Have you ever felt that your husband could be gay or is he the perfect father for your kids?

Just wondering how you would know?. He is very affectionate around me yet, I just can’t shake off this feeling he could be gay. He is part of this organisation of men. They have so many events he would attend. He hates gay men that’s what he says. I asked him openly in the beginning if he was ever gay. He got really mad at me for thinking. He enjoys watching porn and months go by us without having sex. We will still do cute cuddles in the couch though. He would just finish and would not care if I’m satisfied or not. He would always say it’s been a while and sorry he came too soon. Honestly we use to have really steamy sex life. We use to kiss a lot but now it’s just a smooch every day. His relationship with our kids and me. Any time, I ask him to go out with our babies his excuse would be “I can’t do social events because it’s going to be crowded. He feels suffocating” We have not been bed sharing because he hates our youngest waking in the middle of the night. I sleep in our kids room. Basically I been making the excuse of sleep training and not wanting to be near him. He doesn’t spend time with our kids. He is always working and he will be home for dinner mostly. But gets mad anytime any of the kids cry. His excuse is that he hates when they cry loud. Honestly they are very well behaved but as kids they do cry in a normal volume. He would pick and choose depending on his mood if he wants to help with a chore of the kids. He would never ask me if I need a break or not. If I ask he would make a huge deal out of it for taking care of them while I’m gone. He screams at our kids and would pass to me in a harsh way the kids when they cry. He would comment that he hates when they cry. I have observed that none of the kids likes to be around him. I can see how scared they are of him. Our kids are 2 years and 10 months old. Let’s not forget he wants more kids. He does have a temper where in the past he had hit a wooden door and made a huge hole. Because I said we can’t go on a schedule dinner since our child is sick. I told him if he lays his hands on me or the kids we are getting a divorce. With everything going on he is a sweet partner he would cook for us and clean the dishes. He would read to the kids and do couch snuggles with all four of us. He has a very toxic relationship with his mom and he is becoming a better person as days go. His willingness of learning and correcting his behaviour is what made me stay for this long. I had a successful career and loved what I did. He thinks it was a hobby and doesn’t respect my choice of working because he thinks I didn’t make enough money close to what he is making. He wants me to be a SAHM. Anytime I try to pick up a job he would make an excuse and stop me.

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Have you ever considered maybe he is overstimulated or suffers with some kind of depression or autistic/adhd? Men don’t usually talk or admit these thorns and if he not been diagnosed he may not know himself. Just an idea.. just as his behaviour changed …. And also the crying of kids and he struggles. Could be a overstimulating feeling for him, but he does love them I am sure. And it can make a man struggle to be in mood or show his emotions towards the partner xx

We lost our home and everything he worked for during a fire. He tried to save our home but we lost everything. He has nightmares time to time of him trying to save our home and been struggling for over a year now. He refuse to get help since it’s not something men do.

That’s so sad. Maybe some trauma then.. like PtSd so he almost disassociates sometimes x

I think he wants to be around and help but he just doesn’t quite know how to regulate his own emotions when they cry. My partner often say the same thing, but he’s much better with them now. You need to help him learn that’s what baby does to communicate since they can’t talk. Tell him how it is ok to step out for a few moments when they cry but do try and come back and be there for them as they’re the ones that are upset, not you. Some dads just don’t know how to bond with babies. And because of that, he probably doesn’t feel too great about being alone with them and is putting off sex. He probably feels bad about it but just don’t know how to communicate. I would start off slow by you four going somewhere nearby together, like the playground. Or if you rather start inside, then just simply be in the same room but have your babies rely on their dad for once, while you are doing something else within visual range. Don’t answer to your kid, say “can you ask daddy, mummy is busy”

@Nattinan that’s so true and it’s exactly what’s happening. Thank you so much for your advice and I will try to implement it and see how it goes.

If he has PTSD from the fire, loud noises and crowded places are very triggering. I have PTSD and I really struggle with noises and people crying - it triggers an irrational level of anger, and that requires therapy and medication. He sounds like he’s trying but can’t handle his own reactions to things going “wrong” (which are normal things), but honestly the last thing I’d be concerned about is if he’s gay??? I’d talk to him about the kids being scared of him and what you can do to mitigate that. If you want to go on outings, plan more solitary activities like hiking - the thought of going someone like a theme park is literally my worst nightmare, I would rather have all my teeth pulled, sensory overload is a big problem. He also sounds very old fashioned in his thinking which honestly, that may be a personality trait that’s very hard to evolve. My husband has evolved some, because I’m insanely bull headed but his initial reactions are very old fashioned

Hey babes I don’t think he’s gay but I definitely agree with the overstimulated part , you guys have been through a lot. Try to start with couples therapy & make it seem like it’s more for you and it’s things you want to work on with yourself and the relationship and it’ll open him up to do the therapy with you and also do some individual sessions

I agree with the above comments, mayb try and see someone to help with his emotions and everything before you have another child since he wants more xx

Hope all will start to change for the better soon! I’ve always been reminded by my partner that on top of being a mum I need to remember to be a lover too, and that means caring and noticing all the emotional support he might need from me, even when he doesn’t want it. I can’t complain since he’s always been more emotionally dependent on me than I was on him since day 1 😂 I chose him so really I always known what I had coming my way haha I love them so I have started to take him on a journey of being more emotionally dependent resilient towards our children, and he’s doing much better compared to when we first started. It’s a learning journey for both of us so it’s crucial we don’t forget about taking our kids there half along with us too as both parents and life-time partners.

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