Boyfriend wanted to exclude me from the threesome I suggested 😭

Okay, here‘s a tough one… please no judgement. 5 years ago before we were married or had kids, I had an affair. We had a lot of issues and I didn’t feel like I was getting through to him although I was trying soo many times to talk to him. I got the feeling that I wasn’t a priority to him, we lacked passion and I felt like the relationship had already died. My bf at the time had a crush on me and would always make time for me, make me feel important etc. so it happened.. we had an affair, I ended it and confessed to my boyfriend. I really, really fought for him. THEN a few years later (I still felt bad), he told me he feels like he had missed out with sexual experiences, so I suggested we could make some with another girl, together. The 3 of us made out and touched. Then she didn’t want to move further because she didn’t feel ready after her breakup. I was visiting my family in another country and he calls and tells me, he wants to do it by himself, without me bcs I was too dominant and leading in the whole story and gave him the feeling he did things wrong. I felt super hurt by him saying he’d want to kick me out of this thing. Then, for months he said he was obsessed with the idea of being intimate with her and that it frustrates him that we didn’t get to this point. Thoughts?

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I don’t really feel like you can be mad. To me once another person is in the sexual part of y’all’s relationship there aren’t lines anymore. But I’m traditional so those are just my thoughts. No judgement tho.

But he should want to be intimate w you

Regardless of what you did in the past, he chose to be with you and move past it. You shouldn't have to feel sorry for it years later if you have put in the effort and shown up. It doesn't need to be balanced or an IOU as yall BOTH decided to move past it. It's not something that should be held against you. If he is obsessed with fucking someone else and wants to do it, it still needs your okay because this is decision is based on your relationship Now, not from 5 years ago. It's cheating if it's not mutually agreed upon.

Yall could be in a fully open relationship and doing it with 10 other people, but if he says "not Jeff from the gym" then that's the boundary set. Same goes for you

This is creepy he needs mental help . That’s how men end up raping a girl.

I mean by obsessing over her just because he thinks she would want to , not threesomes or any of the other details but no he decided to stay with you it’s said and done . A cheat for a cheat is a gross idea and would only cause more issues. It’s just an excuse.

To add.. he chose to marry you and have kids. That in itself is committing to sex with one person the rest of his life. If he wasn't ready for that, he should have chosen a different path. I've been with my man since we were 18. We've only been with one other person each prior to being together. My man has never made me feel like he missed out or wants someone else. If he has any fantasies or new things he wants to experience, we talk about it and then try it out.. I'm mad for you 😒

@Haley about that, he talked to me openly about how the fantasy of it happening was in his mind and that it bothered him. I think it’s more so a man being honest about how they’re testosterone gets to their head. He didn’t even want to do it anymore, it was just the fantasy in his mind because I kindof planted it there. But I definitely give him credit for talking so openly about his thoughts and making himself vulnerable. Although it hurt hearing that his mind was stuck to the fantasy. I was raped myself, so definitely no judgement to your comment here. I know we can get attacking when we got attacked. He’s not a rapist, not even in his mind. When I got raped, he stood by my side and was super understanding and supportive (we met right after the rape)

@Jayliz thank you for your thoughts on it, I really appreciate it! I think what I need to give him credit for is that he decided to tell me and he told me without wanting to actually do it. He asked for my consent. So I guess that’s a good thing. Better than me just doing it back then (I was younger and more stupid back then.. mad at myself, too)

That’s good to hear the way I originally read it made it sound like he was really obsessing over the idea of sex with her. I don’t think I would give him a pass still, that’s not fair to you regardless of past mistakes. You have to move on together. Don’t blame yourself for his thoughts— you may have “planted it” but he is definitely “ watering it “ and he isn’t innocent in this either..

@Haley, I am so glad we talked about it and I could shine light on this. He‘s definitely not the creepy rapist type of guy, it came more from an over-honest person. I think if most men would share their thoughts so openly, we would be shocked what’s out there. You’re right, there is no sense in repeating a mistake that has once hurt the relationship before. Better learn from it and move forward better. I would never suggest something like this in this constellation again, though. Definitely learned my lesson. And I think my suggestion back then was also fueled by guilt, trying to make things even or the feeling of having to prove that he can have it all with me 😅

@Jayliz I should have mentioned we weren’t married there yet, nor engaged. That probably changes things a bit. I‘m in the process of letting go of situations in our past that I’m still holding grudges on, so that’s where this post is coming from 😊

Oh okay. It said "before we were married or had kids" so I guess I misinterpreted it. If you feel like he was being honest and just expressing himself, then that's good. I mean you know him, we don't lol.

Cheating is one thing but this is another even if you opened up your relationship you have limits in your relationship and as far as it sounds like he’s not respecting them, you agreed as a couple to do this, not just him now if he acted on it and did something I would consider it cheating because it was discussed really prior, and even if you cheated in the past y’all moved past it and have been together for years, it sounds like he’s trying to take advantage of the situation

Leave him you will thank me later