MIL

I don't have any advice as I'm due in August but I don't think you're being a bitch. Sounds like a mega tricky situation 😕

Is your partner willing to pick up the "entertaining" part of having her over at all? Not fair for either of them to expect you to be waiting on her when she is over...

No, you're not being a bitch and quite frankly, your partner needs to be more supportive. I know it's probably hurtful to hear these things about his mum but it's also not fair for you as you're the one dealing with her. Might be worth sitting down together with MIL and gently but firmly explaining that is she wants you come over thats fine but she needs to respect boundaries - no lunch, if she wants feeding helping with washing etc. I would sit MIL and partner down separately as you don't want them ganging up on you! As for the hen do - my mum never goes on them because she feels like you should be able to have the freedom to talk about things a mother shouldn't hear, so I wouldn't invite my MIL either! Also at 70, is she really going to want to do the things you want to do? Because tbh, it sounds like she would just moan the whole time anyway, which isn't fair on YOUR special event. Good luck ❤️

I get that completely. At first I thought I am being unreasonable because she’s not my mum and we werent that close when I was pregnant, but now my daughter is here, and I’ve seen her with her, she’s never been that gentle with her. straight away messaged me when I was at the hospital asking to be the first person there when I just need rest and I felt it wasn’t fair we wanted time before people came. since being home says she doesn’t want to be pushy but all she does is be pushy. Same thing always seems to touch her when she’s asleep so she wakes her up which messes up her routine, which works well. Baring in mind I have a lot of family and not one of them have ever done this. My worst thing is that no matter what I’ve said she always kisses her hands lips hands and I’ve said too many times this isn’t okay but she still does it. Wants to see her again soon and I am just dreading it I’ve had a conversation with my partner and if she doesn’t it again I want to stop seeing her until

Things like that are respected she says she cares about her but for her own reasons she still thinks that’s okay!

I think mil is always a bit of a tricky one because you worry too much about their feelings but they aren’t thinking of you how they should. Your feelings are completely valid and a conversation should be had between everyone.
I’ve never been to a hen do where their mum is there or mil even if it was the norm it isn’t like you’re singling her out it’s for you to be free and have fun with your friends xxx

Definitely not being a bitch… sounds like your mum is helpful and MIL is a bit more like a hindrance..
Your partner should understand this and maybe talk to his mum about it.
As for the hen do, no I wouldn’t invite the MIL but to appease her I may consider a simple meal out or something with both mothers and the bridesmaids and let MIL think that’s the hen but the official hen do no thanks

Definitely not being a bitch, we’re in a similar position in terms of my mum is over every few days but when my MIL comes over it’s the same, holds the baby and doesn’t offer to help or do anything. My partner is supportive of my point of view of me needing my mum and so we don’t invite MIL over that much and when we do we try and do it on weekends when he is here to help.
Hen do’s are awkward, I had 2 one small one in my mums garden for ‘parents’ and bridesmaids and then did a night out with my friends and bridesmaids. Could you do something similar?
Also, it’s YOUR wedding not hers. She can be put out but you are not in control of her emotions, that’s how she may feel but it is not up to you to make her happy. X

Definitely not a bitch

I don't think you are a bitch & I don't really have any advice. I wish my MIL would spend more time with my little boy as she doesn't work so she could come over & see him any time during the week, but she will only come over on a Sunday with my FIL. I did invite both her & my mum to my hen during the day, though, as I did afternoon tea specifically so that I could have them there.

Not a bitch, I have a very similar situation. My mum (who can also grate on me so she’s not perfect) is here every few days as she supports with childcare for my older child. She doesn’t do my housework but would if I asked and she’s happy to come and watch baby if I want to jump in the shower etc. MIL visited after both kids were born and maybe another time a few weeks after then seemed like the novelty wore off and she was upset when my son didn’t know who she was. This time round, she mentioned to my husband that she wants to be able to just pop round when he’s at work to ‘help’ but all of my experience is that I’d be making tea, lunch, listening to stories without getting a word in and she’d just sit and hold the baby which isn’t helpful as then I’m getting even less done. My husband fully accepts that my family do more for us but he won’t say anything to his mum and just told her to contact me about it 😶 although she hasn’t yet so I think it might’ve been empty anyway.

waking a sleeping baby for your own entertainment and thinking it’s acceptable is wild. You’d never go to someone’s house and get a toddler out of bed just to look at them would you! The kissing is also a HARD pass!! I’m not overbearing as a parent in anyway, my older child is always covered in scrapes because he’s allowed to just be a boy but RSV in babies can be so dangerous and I don’t know why particularly older people are so blasé about taking that chance! I think they don’t respect that there has been advances in science and technology and because they didn’t know about it at the time, it can’t exist now and they think we’re all hippy helicopter parents!

CRAZY isn’t it. My partner said well maybe they just can’t contain themselves because they don’t see her all the time. They see her every 2 weeks and it happens every time so why do they get the right to just feel they can do that. The worst part is after the last time we saw his mum she ended up in hospital being unwell says she would never forgive herself If baby got sick, um so why risk it!! Even on her hands it’s like she’s chewing them all the time just look if she’s asleep it isn’t hard! That is such a good point you would never just go and wake someone up for your own benefit but for some reason because it’s a baby it’s okay? Annoys me because bf has never been close with his mum and now suddenly he’s mr protective of her. If she does it next time we see her I said I am just leaving with my baby girl and he will have to deal with it i can’t have this anymore it’s been 2.5 months now how much more do you tell someone! Xx

is your partner aware of RSV? My husband is so laid back so I know he’d be very similar but if he understood that it’s spread so easily through things like kissing the baby and that it can make them seriously ill, maybe he’d be more inclined to back you up? It’s such a shit situation though! I don’t know if you’d want to have more children but not having the boundaries now would also definitely make it harder in the future if you did and you’d have all the dread from this playing on your mind. As her mum, you can say or do whatever you want for her benefit and if people don’t agree with it then tough shit quite frankly!

Be very blunt to your partner and say if my mum kept coming and was doing the same as your mum I wouldn’t agree to have her over as much. Period. BUT because she’s doing xyz which I NEED right nowwww!!! I’m obviously loving having her over! If anything she’s helping us both! Either I tell both not to come and you (partner) do all the things that my mums been doing or we continue this way. End of conversation. It’s about me and my recovery and baby. And if my mum is coming to help it gives us more time to do other things and just bond with baby!

This sounds so tricky I’m so sorry!
I don’t think you’re being a bitch tho, when you have a baby you need support not more to worry about.

I would say either tell her bluntly that the hen do is a friends thing or if that will cause issues, have two! Have one fun and free one, then have a lunch date with family? Xx

Not unreasonable at all! I think girls are usually closer to their mums. I have the exact same with my partners mum. She has two boys so maybe feels a bit left out and doesn’t understand the mother daughter dynamic, but makes comments/digs about my mum seeing our baby which really winds me up! I wouldn’t mind but she’s hardly in the country and when she is she expects us to drop everything! She also doesn’t respect our way of parenting and the last time she looked after her, she left her to cry despite knowing that’s not what I do. It sounds like your MIL is a bit the same and being involved can seem a more like it’s for show rather than actually wanting to be involved.
My partner gets it, but he has quite a fractious relationship with his parents so it often feels like he has to appease them. I think it’s hard for partners sometimes as they’re trying to please both worlds - us/their new family’s vs their parents but your partner should be having your back on this 100%

If your partner is also getting pissy about the amount of time his mum gets with the baby then he needs to arrange it, entertain her, and then clean up after. Why on earth would you be responsible for his mother’s relationship with his child!?!? Wild!