Vasectomy

How long have you been together? Has he ever reacted to anything like this before? If not I think you should try and let it go if it was a one time thing, I think getting this procedure and being in pain afterwards is a really big deal for some men and they're out of their right minds for some time 🙄

@NevineWe’ve been together for four years. He definitely over reacts and gets angry sometimes but this was off the rocker, random.

That is a big red flag to me

Could be the anesthesia effect. Also men usually don’t handle pain and discomfort as much as women do. Plus this surgery for a man isn’t something they take lightly. It comes with emotional and physical impact. I would say just be supportive and don’t take it personally,

I actually understand his POV. You giving birth has nothing to do with his vasectomy. It’s like you’re trying to one up him. The fact that he got a vasectomy is huge. My husband wouldn’t do it so I had to get my tubes tied.

If it’s been like that and it’s been worse since the procedure then it’s the procedure. He’s in pain. Just keep any comments minimal and don’t compare. Keep everything short and simple. Yeah I get it.. I think it’s because you were comparing. Men vs women. He’s in pain. Try to be funny and no comparing and try to ask how he is doing, does he need anything or is capable.. sweet things like that but try avoiding female/male/comparisons..if he reacts like this again, DO NOT STAY! Go.. I know it sounds bad since he got fixed but,… everyone needs to let go of toxicity and find healthy relationships

So he got mad about you trying to relate to him?? And what does “one of those feminist people” even mean

you can’t really compare a vasectomy to a birth. both two different types of pain. one neither will be able to relate to. men don’t have as high a pain tolerance as women - some women have a really high pain threshold, some really low and it’s the same with men. everyone can tolerate pain completely differently.

i don’t think you trying to relate to his pain by sharing personal experience is one upping him or comparing. he could be irritable from the procedure but still that’s not an excuse to be an asshole to you

@Izzie most definitely is one upping him. Birth and a vasectomy are 2 completely things how would she know what he’s going through it doesn’t relate. she’s not giving birth right now. And calling her a feminist isn’t a big deal lol he just got needles in his dick. Most men would never.

@Megan she said he lost his shit on her so i assume he meant what he said in a demeaning way. there are lots of men who would actually, sorry yours wouldn’t

@Megan agree to disagree. not gonna go back and forth with you ✌🏽

@Megan I wasn’t trying to compare birth but the needle to relate to the numbing me and stitches experience, which is what he was trying to explain

O Jesus. He sounds like a baby. Uncalled for in my opinion.

Some men just hate hearing stuff like that because they can’t stand the idea that we can handle a type of pain they will never experience 🤷🏻‍♀️ not gonna argue with anyone, child birth hurts way more especially when you tear and need stitches. I had a second degree tear so I would’ve said the same thing as you. Has nothing to do with “one upping” it’s just telling them you can relate.

I don’t think you did anything wrong here. The way he reacted, and what he said, is a huge red flag though. That would have me questioning everything too.

They do no scalpel vasectomies nowadays with zero stitches needed. They still get more aftercare than anyone who has had a c section. If he is tired after a very brief convo imagine how everyone who has had a c section, colposcopy, IUD in/out with basically no consideration for pain feels.

I'd give him some grace. Irrespective of other's journeys, which are just as valid as his, he's allowed to have some attention on his very recent surgery. It's also a procedure that historically some men see as emasculating so maybe that's there in the background, whether he knows it or not. Having said that, don't let uncalled for behaviour slide in time to come.

I don’t think you were trying to one up him. You were clearly trying to relate to him and be supportive. He obviously needs you to not do that though. You know not to mention it in the future. He is in pain so he just needs support through that. If he looses himself in arguments regularly then yes I wouldn’t stick around. After my c section I lost my shit at my husband on something similar. It’s easy to be irritable when in pain. He could also feel violated at well. Give him love and extra care and just listen when he needs to talk about it.

I mean his behavior is unacceptable in general big 🚩🚩. But also did they give him any medications? Or some people do experience side effects for laughing gas that can take a day or so to wear off and cause irritability. Or any narcotic pain meds can change behavior. But yeah that's stupid. You both had genital trauma you are just trying to relate.

Also did he like marinate on what you said overnight why would he even be thinking of that when he woke up

I don’t think you said anything wrong and I feel like he was just very much in his feelings/coping with the post-pain/post-laughing gas haze and wasn’t taking in what you said in a non-defensive way. That being said, him blowing up at you this morning? No, sir. That’s not acceptable. He needs to calm down and you deserve an apology.

Relating with your own experience can sound like a comparison. My husband, who I've been with for 13 years still does this to me all the time even though I don't find it helpful and I just want him to comfort me, not give me an anecdote of his own problem! Just validate his feelings and offer him comfort.

Let’s be real a vasectomy is a paper cut compared to child birth. You tried to sympathise and relate with him he took it the wrong way and is clearly feeling vulnerable and delicate post his procedure. Plus he may well be still be under the influence of some drugs. Give him some grace for stepping up and having the procedure in the first place. But if comments like that ever happen again then serious chats about how he views and respects women need to happen.

@Katie let’s be real - we don’t actually know. unless you’ve got balls that have had a surgical procedure done & the exact same pain threshold of her husband, you can’t really say which is more painful. for me, personally child birth was a breeze & wasn’t that painful at all, but if my partner was to have a vasectomy, it might be much more painful for him than i went through birth. we can’t compare pain.

I think getting a vasectomy is not only a pain but also emotionally something. I know many men and husbands of my friends who absolutely refuse it… Men also manage pain very differently than us lol there are so sensible 🤣 So be aware it shouldn’t be a usual reaction from him, and I think when you suffer from smtg you never appreciate someone else relate to their own experience on smtg totally different. It is as if you decrease his pain and makes him feel as if he doesn’t have the right to feel bad

@quira Your argument being because they can’t manage the pain it equates to being the same. I respect your right to your opinion. However I’m Sorry but as a doctor and a mother I just don’t agree. A vasectomy is a minimally invasive minor surgical procedure. Child birth is life threatening even today with all modern medicine. It’s amazing that you found child birth breeze, wish more of us did but that’s not a common experience. I fully accept the emotional aspect of having the snip and respect this man for making that decision for his family. That’s why I said to cut him some slack for his red flag comments.

If this is a one off, I’d let it go. Sounds like he has complex feelings about the vasectomy and felt like you were trying to minimize his pain (even though I know you weren’t, but maybe that’s how he felt)

@Katie so as a Doctor, you should understand that you can’t compare the two. two separate people, with two completely separate nerve systems & pain tolerance? i don’t believe you can say one is worse than the other as you don’t know what it’s like from the other persons perspective. if the shoe was on the other foot - this comment section would be filled with “but he’s never given birth, how would he know the pain?” “he doesn’t know what it’s like” etc just as well as i’m saying that as women, and not her husband, we can’t determined that he definitely was or wasn’t in more or equal to pain & i think it’s unfair that we’re basically trying to invalidate that it might have actually been relatively painful for him because it isn’t child birth. minimally invasive or not, it’s a surgical procedure on a sensitive area for a man. i believe it’s a similar if not the same argument as to whether it hurts more to get kicked in the balls for a man compared to child birth, no one will ever know

@quira this is true, most comparisons are pointless. It is isn’t incorrect to stay though, that a 15 minute procedure comes nowhere near having the same impact as pregnancy and childbirth have on a woman’s body. It takes women years for recovery and some changes are permanent.

@quira he was the first one to compare tho. She tried to empathize and he turned it into a comparison. Honestly pain level isn’t even the point. He created the problem (the comparison) that made him upset and is blaming her for it and snapping at her

Is he normally like this? Is this and isolated episode? Maybe he is more sensitive or flodded with hormones and feelings… or maybe its his beliefs. If he usually behaves like this you may have a problem, he has some learning to do, and also practicing hos empathy 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would 100% leave him if he is using feminist as a negative word

Personally, I wouldn’t bring up my experience if someone is in pain and experiencing theirs, it’s just a terrible way of communicating and often doesn’t end well. Sometimes people just want a listening ear or some sympathy as opposed to hearing how you’ve been through similar (because tbh a tear and a vasectomy are not the same). I’d give him some grace, I’ve heard a lot of men are emotional about getting a vasectomy even though they don’t voice it. His response/behaviour is absolutely not a red flag but you also are absolutely allowed to feel sad about it because I’m pretty sure you were just simply trying to help. It’ll blow over lovely. Xx

Well he should be a feminist if he actually cares about you…