Marriage advice

So I'm kinda I guess you can say confused about this whole marriage thing...so we've been married for 2 yrs. Everything moved rather quickly with us. We got pregnant quickly (not planned) we got married quick, moved away from family and friends to "start fresh", got pregnant again and now I have no help. I'm constantly stressed and crying, have ppd and ppa. I've always struggled with depression so there are very bad days where I'm just crying while attending my boys because I still have to take care of them right..he works m-f 8 hrs but I feel like he doesn't really help me at all. I've told him many times what he can do to help me out, not even anything exaggerated or anything either. All I kept asking him is clean up after yourself and play with the boys while I tidy up the kitchen/wash all the bottles or try to shower. He does for a day then hoes back to him being him. Can't say we argue about it because I just burst out angry at him telling him to pay more attention to the boys, they get so excited to see him coming home for then him to shower (its fine whatever) to going outside to smoke to going back to the bathroom taking along time for then him to sit in the livingroom on his phone. Yeah he plays with them a bit but then goes back to his phone. He usually "helps" when I have lots it and start screaming and throwing things and break down crying. I hate being like that infront of my boys, breaks my heart, feel like the same cycle as my parents...then he keeps asking me why I get like that why don't I ask for help and those little questions just boils my blood all over again because I do ask for help from him especially over the weekends but so far not so much. When he's here we hardly talk because I'm in a "mood" and he's on his phone..I do miss us before getting pregnant. I do still love the guy he just pisses me off so much sometimes..is that marriage? Am I doing something wrong? We don't have anyone close enough that I'd feel comfortable leaving our boys for a bit for a date or anything. I don't know what to do.

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I relate. We moved fast too. 8 months dating I became pregnant. We are engaged now and our son is 3. Kids change relationships, it changes your dynamic completely. You haven’t done anything wrong. You may feel like you’re in the roommate stage, and it sounds like you’re carrying the mental load of the household as well. It’s important to remember your job is just as important if not more, just because you don’t bring in money and it’s hard to see the progress being made because he isn’t around to see all the things you do, does not lessen the load or hard work you put in. Perhaps you need to sit and have a heart to heart. Tell him you’re mentally drowning. Tell him you feel disconnected from him and like you aren’t getting the support you need to make sure you stay healthy. If you aren’t mentally healthy , you cannot function well enough for your kids and partner. That’s just what it is. It’s hard for our partners to grasp that I think.

It took basically 3 years for my fiancé to figure out that I was going to drown if he didn’t help me…it was getting bad…He’s stepped up. As for your ppd and ppa, I have found journaling, learning techniques to calm myself, & taking ashwaganda has helped me a lot w stress and anxiety. Feel free to message me if you’d like.

I dont think your husband realizes AT ALL the stress, demands and pressure that is on you daily. I think he should absolutely step up more- working or not. My husband is in the trades, gone at 5am daily sometimes 4am, home in the evenings and helps with the kids. You are not getting a break from the home or kids so your checked out, over stimulated, burnt out. You need a break. I suggest leaving the kids with your husband for a weekend- Saturday and Sunday. See how he's feeling by the end of Sunday. You express over & over and nothing changes or changes for a short amount of time, with time resent will start to build up towards him if it already hasn't. Getting pregnant so soon and then engaged /married wouldn't even allow you to get to know your husband properly! and with kids- no matter how good the kids are, your relationship and dynamic of relationship changes. He needs to get off his phone and start being engaged with his children when he comes home and ask you- how are you? Do you need anything?

Do you think its possible that maybe he also has depression and he is not seeing the full picture? Maybe talk to him about his phone addiction (he may be using his phone to evade his mind from being anxious or depressed) Try to have a calm conversation about it, aknowledge his work and him supporting the family, but also bring up that you need him to be there for you too, that you also need some breaks to breathe, shower, sit for a coffee and do other stuff…. I think you are going through a hard time but you guys are still on time to fix. You can also ask him about his state of mind, ask him if he may be depressed

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