Can a marriage work out when you're repeatedly being lied to? (Details below)

When I met my husband he was a smoker, about 4 months into our relationship, he made the decision to stop and tried vaping instead. He eventually said vaping wasn't doing anything for him and he stopped all together. I was very supportive of his decision to stop smoking and was very clear to him that in the future if we're to get married and have children, I don't wish for him to smoke or vape as it's not something I want my children growing up to think it is normal. He agreed with me. A couple of years down the line I found a vape in his work bag, I felt really upset as we had his child living with us. I had a difficult conversation with his after which he seemed regretful and apologetic. Skip a couple more years and we are married and had a child together. Unfortunately this is happening again and I'm regularly finding these new vapes either on him when he's fallen asleep or in his work bag. He has an excuse each time. I'm starting to feel like a joke. Do I have the right to be upset and is this a marriage that can still work out?

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I mean if he’s not doing it around you or the kids that’s not a big problem but him lying to you and being sneaky about it is

I don't agree with the fact he's lying to you but he could be doing something much worse, it's not an 'end of marriage' situation. I'd just say look, if you're going to do it, don't hide it from me, but also don't do it in front of me or our child, as he's clearly not going to quit

@Carmen and that's where I'm at at the minute, I feel like I can't trust him because of the amount of times he's lied to me.

@Kirsty I see what you're saying, my worry is that I've lost my trust because of how much he lied to me. If I can't trust my husband, how can I maintain a healthy marriage?

Not making excuses for him but as an ex smoker myself, it can be really difficult, in stressful and social situations it gets even more difficult. He may not have told you as he feels embarrassed that he has slipped back into vaping. Try having a proper conversation with him about it, find out what's made him feel like he needs it without making him feel like he's being interrogated, judged or that he could lose his family over it. Him lying to you about it isn't good but if he's worried about actually speaking to you about it then it's to be expected tbf

I put not a big deal but I want to clarify. I do think lying is a marriage killer. However, that doesn’t mean you should leave him or that he doesn’t love you or can’t stop. My hubby has lied to me about money. I was very upset. But I led with understanding and curiosity. he opened up and explained everything. Now he talks to me much more freely. Ask how you can help him. Say even if you’ll be upset you’ll still be there for him and he doesn’t need to lie. Compromise might be needed for the smoking but lying should be the deal breaker, not his bad habits. It seems that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you or hurt you or fight. (Lying makes it worse tho) Don’t forget the part of marriage where we promised to love all of them. The good and bad and no one in this world is perfect. Is smoking a deal breaker for you? It’s okay either way but you need to be honest with yourself and him about it.

I understand the hurt about him lying but he is probably only lying about this because he knows how much you don’t like it. So I wouldn’t see this as a reason to break up. You need to find a way to support him to stop, rather than forcing him too. As frustrating as it is, it needs to be his decision at the end of the day otherwise it won’t stick

Unstandable girly

I swear this exact story was read out on the luanna podcast?! Was it you? Sending love, lies kill relationships. I hope you can work it out

Id be disappointed if I were you but as others have said as long as he isn’t doing it around the kids or you then he can do what he likes with it…. Yes you’re going to disapprove but it would be the same if someone was a drinker for example, or loved pork scratching even though you know they’re bad for you. I would say that he likely lied because you gave him a very large ultimatum and in all fairness you can’t make someone do something… he clearly loves you enough to believe his only choice was to lie otherwise you’d leave him. I would tell him you’re upset but as it seems he is going to do it anyway don’t hide it from you.

I’ll be honest all too often I’ve seen people lie to their spouse about things like this because they feel pressured to quit something or change something about themselves that their partner doesn’t realize is an addiction that takes more than “I’m going to quit” and then It just stops. Or whatever it is there is an underlying reason why they do it that they haven’t learned to control or manage. Instead of pressuring or making him feel like he has to quite why not be supportive. Ask if he wants to quit or if he agreed to it because he didn’t feel he had a choice. Based on that answer either lay boundaries (like ok he doesn’t have to quit but…. These are the boundaries) or ok you want to quit why don’t we work together to figure out why you feel the need to smoke and either finds a plan to gradually quit or find an alternative behavior that meets the need without smoking.

Smoking is an addiction, you were ok with it when you got together. Vapes get you even more addicted than cigerretes. Why does he feel the need to lie, maybe because of your reactions? Its not easy to just stop so thats why he feel ashamed and to hide it because he knows you don’t like it. As a marriage you need to look at ways to support him to quit if thats what you both want you can research new things to try, patches, gum etc, cutting down slowly. Thats how I’m seeing this. I agree the lying is bad though - hope you can work through it

I accidentally voted get over it sorry