Stressed Out

What is he actually doing differently than normal to help support your goal? Is he taking on some of these household tasks? Helping you study? Taking care of the kids so you have time to get assignments done? If he has time to criticize and complain about your lack of "us time", he better also be carrying a significant amount of the weight in return. This sounds like a communication issue. Let him know that "support" isn't a state of mind, it's an action. Give him specific tasks and see if that helps.

That sounds very frustrating :( they just be saying shit….he didn’t intend to actually change his actions to actually support. Is this the PM certification by any chance?

@Sage thanks for the insight and for helping me feel less crazy. I don’t feel like he’s doing much extra. Yes, he does watch the kids while I’m at the library studying, which is about 3 hours on Saturday and Sunday, so there is that. I asked him last weekend to put away the laundry while I was at the library studying. He grumbled when I asked, but did most of it (but I had to finish the rest when I got home). I told him this week that I was stressed and could use some help. He got defensive and said “I thought I was helping. Maybe you’re just not seeing the things I’m doing.” It’s frustrating to me that I have to treat him like a child it seems - ask “can you take out the trash?”, “Can you put the breakfast dishes in the sink” etc.. I’m also reminded of how he never used to do the dishes. After many years of me asking him, he will occasionally load the dishwasher unprompted.

@Mercedes thanks for the support. No it’s a Marketing certification (CPSM)

This is just my opinion. Personally, it doesn't sound like y'all equally share household responsibilities at all. You both work full time? Yet when he comes home from work, he gets to relax and do whatever he wants. On the other hand, you have a whole second job of being homemaker. That doesn't seem fair to me at all. It would be one thing if he was the only breadwinner and your job was solely taking care of the home & kids. But if you are both working full time and both contributing financially, why is the primary burden of homemaking falling on you? I mean no offense to you or your husband. As an outsider looking in, this is just what I notice as being "off"...

@Sage so actually my husband does not work. He gets an inheritance, so he still contributes financially. He left his job two years ago. I don’t think he will find a new job until his inheritance runs out. The job situation is this whole other mess that I don’t even know how to deal with. I completely agree that we don’t share equal household responsibilities- that has been a constant problem during our entire relationship. It feels like he gets to relax and do whatever he wants pretty much alll the time. When I bring up the disparities between who does what around the house, he puts it back on me - saying that it’s my fault; I need to tell him what he needs to do; or that it’s not “a pissing contest” . I think what particularly bothers me is that it’s like I can’t do something for myself (get a haircut, pursue my career) without him making me feel guilty for it. Even now I’ve been thinking, well maybe I should skip studying today and we can go sledding as a family.

😐 oh no…that makes it worse in my opinion…..he contributes financially from inheritance he should be contributing a lottttt in other ways, or also pay for a cook and weekly cleaners etc to take burden off of you!! Nah

That sounds unbearable tbh he’s just relaxing but you feel guilty for getting a haircut. And if you give them lists and explicit instructions, they still resent it in a different ways, and they may or may NOT even execute items on the list. Then it turns into you as a wife are too bossy or particular. They all do the same shit

Wow. Okay, so again this is all opinion and I'm no expert or anything lol. But I'd recommend sitting down and having a serious conversation about how you feel about all of this. When he tries to put things back on you or disregard your experience, let him know that as his partner you deserve to be heard and you deserve the space to share your feelings, regardless of his opinions on the matter. Additionally, I would suggest maybe having assigned "chores". It doesn't work for everyone but it was helpful for my husband and myself when we first got together. I never wanted to "nag" him to help me, and I also felt like I didn't deserve to carry around that mental load either. My husband loves to cook, so that became his primary responsibility. He cooks, meal plans, and grocery shops. He also takes out the trash and does all of the bathroom cleaning whenever we deep clean the house. I take care allthe other household tasks.

I think overall I may still have "more jobs" around the house. However, I prefer it this way. I'm a lowkey control freak and I like having my house my way lol. I also love being the one who primarily does all the planning for the family (like presents, parties, getting new clothes/shoes, haircuts, etc). I still primarily take care of the kids as well, but especially when they are young they tend to be glued to mom anyway. However, my husband is more than willing to step in and help if I need it. Also, since he's the one that manages all food in the house, I don't have to worry about that huge responsibility with the kids. If they're hungry, they ask him. We have all boys and they love to play video games too, so their dad often plays with them as a way to entertain them. My situation is different. I have step-kids who aren't here full time except in the Summer, and they are all 6+ at this point. So what works for me doesn't necessarily work for everyone. Just my suggestions!

My husband and I both work full time as teachers, and I'm now pregnant with our next little one. Additionally, I'm 2 semesters away from finishing my master's degree. So our "assigned chores" sometimes have to be fluid. Especially being pregnant, I'm so tired all the time that my husband often has to step up and do some of my work too. Other times when he's sick or overwhelmed at work, I take on some of his work. Ultimately, marriage should be a team sport. Life is hard, especially with kids, but the two of you are teammates who should be able to rely on one another for support as needed. If he isn't pulling his weight, remind him that you have to be in this together. Don't give up yet. It's easy as a stranger to sit here and talk mess about your hubby not doing his share. But he's your partner, and your relationship deserves all the second chances to make things work for both of you. Keep your head up! 🤍

Mama, I think you need some marriage counseling. If you have expressed your emotions and nothing is changing, then you need another plan. Many times it doesn't matter how nice you say something, the tone is not aggressive, you pick the right timing and still you're not heard. Counseling brings the perspective of a third party who doesn't have anything to gain by telling your husband the truth. In therapy you both can come up with a set plan to how this 2.5 months will go while you're working on your career i.e. who's cooking, washing, cleaning on what days so you have a clear understanding of what your day to day will be and you aren't stressed.

@Jennifer that’s really great advice. I’d like to add, sometimes it can be hard finding a counselor, finding one that you like and marriage counselor you both agree to even start seeing.the added pressure of finding one immediately before the 2.5 month course could be a lot. If they can cool but even beyond the class, they should get one to talk about how the 2.5m went, and then how things should change moving forward

Your issues with him not pitching in aside for one moment, I’m curious, why did he not share his inheritance with you? I mean, you are married and have children after all, so if tomorrow you decided to divorce him, you would get half anyway. That seems like a better option for you at this point because how can you live with someone so selfish? 🤷🏽‍♀️

@Sage thanks for all your support and advice. Sometimes it helps just to be able to talk about these things to someone else. I realize I’ve always had my own issues with speaking up and feeling like I have to do everything on my own. But I do think I will look into marriage counseling after this certification program is over. I think I just need to focus right now on getting through this program.

Keep your head up! You are strong and you can achieve anything you put your mind to. 🤍

@Neena it’s interesting you mention that. my father in law actually set up his will so that his daughters in law don’t get anything. He wanted to keep his money with blood, so after his sons it goes to his grandkids. That hurt my feelings so much when I found that out, but I guess he set it up that way exactly for cases of divorce. I was never expecting anything, but he wouldn’t have his grandkids without the women who birthed those kids…. And it frustrates me that I am the only one contributing to a 401K, which I believe I would have to split if were to get divorced.