Can’t do this anymore…
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Im sorry to hear how hard it is for you right now especially with having mental health struggles. I'm pretty sure your baby is going to be your life saver. It will be hard at times but your daughter can give you love when you might need it the most
@Aleka that’s 100% true. Just yesterday I was having a very difficult day and reflecting out loud the list of where I went wrong and all the outside contributing factors that have correlated causing me to be where I am today. Just as I was finishing the list, I remember saying out loud like why am I even fighting to be here? Why am I fighting to stay in this misery like I am actively choosing and fighting to stay this freaking miserable so for anyone that questioned whether I had my son’s best interest at heart or whether I loved him, I had the finger for them with that statement because if they only knew. And right at that moment, my son who was sitting on the couch in the living room, the rest of the house completely quiet, on the tablet with his headphones and starts laughing out loud what to me sounded like a hyena. It was so loud and unexpected and so full of innocent joy that I knew that was my answer !!! your daughter will remind you on a regular basis too.
My heart goes to you. Mental torture is exhausting. I can see you are trying professional help already. Please don’t give up. Not all thoughts that you have is true. You would do the best for your daughter and you and her would have a good relationship by God’s grace. While I may not be going through exactly what you are going through, for me, anchoring my life on the truth of God’s unconditional love has been my rock when dealing with mental challenges. I pray and hope you get all the help and support you need.
Thinking about it being better off without you is much different than actually experiencing separation from your child. Separation from your child will be feeling like you're grieving because it's experiencing living without your child. Your child will never think of hating you. But only think of loving you and being loved by you. Don't let your negative thoughts get the best of you, it's doing nothing but underestimating yourself.
My heart goes out to you! I can hear the manic in your despair. I’m not by any means certified or even knowledgeable when it comes to diagnosing or advising someone what to do while pregnant and dealing with manic depression and identity crisis. I wish I had something helpful to impart to you. All I can say, for whatever it might be worth,for just a brief moment in your day today, I see you and I hear you!!! I wish there was more I could do to help you!!!