend to bring presents into MY house to give to MY son I hope you understand that if you ignore my very reasonable request then there will be only two outcomes 1- the gifts will be immediately removed and stored for bday/xmas. Or 2- if you arrive with ANYTHING other than a book you will not be stepping over the threshold of my house and will have had a wasted journey. Your assessment is of course correct, you are his nanny BUT that title does not override MY title of MOTHER.

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