Would you rather be known as a good mom or as a good wife?

Obviously both would be ideal, but if I had to choose one it would be a good mom. I’m not raising my husband, his mother did that but I am raising my son, it’s up to me to make sure he succeeds in life and is a decent human being. If I wasn’t a good mom, he won’t be a good human. At the end of the day, he will grow to reflect the type of person I was during his early years and I’d hate to know I was a bad mom and made a ‘bad’ adult.

Known to who? I want my husband and my family to know I am trying my best to be a good wife, not just a mother. He is still my family too and we take care of each other.

I think if you picked the right person, both parents trying to be the best parent they can be allows being a good spouse to fall into place. When we work as a team we are happier as a family and have more energy to then give to each other.

If I had to pick one, I’d pick being a good mom, and hope that being a good mom translated into me being a good partner. I’m only capable of raising my child the way I do because I am myself, and if that’s not good enough, I’m not for you. But id hope that it levels itself out.

I don’t care about men. My kids always

Good mom is all I am focused on being.

I think both are important. I think it’s important to be a good mom, but it’s also important for your kids to have a positive adult male in their life and see what a healthy relationship looks like too.

Ideally, both, but if I had to put 100% of my energy into 1, then I'd choose being a good mum. Another question, though, is what is a good wife? What does that consist of? To me, that's just loving my husband, communicating well with him, and being faithful. It doesn't take much, and it 100% has nothing to do with how much I contribute to the household. You can be an amazing mum and wife as long as you have a good partner.

I see like this.. a man comes and goes.. your child is gunna be your child forever… ima put my efforts into that more than anything .. being the best mama I can be to and for him

To us our marriage comes first. If we aren't happy we can't be the best parents. I always try to be the best wife to my husband and I can also be the best mom to my kids. They have different needs. Kids want to play with mom and dad, new clothes, warm bed, food, and a happy home. My husband needs time with me, attention, a listening ear and of course things in the bedroom. They have different needs. If there's days I'm burnt out then I focus on the kids but most days I focus on both things and I know my husband does too.

If I can only choose one, a good mum. My husband can live without me and I can without him. We want each other, we don’t need each other. My kids actually need me.

Both

I believe i am both. Not saying I'm perfect, I have my days but I don't my best to take care of them both. With that being said, I think it depends on who you ask lol If you ask my mother in law, I am not a good partner because I don't let him be lazy all the time or we fight like normal couples. But she doesn't like me cuz I don't let her get away with being toxic lol but if you ask my sister in law, I good at both 🤷‍♀️ so it all just depends

Husband can always remarry and get another wife. The kids can never have another mum. Or in other words, while I hope to always be my husband's wife, it's technically not guaranteed. But I will always be my children's mother. Good mum > good wife.

@Norma while there have indeed been studies on this, I just want to clarify that real life is more nuanced and there is research to back that up too. Parental alienation and divorce is a risk factor, but so is interparental conflict - and it's not always possible or healthy for one person to be the single one holding the marriage together or suffering silently "for the sake of the kids". Statistically, if the choice is between a high conflict marriage vs a low conflict divorce, low conflict divorce is better for the child. And if parental alienation does happen, the impact of that too is moderated by the strength/nature of the bond between the child and the remaining parent. You can also look at ACE (adverse childhood experiences) and compare the risk factors of staying in the marriage vs divorcing. Divorce counts as 1 risk factor, whereas growing up and witnessing conflict/abuse/addiction etc could mean several risk factors.

In other words, divorce *is* a risk, but if you're gonna "stay together for the kids" it's more along the lines of, "even if the passion is gone and we don't really love each other anymore, we should suck it up, put on a united front for the kids and stay together for their sake" and not "even though my husband employs weaponised incompetence and leaves me with no support, I better stay with him for the sake of the kids" and it certainly doesn't mean "I know he degrades and insults me all the time but the research says that fatherlessness will turn my kids into criminals so I'll just keep trying to be a better wife and stick it out". I just don't want anyone reading to feel guilted into staying in a horrible relationship because they're scared for their children's futures if they leave. The literature does *not* say that marriage is better under those circumstances.

https://novopsych.com.au/assessments/diagnosis/adverse-childhood-experiences-questionnaire-ace-q/ The ACE test (10 items, takes 2 minutes to complete). Results are sent by email. The higher the score the worse outcomes for the child (in practically all manners of life - ability to hold down a job, likelihood of committing crime, mental and physical health outcomes, addiction, ability to keep secure relationships etc etc). Anything 4 or higher basically triples your risk of everything from depression to lung disease, and makes you more than 10x more likely to attempt suicide. An ACE score of 1 doubles your risk of alcoholism, an ACE score of 2 quadruples it. Useful to assess yourself and your kids honestly.

A mom. While my kids grow up and leave me. My kids are why I’m still alive. Can’t say much for my partner but my kids saved me.

@Norma i wasn't saying you were suggesting that but people could interpret the research in that way (must stay married at all costs or risk the children suffering) and given that that already is a common sentiment especially in certain cultures and subcultures, I was concerned that the studies could lead to that mindset becoming even more persuasive. I more often see women staying in marriages they shouldn't rather than leaving marriages they should have stayed in, so I just didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

Sheesh .. 😅🙃🙄

I love that 0% chose wifey 😂🤱🏽

@Lindsay , same. 😂🤷🏾‍♀️

Both are important but mom is #1 focus for me.