MIL wants “alone time” to give me a “break”
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Sounds like a difficult relationship to navigate. Nothing you say will stop her from behaving badly. You’ve set your boundary, just maintain it. Get a stock answer that you use every-time. ‘Thank you, but we don’t need childcare at the moment. You are welcome to…..’ Use the same answer every-time. Don’t feed the drama. Some people love drama and feed off negative energy, so will intentionally come at you knowing that you don’t want something and knowing that she can go play victim elsewhere. Don’t give her anything. Practice saying your answer and taking deep breaths until the moment passes.
It’s so scary when they ask for alone time! What is it that they want to do that you can’t with parents around? I would try to be as firm as possible. No we don’t really need the help maybe someone else does.
You could just say "husbands name* and I have decided and it's final, but thank you for the offer". That way you and your husband are a united front and you are shutting it down politely.
I would just say, “I didn’t become a stay at home mom to pass my children off to someone else. This is what our family chose and we enjoy it but thank you for offering. You are welcome to come see the children at suitable times for us both” You don’t even need to give a reason if you don’t want to. As they say, No is a full sentence.
Thank you everyone for your responses. The drama has already started and the family member that she involved in the conversation messaged me and said I shouldn’t be in the way of her relationship with her grandchildren My husband has sent a firm message back to the aunt telling her we aren’t leaving our children alone with anyone and she is welcome to meet them with either of us parents around. And if she continues on this path she wont be seeing them at all. I know this is going to spiral now but I’m so glad he doesn’t pander to her behaviours.
“Thank you for the offer but at the moment we are in a happy routine. I will definitely take you up on it if I ever need to!” She’s going to be upset and try and manipulate you with statements like ‘you don’t let me see my own grandchildren’, which you know is a lie. Hold firm! Good to know you and your husband agree on this, too, as you can stand firm together :)
I am so glad your husband is on your side 🥰 Just block her 😂 all seriousness though. Just because she didn't want to raise her children doesn't mean you don't want to raise yours.
Just came here to say your husband is a legend. This is still a really stressful situation for you to deal with but he could set a lot of husbands a great example with his firm approach. As for what to say, the poster who said essentially 'no thank you and that's our final word on it' is the best approach. Don't try to over explain yourself as that opens up a conversation about it and gives her things to say 'but' to. I'd just shut it down politely and firmly, referring back to what your hubby has said if you need to, to show a united front x
Thank you everyone. My husband really went through it as a child so he’s worked on his childhood trauma through therapy and is firm and fair in his relationship when it comes to his mum. She however thinks she never did anything wrong and was the best mum. She also ignores what he says as “she knows best” I come from a big happy family and I tend to be a people pleaser so I find it difficult when I’m confronted with all the accusations and cornered by her. I’ve never left my children with my own mother and she’s never asked to have that either. She’s happy to support when we go to play centres and parks and everything. And I’ve offered my MIL to join in on such things with her son rather than me if she prefers. But for some reason she just wants to be alone with the little ones who are 2.5years and 10 months old.
@Ali we can only speak English! She only speaks to her sisters really and has a husband but he’s a man of few words and doesn’t get involved in her drama. Not much of a social life but they like it that way. Naturally she likes to tell her family a sob story and make me out to be a villain. Even though her own son will tell her where we stand. I think she repeats her requests because she believes one day we will say yes (and also what we say doesn’t matter as she is right and we are wrong for having boundaries) I am neutral in my relationship with her. Always try and be civil and not rude as I know she likes to play victim and paint a different picture to what’s happening in reality. She treats my husband with disdain and disrespects him which makes me dislike her. She’s done and said absurd things throughout my relationship with him but it was easier to ignore. Now that I have kids, I don’t want to be quiet anymore and want her to know it’s not ok
My MIL does this it’s so weird. She once said to me “being a grandparent you can do all the things you never had time to do as a parent with your grandchild” I was flabbergasted but my husband seems to think nothing wrong with that. I’m a SAHM too and my child is the most important thing so I’m not wanting time off. Also my child is not anyone’s chance at becoming a parent again sorry. How is this normal? Also just say to her you’re not ready to leave your children alone with anyone yet hopefully that will stop her asking for a while xxx
I will would write out one message clearly saying no explaining why and every time she asks again just copy and paste the same message
If she starts sending u messages just block her - stand ur ground and let your husband deal with her. It’s great he’s strong minded on this and because he is, it means you can get as little involved as possible. Let her say as she pleases, it won’t change the outcome it may make things worse for her even.