What would you do if it was you am I over reacting

Kids always want to have as much control as they can and that's a good thing. Having control and being able to say no to your parents when its not hurting anyone helps teach kids boundaries. Yelling at your kids isn't going to help this and him saying you are taking your child's side is imo a red flag. Of course you are taking your kids side. Id be sending my partner some articles that show healthy boundaries for children and proper growth and development of their ages.

I have a 5 year old son. I pick out his clothes every morning for school. Majority of the time, my son doesn’t care and there’s time he wants to wear a specific shirt, pant or jacket. I dislike mismatch clothing so if he does want to wear a specific clothing, I would plan in advance for him to wear it next day or so. When I say “no, next time”. He’ll get upset for a moment and is fine after. But to be screaming and yelling is too extreme, in my opinion. I would have a conversation with him. You like that he’s involved but maybe our son is at the age where he wants to pick his own outfits now. I would’ve said the same thing to my husband, to pick two pair of clothes and let our son decide which one. But my son likes to be in his underwear when he goes to bed because he sweats 😅

So to me the biggest red flag here is that he’s talking about taking sides and he’s entering a power struggle with both you and your son. He has control issues. The answer isn’t to say “no I’m not taking his side”, but to say “This isn’t about anyone’s side. Take your ego out of the equation. This is about whether our son should be able to make some small choices for himself and about what will make these moments easier for all of us. So what do you think will make these moments better- since yelling and taking away any control from the child clearly isn’t making things good.”

He needs to learn to let go . I’m no psych but maybe he was expected to do as he was told without question when he was young and subconsciously is offended or feeling it’s a sign of disrespect when your child wants to express himself or find things he can control. Gen X still got a smack or threat of one for just about anything. I’d chat to him away from the heat of the moment and talk gently about what you’ve noticed. Parenting is such a journey! Perhaps he can try selecting 2 options and letting them choose from that? Or allowing them to choose and he still gets them for him.

Also, this is the ultra controlling “Because I said so mentality”. Sure you want your child to know that he/she must listen to you at the end of the day, but the time to assert that is on things that really matter. If you do it on every little thing then naturally the child will just want to rebel - and rightfully so because they are people and they have the right to make certain choices for themselves. Define for yourselves in advance what those may be. Does it really matter what pajamas he wears? No it really doesn’t so don’t use that just to assert dominance. Show your child that you assert control when it’s really in their best interest- not just for the sake of control.

Ask him if he'd like it if his dad showed up and demanded he wear a certain thing. Like yes it's our jobs to keep them safe and teach them how to behave etc but they are still humans who deserve what autonomy they can safely have and if your whole thing is just about a "because I said so" and their choice isn't "wrong" it's just not your choice, you're kneecapping their ability to even make choices later in life. You want to raise a kid who is confident and independent and doesn't need to wait around for someone to make a decision for them? Let them make choices. Also the whole "taking sides" thing is a major red flag. Dude needs therapy for control issues