Am I Wrong?

Step son has made the decision recently to stay with mom 90% of the time. We haven’t seen him in 2 weeks again. Mom hates me and promotes stepson hating me too. Step son is increasingly disrespectful to me and my home and causes a lot of issues between my husband and I. He is one way around his dad.. and rude around me. But since dad never sees it he brushes it off. We didn’t hear from him on thanksgiving and he didn’t come around. I told hubby that if that’s how he feels and how he is going to be then he isn’t invited to the Friendsgiving I set up and planned for today. I’m sick of him only coming around when he wants something or we are going on a trip. He puts 0% in trying to be apart of our family. My two kids, my husband and I are all very close. My kids and I have tried for years to make his son feel apart of the family but the more his mom hates me the more he does and I’m just over it. Am I wrong for saying if he isn’t going to be apart of the family on a regular basis then he won’t be invited to the things I plan and pay for? PS: there is 4 years of a back story on this of multiple things that have happen so if you want the backstory inbox me lol it’s long!

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You're not doing anything wrong. Last year we went on a family cruise to Alaska but left SS home with his mom after not seeing him for 4 months. He was 15 at the time and when his dad told him that he's not going on family trips if he isn't going to be part of the boring things too SS left on a walk and had his cousin take him home. You don't have to put up with being disrespected but your husband needs to stand up for you, even if he doesn't see it

Your feelings are always real and true and you should have boundaries that work for you. Personally, I continue to offer love and connection to our oldest even though I no longer expect anything back. I invite her in because I know her coldness towards me is not personal; she’s likely influenced in ways I don’t see, and may need a scapegoat for having to deal with blended family life (which seems really hard on a kid). I want her to look back and feel like she was always wanted because that leaves the door open for the future. Also I worry that shunning her would have lasting effects on her still-developing brain. That doesn’t mean the distance doesn’t hurt sometimes, and we wouldn’t let her be actively disrespectful, but staying open helps me feel like I’m doing what I can on my side of the street.

It seems like the big problem is your husband not hearing you or being unwilling to stand up for you which sounds so aggravating

@Stephanie husband definitely said he is on my side about it. But he does go back on that from time to time. I’m at work and wondering if he is going to go behind my back to go pick him up for the party. Which will irritate my soul. It’s not that I don’t want him around because I would love nothing but him to be apart of our family. But I will not tolerate you only coming around because you get to go on a trip or you are getting gifts or we are doing something and I would treat my bio kids the same. I feel like at 15 you know wrong from right and he was told this would happen and still makes the decisions he does. I definitely feel mom guilt because no matter how he treats me I love him but I can’t put up with it anymore. He has become very entitled and disrespectful.

If you see him again. Record him !! Everytime you are alone and he's in the house record because they could say some shit like "she didn't record everything she said" record record. You aren't wrong. You shouldn't let that shit slide.

@Amadea I’ve been doing that with him over the last year as he becomes more and more distant. But over the last 5 months he has taken things to a new level. The disrespect is horrible. I’m uncomfortable even talking to him unless his dad is standing near me to hear him because he is just so mean. I’ve gone to stay at my moms before because step son was home and dad was working a lot and it was just all bad without my husband there. He has stolen from my home. He lies to me. He lies to his mom about me. He starts fights between dad and I. Mom and I and even mom and dad. He just very manipulative and it’s to the point I love him but I can’t allow it anymore. If he is only going to come around for special things and be disrespectful during it then just stay away 😢

@Monica I’ve honestly thought about putting cameras up in the house. I have been wanting to get a ring cam and stuff because he claims we lock him out which we don’t. He came home one day and the door was locked (he has lost 3 keys in 5 months and I won’t get him another. He claims he knocked and rang the bell but he didn’t he called his mom and lied saying no one let him in. My son and I were home the whole time. And my house is small plus the dogs bark at anyone at the door

@Amy glad he's on your side and I completely understand where you're coming from. My step son is 16 and is the exact same way

@Amy get them, that kid will give you serious problems. I have a 3 stepsons. Their mom hates me and the oldest has his moments of being just upright rude to his dad. My husband has a lot of patience and he knows it come from the mother of his children. Get the cameras, record or else he can accuse you of something worse.

Thanks ladies! It’s been a rough few years. Its almost made us separate because husband just wasn’t understanding where I was coming from. I’m glad he is starting to realize how it’s been making me uncomfortable specially after this last incident of him lying to his mom and his mom texting my husband “I’m done playing nice with her(me) and so is my son”. He started getting that his son was being brainwashed by mom. He’s starting to get into the same mind set I am where if he isn’t going to come around we aren’t going out of our way anymore specially when he is almost 16. But dad is a softy and will go back on it from time to time. I’m just hoping I can enjoy my Friendsgiving without all the extra. But I also hate I get anxiety whenever things like this come up because I know if he is going to be there he is going to be rude to MY friends.

Update: he isn’t coming. I ask husband why that was if he just didn’t want to or if hubby didn’t tell him and he said he hasn’t been around so he didn’t tell him. Kinda makes me feel like we are starting to get on the same page with his behavior