Help! My mom is disappointed by how much time we spend together
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@Jessie It seems like she was expecting to be over every day. So I can see why she’s disappointed! But I’m not the type of person that can do that, yk?
3 hrs 2-3 times a week, sounds more than enough.
@Jasmine I’m trying to fit as much as I can!! It’s hard bc she doesn’t know anyone else here & I’m the only support system
Every other day is kinda crazy in my opinion. To me those are super unreasonable expectations. That’s not on you. That’s on her. Boundaries you know. Try not to feel bad.
Could you help her find community resources to do on days she's not with you? Maybe something at the library or community center.
To me 2-3 days a week seems good enough. If you would also like to increase the time you guys spend with her, you could make her part of your routine at another time of the day, like doing school pick up time and having lunch together. If you don't want to fit in more time together, help her find alternatives to build a social life. Elderly people tend to suffer from loneliness and if she just moved to be closer to you, she is certainly missing some of that.
I would say that’s a lot. Did you ask her to move closer to you? Or was it all her decision? How far was she before?
It sounds like she’s lonely and needs to find things to fulfill her own life and not just rely on you.
Thats a lot for a week . But if you and kids want to spend more time , maybe you can leave only kids at her place for couple of hours and you do your own gym or grocery or just chill at some other place . Depends if your mother can manage kids by her own .
How much more time is she talking ? 🤨 is it 2-3 times every week ? That’s a lot but then again I’m not a family person so idk. I
If it was my mum I’d be seeing her less tbh that sounds like a lot already!
Maybe the right solution is helping her find other hobbies and make other friends to help fill up her schedule. That and or recruiting her to help you with the other time consuming things in your life like cleaning house and running errands. Possibly send the kids to her one day a week to have time for yourself
@Jessie Thanks you 💗 Keeping boundaries is so hard!!
@Dana Lew I’ve offered several times! But she says she’s not interested or that it’s too hard to do alone. We have a very active community so there’s tons of options I wish she’d take advantage of
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@𝔾𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕖 I’ve definitely tried! I’ve offered to find community activities & I’ve also offered to set her up with older friends of mine. I wouldn’t mind seeing her more but when I offer to make adjustments she says she doesn’t want me to change anything. I’m also the one who does 100% of the inviting & planning so it gets hard
@Hollie She always said she wanted to live near us & I told her I’d absolutely love her to be close! She was a two hour plane ride before. I think the problem is she expected to be over all day every day. And unfortunately I can’t accommodate that
@Karen Ive offered to help her find things! But she either declines or says it’s too hard. But you’re right in that it’s hard to be her only support
@Priyanka This would be good when they’re older! I’ll keep it in mind! But right now I wouldn’t leave them with her - they’re too young for me to be comfortable leaving them like that
@Jody I think she was expecting every day.. like just being a part of our daily routine. And I definitely love having her around but I’m not the type of person who can hang out with someone every day, yk?
@Skye I feel like such a disappointment! But I don’t think I can accommodate her expectations
@Jessica I’ve offered a bunch of times to help her find other things! I’ve looked in to community programs & offered to set her up with some friends I have that are her age. She either says no or that it’s too hard. Yeah, I might be willing to send them over when they’re older. But they’re too little for me to be comfortable with that rn. Recruiting for errands is a good idea though! I’ve offered a couple times & she said no lol. But maybe I’ll try again
You aren’t a sucky daughter. You are not responsible for her happiness. She is the one being unhappy, so she is the one who needs to propose solution. “Mom, I love you very much and I’m sorry to hear that you are dissatisfied. I’ve offered a few solutions but you haven’t accepted any of them - so now I need you to come up with some solutions so that we can find something that works for both of us. I’ll be waiting to hear what you come up with.”
She should get a life in the place she moved in. 2 or 3 times a week plus holidays is already a lot. She should understand you have a family and that she can't be there all the time. You are not responsible for her. She is your mom and you are already a great daughter by trying to fix things. Tell her you just can't do more. That you understand she might be disappointed but you can't do better as a mom and partner. She should understand that
I see my mum most days if I’m on my own with the children, I find it helps break the day up for me whilst on maternity leave as it gets lonely. Even if it’s just in the afternoon! Maybe she just wants to come over and help out? But yeah you need to do what’s right for you, equally you don’t want to become reliant on the help! 2-3 times a week is more than most x
You’re absolutely not a disappointment there’s only so much you can do. It’s not your job to keep her company or entertain her she needs to find things she can do herself too! X
Yeeeessshh, I wouldn’t wanna see my mum that often and I love her to pieces. I think she’s being quite unfair and unreasonable tbh. Life is busy
Why have a schedule for your mum to visit? Do you have a good relationship with your mum? My door is always open for my mum to come to my house. Of course she checks before coming over spontaniously...
When you have kids (any age) and 2-3 times a week at roughly 3 hours is a part time job. I’m sorry but it is especially including holidays. You’re going to have to take her “no’s” realize you’re raising kids and say “this is the time if you’re available, if not, no can do.”
I think I see my parents and in-laws once a month if I’m lucky lol She can be unhappy, it’s up to you set limits and boundaries for what you can manage too. It’s hard but It’s a her problem not a you problem ❤️
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@Rebecca Thank you 💗 It’s hard when all of my ideas are rejected! I’ll try this approach for sure
@Aurélie Thank you 💗 I had hoped she would understand! But this is our second or third conversation about it & each time it seems like she is still disappointed by what I can offer. Which is a bummer bc I do like having her around!
@Alex I agree it helps break up the day! But I really love days alone with my babies. Which we’ve talked about before & she agreed bc she loved that as a SAHM too. So I thought she would kind of get it but idk. Loneliness is hard
@Skye Thank you 💗 It definitely feels like my job! So it’s really nice to hear someone say it’s not
Yeah you need that time too!! I spent so much time with my mum on my first mat leave, my little boy gets upset when she leaves him 🤣🫣. Do what’s right for you xx
@Char Lolol I’m really fairly solitary by nature so it’s hard to be around people all week!
Yes. It's a hard one. Maybe remind her that. Tell her you enjoy so much she is around and that you are so grateful to have her there. Maybe ask her if there's something she would like to experience or learn there. If she needs help to find some activities. Well the problem is not you. The problem is that she is having unreasonable expectations. Maybe helping her finding a good balance in her life may help.
@Vicky I offered it bc she was unhappy with how much I’m seeing her. And she never initiates plans, it’s always me texting her asking if she wants to come over or if we can stop by her place. And I mean that literally lol - she has never once asked. And with how busy life gets it is hard for me to make the plans every time. I thought if we had set days at least she would know the days she was going to see us for sure & would have that to look forward to & could help make sure she is over here as much as possible. And I’ve told her she’s always welcome, but she never asks first 🤷♀️
@courtney So true! I never thought of it like that. It’s hard to make plans for half the week!
@Kimberley Thank you 💗 She says it’s not my problem too but then we’ve had this same conversation a handful of times. And she tells me she’s lonely & expected to see the kids more so it’s hard to ignore 😞
2-3 times a week is a lot!! I’ve never seen anyone that much except my husband. I wouldn’t feel bad.