Deadbeats

So my bd finally worked up the nerve to tell me he’s seeing someone else. We’ve been apart for a year now and he left me to go through pregnancy alone while I had our toddler on top of that. This past year I’ve had to hound him to talk to his daughters or even help support them. He shuts his phone off almost every week and it’s impossible to reach him most days unless he’s at work. Or he just won’t answer at all. Not even a text. Now he’s throwing around the idea of our kids spending time around this woman but won’t tell me much about her. I can’t lie it’s painful and I’m not sure to handle this because deep down I still wanted to work it out for our children. Any other moms on here experience this or any advice on how to handle the changes, moving on and having someone you don’t know around your kids? I just know him. he’s lazy and selfish and she’ll end up being the one to take care of them. Or him not answering the phone so I can see and talk to my girls. I have so many worries. I feel so heartbroken. My dreams of having my family whole are crushed.

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This sounds really painful and difficult! I’m sorry you are going through this, especially knowing you can’t trust him to not palm your kids off to this stranger to both you and them, I’d suggest maybe trying to create a relationship between you and her? You don’t need to be friends, but inevitably you can’t stop him from doing this, so the best thing to do is get to know her a bit and if she’s willing that says a lot about her maturity too.

@Millie thank you! I have a lot of trust issues and I feel like people show you what they want you know? And my girls are young. 4 and 8 months. My 4 year old has speech issues and doesn’t fully communicate yet so she wouldn’t be able to tell me if anything is wrong. I know I’m only delaying the inevitable but I’m just trying to process everything. This pain is so different as a mother.

Of course, that’s understandable to have trust issues, although I think setting boundaries and seeing how she reacts to that is a good way to test the waters, you can put boundaries in as they are your babies too. Sooner or later she will see him for what he’s truly like, and if she respects herself she will leave, so it’s probably something that will pass. Have you tried to talk to him about your anxiety or do you think it’ll be dismissed?

@Millie I have and I’m always dismissed or made to feel like I’m just being crazy but after 13 years together I feel like I know him better than he knows himself. Everytime I say anything he takes it as me criticizing him and maybe I am in a way but these are things I feel he needs to work on and be open to but he just goes on the defensive. I’m not perfect but Ive always tried to be loving and open in my communication. I feel damned if I do dammed if I don’t in this situation. I just want us to be the best parents we can be for our girls even if for him that means moving on. I just hope my girls will always feel loved and like a priority because right now I feel like he’s prioritizing her and her kids and I have to beg for help.

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