Am I wrong??

How old is she?

You’re absolutely not wrong . And as a man he should ask his adult grown daughter to leave .

@Jennifer Ramirez well 8 years ago she was about to graduate high school so definitely in her mid 20s

Take the lock off the door 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Honestly, I get where you’re coming from. It’s hard living with someone who doesn’t respect the space or rules, especially when you’re trying to raise a baby and maintain a peaceful home. But asking your partner to choose between his daughter and you feels like it’s just going to make things worse, not better. She’s clearly struggling, but also—she’s a grown adult now, and there’s no excuse for the disrespect or chaos. Sounds like your partner really needs to step up and enforce some boundaries, because this kind of dynamic isn’t sustainable for anyone involved. You deserve peace, but ultimatums rarely lead to it

@Jennifer Ramirez she's 25.

I don't think she should have the right to act that way but I also don't think you should have her father choose between his daughter and you guys. I think maybe you should set the ground rules and maybe be the one who sets them and not leave it up to her dad. If she flat out says no then tell her she can't live there anymore and give her a move out date. I'm sure that will get Dad to step up and try talking with her and working out some sort of deal with her having to change her behavior and treat you with respect. But you can't really put that kind of pressure on her dad. How would he possibly be able to make that choice?

I understand where you’re coming from but I would never make someone chose between me or their child. That’s selfish because if somebody gave me that ultimatum, that’s automatic grounds for divorce.

I dunt think anyone here has teenagers or grown kids..and if they do, they too soft and flexible. Granted the girl has issues...ton issues and she wasn't living with him after custody then where was she bf or mother's? How old r u parents ? Cz if she 25 and ur 28 etc she not going respect u since she sees you as peer.

But also she supposed to and the daddy isn't a disciplinarian , dad has issues too.. lot dysfunction. She probably is depressed or lazy or down and acting out her fantasy for dad not being around and he making up foe it..who knows . Don't clean after her . Let her pile up dishes on side and let daddy see it, don't wash it. Her being a smoking d3unkk mess . That is not healthy . She does things under pressure or is being petty ..maybe she high and on drugs..or self medicating .dad is weak for her or guilt and has no backbone. Dad may also be mentally weak or checked out too. Inknow u say ur getting her brother ready..u mean half or the 2 kids r dad's? Some times half kids don't want , love , nor respect the next kid coming.. they don't see them as siblings and top off that huge age gap..means even less to them because its not enough to blood related. She needs help or hit the floor . Does dad think she staying until she 35? Or another 5yrs..? Free rent, food etc

Iread it again...Ultimatum usually don't work and if they do , it's short fix ajd t very go back to being the person they were. Everyone here saying is not right to choose...depends on severity, how long and how mentally, emotionally etc is damaging. Yes u can choose but u have see if he's that attached to u or his oldest.... who would win..? Also no one knows what ur going through, they also can't relate and most them pregnant and post partum or thinking from emotional side, lack sleep etc....ur not wrongbut dad needs wake up and so does she. Try it out but don't threaten him.. tell him something needs to be done, it's not healthy, maybe she needs attend alcoholic classes etc Something.. she doesn't even have bf....? Dump all drinks down sink... no alcohol and no smoke... he's supposed to be the bad guy he's the main parent. Do u have any kind relationship with her, cordial, friendly, bitter, enemies, resentment?

@Ali she 25, I'm 38, and he's 47...

@Ali I don't want to give an ultimatum, but at the end of the day, this is starting to affect my mental health as well as my son's. I'm angry and irritated more than I'm happy, and he picks up on that and is acting act in turn. I'm about to start therapy, but that's only gonna do so much good if the situation doesn't change. He had told her she needs to get help, we've given her resources to get help with the drinking and smoking. But she hasn't done anything about it. My relationship with her has never been more than cordial, be right after I moved in, I started seeing the way she uses him and walks over him. Uses his absence when she was younger as a way to get over on him.

Husband is far too old.. older to change. She is set and dad id set in his ways. The only thing that would wake him up is divorce, or her having over dose.. and that's a maybe. Ya definitely tough, taking irritability and anger and it's coming out..I know what u mean, hard to be happy and more angry.. kids obviously don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve see that in siblings etc. Dad is grown, give him some warning, he needs to wake up, he may or may not but don't try giving some ultimatum and not following through.. guys give versa won't respect ur word Leave some where if u can for few days, friends, family etc.... she seems like slow poison.. and either dad has soft spot for her or he's about to get softer in old age... old age doesn't make u harder... he makes u weaker in ur ways and health issues... take hit on ur man hood and woman hood etc. I hope she leaves and gets help or get a bf or something to occupy her

ALL of that being said. Your question was if you are justified in telling him to choose and the answer will always be "no" I get that it is affecting you and because your son is picking up on it it is affecting him but you're in a marriage. A partnership. Better or worse. And your partner comes with a daughter who is stressing you out. But you could never ever expect a father to choose a son over a daughter or vice versa. IF YOU cannot handle the situation then exit OR be there for your partner who probably has no experience with young adults and how to get them to do what YOU want. I'm sure he's feeling the pressure and stress in a thousand ways that are different then the stress it's causing you. And your not asking him to choose between his daughter and YOU and your child you are EXPECTING him to choose between one child or the other. One of which needs him because he's still a child and the other of which obviously still needs him because she not making smart safe choices....

... Unfortunately you cannot put urself as part of the ultimatum because you are the one forcing it on him he will see that as maybe he married the wrong person in the first place. And I hope that you don't have to go through something just as difficult when ur child is that age. Just stick up for yourself and enforce your own rules. If you stop expecting your partner to do it then you won't feel disappointed if he doesn't.

Even if they are ur own kids or own family, eventually toxic is toxic.. some ppl have been brainwashed to the core, family is family... if they are graping your kids and if there's incest or physical or verbal abuse, oh they are parents, or it's family .... no it isn't. Even murder or reckless endangering children is a crime, don't care, the law don't care if u birth them and strangle them, evil is evil and poison is poison.. drink and drive and daddy and mummy cover it up, oops u hit someone and they died.. evil. unless they are bipolar or don't see doctor, they are loose reckless . Ppl need stop with ultimatum is wrong. Sit and suffer they prefer and kids suffer too and they can't leave. Toxic

Yeah I don't think in this case the poster is calling her daughter in law "evil" she didn't say anything about incest or murder or anyone covering up for their children because they're or killing. Right OP?

@Ali I never said sit and suffer and I'm pretty sure if her daughter was raping her parents or murdering the people that strangled them or whatever, the OP would not be posting here asking for advice. Forcing a father to choose between two children is wrong. Incest is also wrong like you said but not in the same way. If you want to see a different perspective you post here and maybe if you're lucky someone will say something that is meaningful to you that helps you get through the day because like it or not you can't choose your family BUT you can try your best to be the voice of reason when your child has to make the tough choices (ie saying no when your friends want to come smoke and drink at your parents house). I think her ultimatum was an extreme. I think the OP could find other ways to handle the situation where she comes out feeling strong empowered and respected. Which her little one would also display these traits while seeing mommy handle it. Demand your respect. Create the life you want.

And if that means gracefully exiting the situation then that's what she should do if she's going to tough it out that's also very admirable if she doesn't allow the daughter to disrespect her. But telling her husband he has to choose between his two children is not the way. Leave because u want to but let him have a relationship with both his children. It's not their fault.