Feel like a shit mom

You have options here. I only have one 13 year old right now, but not all 4 of my kids are great eaters. I believe teens are old enough to cook. You can have them make dinners of their own choosing, taking some of the stress off you. It will likely be a hard transition, though, but cooking is a skill they need after they move out. Another option is to go back to basics. Serve food separately, instead of a rice casserole, serve meat, grain, veg, and extra carb (fruit/starch/double grain/milk) in separate bowls that are self serve. My kids honestly prefer cold, crunchy foods, so they eat a salad better than a pasta. You can also do things like serve 2 veggies, or have a replacement that they get on their own, like a switch for potato is usually fruit/bread or a switch for cooked carrots is raw carrots or another veggie. It doesn't really matter what they swap, as long as it's mostly balanced, and they have to prepare it themselves because you already cooked. Change is hard.

You're not at all a bad Mom and you shouldn't feel guilty 💖 I don't have teenagers but I help with my teen nieces a lot and they are crazy these days. You're absolutely right to put your foot down about the food. I also only got three meals a day and two snacks. If you didn't want what was for dinner then you went hungry.Period. I'm the oldest and for half my life my Mom was a single parent so I definitely understood that money was tight. I would suggest a couple of things that might help you out. My Mom would let us pick one meal a night out of the week and we had to buy the ingredients and cook it. This taught us how to cook some basic things and also how expensive a meal can be. Secondly, I would look at their snack choices. Fruit like an apple is great but pair it with some cheese and some nuts to make it last longer. If your kids will eat oatmeal or grits that's always a cheap snack that won't break the bank and keep them full. Also, if they do sports they may need some extra carbs and protein.

I’m having the exact same issue, but with my 3 & 5 year old. They will say they’re hungry (mainly my 5 year old), but I will offer different options & it isn’t what they want. We are in the process of moving this week, so food is limited (not to mention, expensive like you said). I just keep telling myself if they’re hungry, they will eat what they are offered or else they’ll willingly go hungry. You’re not a bad mom, you’re doing your best. They are just ungrateful. 😕🫂💕

@Keylii to be honest, i don’t even know lol. This is new to me because i was raised “you get what you get and don’t get upset”and if you don’t eat dinner you get nothing else. My daughter will come home from school and I’ll tell her there is cut up cucumber (with some ranch) or fruits, or goldfish etc I will basically name every snack we have. She will proceed to make a whole 2 cups of rice with shredded cheese and eat that as a SNACK. Dinner time comes and she doesn’t eat. So it’s like why the hell do I even cook? But if I say screw it and don’t cook cause it’s an “on your own night” where I have leftovers, frozen meals, they can make a grilled cheese, anything, they tell their dad I’m starving them. They don’t like home cooked meals or leftovers. They want fast food or crap every day for dinner and that just isn’t going to work for me.

Give them a budget, let them do their own shopping, their own cooking, picking of snacks. When it runs out it runs out. It might just make them aware of what it costs, hold them more accountable for their actions, and let’s be honest it’s a huge reality check. Depending on age could they be going through a growth spurt? The other thing I could suggest for a more gentler approach would be having their input in creating a meal plan for the week (obviously within reason) and getting them to help you with everything from the shopping to the cooking. What’s it like with their meals at their dads?

Teens (especially boys) eat like elephants. If they've done a good job finishing dinner, they can split a pack of ramen or have a can of beans with cheese before bed. Take them grocery shopping and help them pick out healthy snacks (Even consider giving them a snack budget!). Teach them how to make their own warm snacks and light meals so they have options. Teach, teach, teach them how to make food. At every meal. Do it until they learn. Keep the rice in the rice maker on the counter. They can do this! (and so can you!) You are a great mom for caring about what they eat (dad doesn't seem to...). Parental love feels like chaffing to a teen, but it's far preferable to the alternative. They won't thank you for it, but you still deserve a gold star. ⭐️ Good luck. 🍀

The best is when I say no, this is crazy. You’re not eating 2 cups of rice as a snack before dinner and she gaslights me and says I’m calling her fat and want to cut her food off. What!!!!??? The same with my son. I say son you are not going to have a whole box of velveeta Mac and cheese at 9 pm as a snack when you had dinner. Get a small snack and get in bed! He says “you want to starve me I can’t even eat in my own house.” It’s making me feel crazy and like shit, but come on now. These kids are well fed. It’s just idk. Growing up our kitchen was closed after our before bed snack lol. And it was just that, a snack. Couple cookies and some milk, not a whole ass box of Mac and cheese

It is the eternal struggle for kids to want to eat like seagulls and parents to know better. Maybe putting out an after-dinner fruit and veggies plate you can direct them to when they get post-dinner munchies? Again, it's not popular, but you might end up building a late night carrot crunching habit in one of your kids...

@Sharnee @Bonny I bought a menu board for the refrigerator that will arrive tomorrow. I’m going to sit with them and let them help decide meals, and allow them to pick their snacks for the week. Hers and his. And if they choose to eat it all it one night then oh well ur out until the next week. I hope it will teach them how quick it actually goes and make them more accountable for their choices. There’s always food in my home and I’ll never withhold food, it’s just crazy to me the choices they make. Lol And they aren’t like this at their dads. Dad tells them what their meals are and snack will be and that’s that.

Try not to let them get to you. You clearly aren’t starving them or calling them fat. You are trying to have boundaries & rules & you are putting your foot down. They may be allowed to disrespect their father, but they will not be allowed to disrespect you. The many times I wish I could bring my kids to a soup kitchen or something, just so they could see how lucky they are to have ANY food. Your teens might be more affected by it as of now than my youngsters would be.

@Sarah thank you for this. Definitely doing the menu board and ur right. These kids are crazy lol. My grandmother would be rolling in her grave if she saw my kids not eat all of their actual dinner I cooked because they had a dinner as a snack, and then try to have another dinner at 9 pm.

I love the menu board! I highly doubt you’re starving them or calling them fat etc. make sure you also remind them that once they’re out of snacks that’s it. It also seems like they’re comfortable with you, comfortable to still push boundaries, you’re still their safe place and I think despite how hard it’s been you’re doing an amazing job!

What time do they eat dinner? At that age they are going through a lot of growth spurts so not surprising they are hungry especially when they get home from school and are tired. Maybe get them involved in cooking the meals and make sure they have meals they like. Maybe they need something of more substance as a snack than fruit. That said they shouldn’t be using stuff you’ve set aside for meals.

Getting them Involved is such a good plan. Don't let them make you feel bad, you obviously care. I think it's all about finding a system that works for you guys. I have a snack box in the cabinet and those are what my kid can get into whenever. If eats all the Nutella or chips then she knows there won't b anymore until grocery day. So she got smart and saves things when she can find the willpower lol Also I have adjusted meal times to what works better for her but that kinda works for me because we all eat different things here a lot since she's picky and on the spectrum. If I know she won't eat chicken breast and veggies like me then I just make smaller portions and enjoy it myself. If she prefers a snack at 6 and dinner at 9. I just eat on my own and she can have her mac and cheese at 9 or 10. There's a lot of nights like that where she just wants to switch dinner and snack time. (Unless I'm having something she really wants)

@Karen @ren I have adjusted dinner time later to 7pm because of the insatiable hunger they were having when we ate at 5pm. Just this week since the weather has been nice they have been going out with friends after school. I found out they were going to McDonald’s and eating Big Mac meals all week, so they weren’t eating dinner I made, then wanting a meal (other than the dinner I made cause god forbid leftovers) at 9-10pm. To me that’s unacceptable idk. Maybe I’m too tough. Even as teens I’ve tried to keep a schedule because they need sleep. I clean up, close up and 10 pm is bed time in my house. I’m not forcing them to sleep, but you need to be in your room reading a book and relaxing. Lately I wake up in the morning and my kitchen lights are on, pans everywhere, sink filled with dishes. My daughter is done growing. Poor girl started her menstrual cycle at 9 (6 years ago) and hasn’t grown an inch since lol. She’s 5 foot even and the doctor said she will stay that way.

Ugh idk I totally get foods expensive, but denying them food might make them have a bad relationship with it and/or with money if they know the reason why. I would just buy maybe hot pockets/bagel bites or something that’s not so expensive but more meal-y, and less snacks. Clearly they don’t want the fruits. Obviously this is after the meals you cook I’m talking.

@Denise She’s not denying them food. They are getting plenty.

@Denise I agree. Fruit isn’t the only thing I have, I was just naming options. I have stuff for them to make their own charcuterie boards if they want. Cliff bars, smoothies, ramen cups. I do have bagel bites, and cheeseburger sliders. Some things just require more effort than others on their part.

@Katie that’s what makes me feel like shit lol. But at what point if at any point do we say okay the kitchen is closed now. There has to be some sort of boundary right? For example if you’re choosing to eat other things and not eating dinner… but then 9-10pm want another meal is that okay? Idk 😔 so today for example this is what my kids ate Breakfast - I made them eggs with toast and a banana and peanut butter smoothie Lunch - they ate at school Snack - Big Mac meals 😑 Dinner - they did eat dinner today 9pm- my daughter wanted to make a pasta dish that I had planned for dinner tomorrow. So I told her no and to get a snack and she got mad and said nvm.

You're not a shit mum. Love yourself more! I have a 15 year old and a 17 year old, and they have always been good eaters with big appetites. Keep dinners simple, high protein food. Eggs, chicken, broccoli 🥦kumara, potatoes.

I would look at it this way: Google calorific intake for their age. Then, start adding up the calories of everything they’re eating in a day (that you know of). If they have met that intake for their age & for the day, they don’t need anything else. I don’t have teens, so I’m not sure how to shut down the kitchen for the night effectively, but stand your ground. They need to respect you enough to respect your rules. It sounds like they have a very well balanced diet, though. They should be worried that more food will make them get sick.

My teen would eat all day if I let him, if they’re having 3 decent meals a day and snacks, they won’t be starving. You’re already a better mum than me, I don’t make hot breakfast during the week, it’s toast or cereal and he makes that himself 😂 You’re doing great, teens just have a good way of making us feel guilty when they’re just being little assholes 😂

When in doubt I tell them they can make a pb and j. Half the time they are hungry enough for it, the other half they realize they aren’t that hungry. The snack thing is rough though. My kids want ten snacks after school and then cooked dinner is an uphill battle because they aren’t that hungry. Wish I had more advice but seems like I have the same repeat conversations with my own kids. I try to keep up with making sure they aren’t super hungry but it does get frustrating when they snub dinner because of snacks.

They probably have bad eating habits and eat out of boredom/ comfort so it’s probably not even that they’re hungry. Coming from someone who used to struggle with binge eating.. you’re doing great. I hope they’ll outgrow their entitled ways as adults and appreciate you…

So I think it kinda depends on the age here. I definitely remember as a young teen eating everything in site. The one time I hate like 5 oranges drank a ton of OJ ate whatever else was offered and my mom told me to stop or I was going to gorge myself. Well sure enough I threw up in the middle of the night. Honestly though I couldn’t even stop myself. Maybe I needed the vitamin C or something. If they aren’t going to eat what is made however yeah they need to learn that food cost money and you don’t get to be picky especially now a days with the cost of food. I’m finding it hard with my toddler right now he is being a bit picky about stuff he used to eat so making a dinner and to have him refuse it sucks. But I know he doesn’t understand as he is only 19 months old. When he is able to communicate as he gets older that will not be a thing in our house.

I will say when I was in school, a snack after school just didn’t exist. We used to eat lunch so early in the day at school, it was damn near a late breakfast. So, I wanted a meal when I came home. I would eat a can or two of chef boyardee and they’re cheap. We would eat dinner around 7-8. Also, a heavier snack is just the way to go so you’re not wasting money. As for the leftovers, I had to keep explaining to my mom lol…. Only make enough for dinner and maybe one serving for the next day. Food would literally sit in the fridge and go to waste if not. Then she’s mad food is wasted and so is money.

Do y'all meal plan together? Are they big enough to have shopping or cooking as part of their chores? I think some times kids don't understand all that goes into eating. Engaging them may help

I'm not here yet but can dinner be earlier? I'm sure it's hard to get it on the table but maybe if you prep the night before you can have it ready within half an hour of when they get home and the meal can be when they want it?

I was raised that way too, plus we had to clean our plates (over eating at every meal). We have dinner right after school because everyone is famished, and they tend to eat it better, and I get to cook with less stress. It's hard for us, but we tell the kids, if you're not going to eat it, dont get it. Don't put it on your plate to feed the trash can. It's not hungry. I know we are fortunate enough to be able to replace foods like that, but not everyone is. Many of the foods you're talking about are highly processed and full of sugar. Those foods make us want/crave more. I don't fully understand the science behind it, but I know about it. When you do "on your own nights," it's likely they need more support, like be next to them until they figure it out. Remember, their brains aren't fully developed, they lack common sense, and its why you still parent through the teen years. They're not really capable of always making good decisions, but when they do, notice it and praise them for it.

If they're teens they are old enough to sit down with, discuss food finances and explain your point of view to them. Try to reason with them showing them reality. Make sure they understand that under no circumstances you're going to leave them hungry but they need to make responsible choices when it comes to eating for your families sake. Maybe also explain to them what they might not be able to have anymore should they continue like that and should you have to spend more money on food.