What the fuck do I do?

Don't think its anything to break up over. Things were said while emotions were running high. I'm sure everyone will be over whats happened in no time. should you get married and people arent over it for some reason, you'll need to express what you'd like from them both and they'll need to suck it up for your sake and or your childrens sake.

Seems like more to the story. He sounds in the wrong but why would he come out with that. I'd dig deeper and try to resolve the issue x

I’m sorry but I may be missing something here. First, is it ok for your sister to suck your son’s dummy? Is that something you’d allow seeing kids are delicate and can pick up any number of illnesses? Secondly, your partner may have overreacted but why does that worry your engagement hopes? I’d ask him what he saw her do, why it upset him and why he’s lashed out more than he should? He seems to care about your son, but doesn’t need to speak to anyone in that manner to prove it, that’s the line. His response should give you more clarity to decide how to manage them both. And i don’t think your sister acted well too, blood shouldn’t easily be ready to block out each other. She can respect your decision to be with the man you love, and still maintain a good relationship with you. It’s tough but when you get clarity from both sides on what’s really going on, it should help you manage the whole situation. Here’s wishing you all the luck with them. Xoxo.

I hope you’re okay! How distressing! To be fair I can understand your partner not wanting your sister to suck on your child’s dummy, I’m assuming to clean it if it had fallen? So good intentions but still made him feel uncomfortable just like he did to her in what he said. The delivery properly wasn’t the best and maybe should have been something he’d said to you and you calmly discussed with your sister but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I’d say to both of them separately that you’re upset with the situation but will discuss it in time. Let your sister go home however she wants or your partner and in time I’m sure it’ll be fine. They’ve both spoken out of anger! I’m sure your sister would never not attend your wedding as she loves you! It’s really not something to fall out about!

@Vee, things have been brewing for years. I don't think we will come back from this. Not how we were. My relationship with my sister seems OK, but it's weird with my partner. I had wanted my sister to be my my maid of honour. That won't happen now because I would never force my partner to be angry, upset or uncomfortable on his wedding day.

@Vanessa, there is more, and I already know what it is. So she betrayed our trust 4 years ago, and he can't move on. He hates that she is close to our son and feels like she is trying to live through us (she is single). He feels like she takes to many photos, involves herself in everything, etc, he loathes her. She dislikes him because he has been stand offish with her since our trust was broken and has sometimes been downright rude. She apologised, and he seems to have forgiven my bestie who was involved and equally to blame. She also apologised. He hasn't said anything when things happen (refuses to because he'll explode apparently) and has snapped a few times at her, and then today was just the worst.

@Esta, no, and I told him that, and he could have left it at "please don't suck his dummy." Also, he is 3. I wouldn't allow it to happen. I would want my sister to be my maid of honour. She won't be now as I won't cause my partner distress on his wedding day. He reacted how he did because she betrayed our trust 4 years ago, and he can't move on. He hates that she is close to our son and feels like she is trying to live through us (she is single). He feels like she takes too many photos, involves herself in everything, etc. He loathes her. She dislikes him because he has been stand offish with her since our trust was broken and has sometimes been downright rude. She apologised, and he seems to have forgiven my bestie who was involved and equally to blame. She also apologised. He hasn't said anything when things happen (refuses to because he'll explode apparently) and has snapped a few times at her, and then today was just the worst.

@Daisy, I'm not, but thank you for asking. Yeah, it fell on the floor of our car. She would attend, if we got married, but I would want her IN the wedding. I dont think this is fixable.She betrayed our trust 4 years ago, and he can't move on. He hates that she is close to our son and feels like she is trying to live through us (she is single). He feels like she takes to many photos, involves herself in everything, etc, he loathes her. She dislikes him because he has been stand offish with her since our trust was broken and has sometimes been downright rude. She apologised, and he seems to have forgiven my bestie who was involved and equally to blame. She also apologised. He hasn't said anything when things happen (refuses to because he'll explode apparently) and has snapped a few times at her, and then today was just the worst.

I think I accidentally clicked break up so I have to comment now. Communication between all parties is what will protect the relationships in question. Break up is a lil extreme unless you have other reason that warrants a break up- but that a personal choice that I dnt think anyone needs a say on.

Ok now I do understand. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I hope they do find a common ground for you and your son’s sake ❤️but I don’t think this affects your relationship with either of them. Wishing you the best sis Xoxo

That’s so difficult coz your partner obviously has his reasons and I suppose to an extent he is semi putting that to the side to even be on holiday with your sister which I suppose is trying to make you happy etc. 4 years ago is also a long time but obviously depends what it was. I think it’s fair due to this previous betrayal your partner putting up boundaries as she’s done it once and therefore could do it again. I think giving it time is a good thing, emotions are high. I wouldn’t want my family member sucking on my child’s dummy to clean it due to different mouth germs etc. My partner and I when we had our daughter said if there was literally anything that made us feel uncomfortable whoever’s family member/friend it was would have the chat to say no in a nice way. It’s so difficult but nothing will be sorted right away, everyone will need to calm down. But also your sister not being the parent needs to understand that there may be things she can’t do and respect it x

@Liz, how do I get them to communicate when he said he wants nothing to do with her, and she said she will be avoiding him from now on. We do have our issues but I'm so hurt about this. I've been begging him for ages to talk to her, to have a calm conversation or to address things firmly and politely if he notices and I don't say anything. He has refused to do both and instead reacted this way. I haven't really spoken to him yet so won't make any decision until I have. I'm just really hurt. About all this but also he pulled away from me while we were out and refused to kiss me when we got back.

OP it sounds like you’re taking your sisters side and your partner just sounds annoyed at the whole situation. It sounds like your sister doesn’t really take accountability for her behavior. I would be shocked/ pretty mad if anyone put my baby’s dummy in their mouth.

@Betsy, how does it sound like I'm taking her side. She shouldn't have tucked on his dummy, I said that to my partner and told him I'd address it with her, then he went off the deep end. She does struggle to take accountability but did this time. She said she wasn't going to suck on it this time, indicating she had before. Did she say sorry? No, should she have, yes. I have gone to bat for my partner more times than I can count, so please don't tell me I'm not on his side. He had so many other options and refused them in favour of blowing up his relationship with my sister, straining ours and potentially altering our sons relationship with his favourite aunt. Even my therapist and our couples therapist have suggested that he speak up when something is bothering him, in a respectful way. He never does. I really don't understand how I'm taking my sisters side.

In the messages where you’re explaining why he doesn’t get along with her it seems to me that you’re putting the blame on him for not moving on for something she did. You also said “she’s hurt over it” but what about your partner? Maybe he’s hurt over it too? Idk girl I’m just giving my opinion based on what I read I don’t know your life to say if this is true or not

Hmm, its a tricky one and I understand, but at the same time you can't force a relationship if he doesn't want it, but you can ask him to be civil! Some people really can't forgive a betrayal, my partner is one of those people too, so if anyone in my family did something like this he would not be able to go back from that either. However, I do know that he would be civil for mine and the kids sakes, as he knows how close I am to my family.

@Betsy, I'm siding with my sister because I've been able to talk to her about it and not my partner? I specifically said I hadn't spoken to him yet, so I don't know how he feels. Except angry. Also, I just said he can't move on. Never said that was his fault. He is struggling, and I've been sympathetic and understanding for 4 years.

@Rebecca, I'm not trying to force a relationship, but it had gotten to the point that even the mention of her name set him off. Being on the phone to her set him off, etc This goes beyond then not having a relationship. For 4 years, I've been in the middle of this. Hearing constant complaints and negativity from both sides. My family had all noticed, and we don't get invited to things because of him. My family has all said that he seems cranky, never communicates, etc. My family also constantly comments on our boundaries, and it's annoying as F. I put my foot down, but at the moment, there is only so much I can do. We live in a flat on their property rent-free. They paid for our car (we are paying then back) and have offered substantial money for us to buy a house (mostly inheritance from my grandparents, though it's not legally from them). They have helped raise our son since birth. Renovated our kitchen, got air conditioning put in for us. They take our son to therapy, etc I feel fucking stuck.

Its great that your parents are doing all that for you but if you genuinely love your partner (and that love is true unconditional love and not tainted each time your family says something or threatens to go mia, I would stick by him.U obviously arent willing to share what your sister did to break you and your partners trust so we can understand the depth of his hurt but I would say you need to have another sit down with your partner and try to get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does. Truly listening and not interrupting or saying she apologized etc. Its not for you to say by when he should have gotten over something. He's not family so he wouldn't be ask quick to forgove as you are. Validate his feelings and come up with a way forward together that makes everyone find a way forward together.

Its not as black and white as you have to pick your family or your partner. You can pick both without needing to cut ties with one. You just have to figure out how to manage it and whilst setting loving boundaries with your family, being there for your partner and not letting your sister/ family get between your family. Which is what it is. A family. You, your partner and your child. It shouldn't be that easy to break up. There needs to be a stronger connection and more love and will to fight for your love. Its a tricky situation yes but it will take some time of properly dealing with things in situations that come up to help your partner properly heal from whatever was done to break your trust.

@Vee, I know why he feels the way he does. I've already said that I know. She and my bestie played a prank on us (aimed at me) and went to far. They opened his bedside table, took out a key, and unlocked our toy box. What they did was huge and disrespectful, and I've had his back the entire time. I also never said when he has to forgive. If he can manage to be cordial and polite with my sister, I'd accept that. He hasn't been, though. He has been rude or ignored her, and family has begun to notice. No one has threatened to go MIA. Where are you getting that from? I also wasn't refusing anything. No one outright asked. I should have just mentioned it, though, to give context.

UPDATE - so my sister refused to come home with us and came with my aunt, uncle, and cousin instead. Which meant our Dad found out. So my partner and I spoke to him and my sister spoke to him. I also spoke to my partner on the way home, and the only thing I didn't know was that my sister had the dummy in her open mouth while playing a game with our son. That's why he said something and why he reacted the way he did when she said that she wasn't going to this time. He pushed me away because he wanted space and acknowledged he should have just told me that. I said I'd appreciate that instead of him pushing me away. I ended up asking if he could ever forgive her and what he needs grom her to be able to move on. He said he can't get his privacy or trust back. So, I don't think forgiveness is possible. He did tell my dad he could be cordial, but I honestly don't believe him because he's been less than cordial about 80% of the times we've hung out since the box incident. If he isn't rude or ignoring her...

He is rude or ignoring me, or as is the case this weekend, pushing me away. We have so much more to talk about, but I think he feels slightly better. I don't.