Confused about what to do about the father of my kids? I feel lost and need Advice please
Father of my kids was horrible to me in the past cheated , had sex with me in my sleep , I lost my virginity to him by rape and I continued to sleep with him (I didn’t love myself) I’m not sure why but I had no support system from my family. I felt like the ugliest person on the planet because that’s what my mother made me feel like. He flashed his private part to my mom and I believe he was sleeping with his half sister. As the years went on there was so much trauma but we had a kid and my parents basically said that we were young and should make it work and it was wrong to have kids with anyone else now so I felt my life was over. I listened to him about not wearing condoms and felt I had to compete with other women to keep him or else I would be worthless I know it doesn’t make since. I know it’s dumb but I stayed we ended up having two more kids. I had ptsd so bad and trauma it felt unbearable to overcome and get out of and I felt no one would ever want me. We got pregnant back to back and my parents were on drugs. In tell I kept praying and finally had enough strength to separate and not chase him. I lost weight, felt the most amazing I have ever felt in my life and was moving on. We eventually started to talk as friend’s and were coparenting good and I forgave only because of God. He helped when I was in a bad place and he was living in a bad environment. I was tired of having to split the kids with him and asked if he wanted to move in as friends. He agreed but would act like we were together and then disappear. I would tell him to stop and he would act like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and I found myself telling him no but going along with it (nothing sexual) we have fought off and on for the past few months because he’s been lying about drinking. He apologized and asked if we could try to make a relationship work and I stupidly agreed we only feel right when I drink with him and I don’t have to think of the trauma. Last night we drank I made dinner and fell asleep in his room. I woke up to it felt like he was poking me with his d*** and the back of my pants were wet. I asked him and he said he went to the bathroom and did that and his pants were still wet. I don’t know why I continue to let this happen. I feel stuck it’s weird I feel like I can’t live without him because he’s dangerous when he drinks and I’m afraid something will happen but to people he comes off as a sweetheart and everyone thinks he’s a good person. We attend the same church and he’s close with the pastor. (It’s a small church) I don’t think they believe me or think I’m accusing him. I’m the one who took him to this church and I’m Not sure what to do. I have no friends, I’m out of work because my anxiety got so bad. He apologized right after and acted as if it was normal and still thinks we’re working towards a relationship. I’m still out of work. Need a doctors note to go back it’s been a month. I’m seeing a therapist but the words don’t come out right and I’m anxious to talk. I’m scared and I’m struggling to get a job because my head is everywhere and I keep canceling interviews or freezing and walking out and I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t want to loose my apartment and don’t want to loose my kids. I feel lost and defeated. I need advice but please nothing hurtful. My heart is hurting 💔
Run and start over take your kids but run . There is nothing for you where you are at it just makes sense to go somewhere else that’s safe . I would suggest somewhere like atl or nyc where they have resources for single mothers