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Vendors

MIL

How do we manage our MIL’s or am I being a bitch?

Firstly my best friend is organising my hen and my MIL called my partner and said to him she would be considerably put out if she does not receive an invitation. I wasn’t even going to invite my own mum. Did you invite your MIL to your hen do?

Secondly, she is demanding more time with my 7 week old baby which I understand because my LG is gorgeous. However every time my MIL comes over she’s nervous holding baby, she is itching to leave because she wants to smoke, she tries to wake baby because she wants her to smile and coo at her and tells me babies at this age aren’t really her thing. Also she’s turning 70 soon.

My Mum is 56 she is super confident with baby, she changes her, feeds her, puts her down for naps, brushes her hair, sings to her and needs no guidance. She’s just been super helpful and so when I need help I ask my mum. Also when my mum asks to come over I always say yes because she super helpful to have over. She will clean, cook, bring shopping, iron and do laundry. I don’t ask she just does it. But when my MIL comes over she’s expects tea and cake or lunch (made by me) then leaves all the washing up for me. I never say no to her coming but I don’t encourage her to come every week like my mum.

My partner and his mum are put out by how much time my mum gets with baby. I explained to him why and he got pissy with me. Am I wrong? 😑

Also it’s not like she’s out of practise because her other grandchild is two. So I don’t know why she’s like this with my baby and not her grandson.

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I don't have any advice as I'm due in August but I don't think you're being a bitch. Sounds like a mega tricky situation 😕

Is your partner willing to pick up the "entertaining" part of having her over at all? Not fair for either of them to expect you to be waiting on her when she is over...

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No, you're not being a bitch and quite frankly, your partner needs to be more supportive. I know it's probably hurtful to hear these things about his mum but it's also not fair for you as you're the one dealing with her. Might be worth sitting down together with MIL and gently but firmly explaining that is she wants you come over thats fine but she needs to respect boundaries - no lunch, if she wants feeding helping with washing etc. I would sit MIL and partner down separately as you don't want them ganging up on you! As for the hen do - my mum never goes on them because she feels like you should be able to have the freedom to talk about things a mother shouldn't hear, so I wouldn't invite my MIL either! Also at 70, is she really going to want to do the things you want to do? Because tbh, it sounds like she would just moan the whole time anyway, which isn't fair on YOUR special event. Good luck ❤️

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I get that completely. At first I thought I am being unreasonable because she’s not my mum and we werent that close when I was pregnant, but now my daughter is here, and I’ve seen her with her, she’s never been that gentle with her. straight away messaged me when I was at the hospital asking to be the first person there when I just need rest and I felt it wasn’t fair we wanted time before people came. since being home says she doesn’t want to be pushy but all she does is be pushy. Same thing always seems to touch her when she’s asleep so she wakes her up which messes up her routine, which works well. Baring in mind I have a lot of family and not one of them have ever done this. My worst thing is that no matter what I’ve said she always kisses her hands lips hands and I’ve said too many times this isn’t okay but she still does it. Wants to see her again soon and I am just dreading it I’ve had a conversation with my partner and if she doesn’t it again I want to stop seeing her until

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Things like that are respected she says she cares about her but for her own reasons she still thinks that’s okay!

I think mil is always a bit of a tricky one because you worry too much about their feelings but they aren’t thinking of you how they should. Your feelings are completely valid and a conversation should be had between everyone.
I’ve never been to a hen do where their mum is there or mil even if it was the norm it isn’t like you’re singling her out it’s for you to be free and have fun with your friends xxx

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Definitely not being a bitch… sounds like your mum is helpful and MIL is a bit more like a hindrance..
Your partner should understand this and maybe talk to his mum about it.
As for the hen do, no I wouldn’t invite the MIL but to appease her I may consider a simple meal out or something with both mothers and the bridesmaids and let MIL think that’s the hen but the official hen do no thanks

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Definitely not being a bitch, we’re in a similar position in terms of my mum is over every few days but when my MIL comes over it’s the same, holds the baby and doesn’t offer to help or do anything. My partner is supportive of my point of view of me needing my mum and so we don’t invite MIL over that much and when we do we try and do it on weekends when he is here to help.
Hen do’s are awkward, I had 2 one small one in my mums garden for ‘parents’ and bridesmaids and then did a night out with my friends and bridesmaids. Could you do something similar?
Also, it’s YOUR wedding not hers. She can be put out but you are not in control of her emotions, that’s how she may feel but it is not up to you to make her happy. X

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Definitely not a bitch

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I don't think you are a bitch & I don't really have any advice. I wish my MIL would spend more time with my little boy as she doesn't work so she could come over & see him any time during the week, but she will only come over on a Sunday with my FIL. I did invite both her & my mum to my hen during the day, though, as I did afternoon tea specifically so that I could have them there.

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Not a bitch, I have a very similar situation. My mum (who can also grate on me so she’s not perfect) is here every few days as she supports with childcare for my older child. She doesn’t do my housework but would if I asked and she’s happy to come and watch baby if I want to jump in the shower etc. MIL visited after both kids were born and maybe another time a few weeks after then seemed like the novelty wore off and she was upset when my son didn’t know who she was. This time round, she mentioned to my husband that she wants to be able to just pop round when he’s at work to ‘help’ but all of my experience is that I’d be making tea, lunch, listening to stories without getting a word in and she’d just sit and hold the baby which isn’t helpful as then I’m getting even less done. My husband fully accepts that my family do more for us but he won’t say anything to his mum and just told her to contact me about it 😶 although she hasn’t yet so I think it might’ve been empty anyway.

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@Shaney waking a sleeping baby for your own entertainment and thinking it’s acceptable is wild. You’d never go to someone’s house and get a toddler out of bed just to look at them would you! The kissing is also a HARD pass!! I’m not overbearing as a parent in anyway, my older child is always covered in scrapes because he’s allowed to just be a boy but RSV in babies can be so dangerous and I don’t know why particularly older people are so blasé about taking that chance! I think they don’t respect that there has been advances in science and technology and because they didn’t know about it at the time, it can’t exist now and they think we’re all hippy helicopter parents!

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@Amy CRAZY isn’t it. My partner said well maybe they just can’t contain themselves because they don’t see her all the time. They see her every 2 weeks and it happens every time so why do they get the right to just feel they can do that. The worst part is after the last time we saw his mum she ended up in hospital being unwell says she would never forgive herself If baby got sick, um so why risk it!! Even on her hands it’s like she’s chewing them all the time just look if she’s asleep it isn’t hard! That is such a good point you would never just go and wake someone up for your own benefit but for some reason because it’s a baby it’s okay? Annoys me because bf has never been close with his mum and now suddenly he’s mr protective of her. If she does it next time we see her I said I am just leaving with my baby girl and he will have to deal with it i can’t have this anymore it’s been 2.5 months now how much more do you tell someone! Xx

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@Shaney is your partner aware of RSV? My husband is so laid back so I know he’d be very similar but if he understood that it’s spread so easily through things like kissing the baby and that it can make them seriously ill, maybe he’d be more inclined to back you up? It’s such a shit situation though! I don’t know if you’d want to have more children but not having the boundaries now would also definitely make it harder in the future if you did and you’d have all the dread from this playing on your mind. As her mum, you can say or do whatever you want for her benefit and if people don’t agree with it then tough shit quite frankly!

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Be very blunt to your partner and say if my mum kept coming and was doing the same as your mum I wouldn’t agree to have her over as much. Period. BUT because she’s doing xyz which I NEED right nowwww!!! I’m obviously loving having her over! If anything she’s helping us both! Either I tell both not to come and you (partner) do all the things that my mums been doing or we continue this way. End of conversation. It’s about me and my recovery and baby. And if my mum is coming to help it gives us more time to do other things and just bond with baby!

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This sounds so tricky I’m so sorry!
I don’t think you’re being a bitch tho, when you have a baby you need support not more to worry about.

I would say either tell her bluntly that the hen do is a friends thing or if that will cause issues, have two! Have one fun and free one, then have a lunch date with family? Xx

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Not unreasonable at all! I think girls are usually closer to their mums. I have the exact same with my partners mum. She has two boys so maybe feels a bit left out and doesn’t understand the mother daughter dynamic, but makes comments/digs about my mum seeing our baby which really winds me up! I wouldn’t mind but she’s hardly in the country and when she is she expects us to drop everything! She also doesn’t respect our way of parenting and the last time she looked after her, she left her to cry despite knowing that’s not what I do. It sounds like your MIL is a bit the same and being involved can seem a more like it’s for show rather than actually wanting to be involved.
My partner gets it, but he has quite a fractious relationship with his parents so it often feels like he has to appease them. I think it’s hard for partners sometimes as they’re trying to please both worlds - us/their new family’s vs their parents but your partner should be having your back on this 100%

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If your partner is also getting pissy about the amount of time his mum gets with the baby then he needs to arrange it, entertain her, and then clean up after. Why on earth would you be responsible for his mother’s relationship with his child!?!? Wild!

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Am I overreacting???

So I have a younger sister (23yr old ) she has 3 kids , 5,2 & 1 yr old .
She is constantly asking for me to baby sit for free .Which at first i didn’t mind wtv but now it’s constant & I’m tired of it .I have my own kid to take care of and tbh I don’t like taking care of my nephews … I love them to death but I just can’t with 4 kids by my self …. She asked if I can babysit again tomorrow for 4 hours I said “sure for a small golden eagle coffee frm Dutch bros “and she got upset … girl I’m done

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2

10

Am I a bad mom?

Hi Mamas,

Am I wrong for wanting to leave my baby with my husband for a few hours so I can eat dinner with my brother? I just feel like I need some time away and honestly, with taking care of the baby all day, I am starting to resent my husband.

I know it’s just the woes of parenting, but he comes home after work and doesn’t have to do much.

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2

8

Is this all in my head ?

I finally have a little time to myself. A family member came and picked up my two older kids and I’m left here with my baby boy but for some reason now that they’re gone and it’s not so much I have to do. I realize how depressed I am my partner is in the military, and I feel like he doesn’t want to come back. I am carrying all the way on my own emotionally. I don’t have any friends all I do is work and try my best to clean and do homework for myself. Part of me wants to call them and tell them to come back home, but I know once the kids come back I’m going to be overwhelmed all over again, but I can’t enjoy the alone time that I have because I’m stuck in my head.

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3

Going no contact with in laws, undecided.

Hey. So this is a bit of a long winded situation forgive me if you have to read on forever. Advice is really appreciated. I don't want to feel like I'm weaponising my child or using her as leverage in any way so I really need some honest advice as my concerns are genuine.

Since announcing our pregnancy , my sister in law and her 19 year old daughter have gone from being super close with us, to ignoring us completely. I mean ignoring scans, not asking how we are, ignoring our attempts to make plans for other family members birthdays, nothing. Unfortunately my partner's dad has been undergoing intensive cancer treatment so it has been a super delicate and emotional time for everyone, but everyone else in the family including father in law has been really excited for us and made space for this good thing amongst the bad which I'm so grateful for as I didn't expect it at all. We've tried not to make it seem like the most important thing going on right now and been there for support, meal prepped his parents some food for those days they've spent at hospital and can't make dinner, we've not done gender reveal parties or baby showers as a result of this big fall out / perhaps it not being the right time either.

So the sister in law has a history of making things about her, and upsetting people with her behaviour. It's not the first time, she did it over her brother's wedding because things didn't go her way. So I was semi prepared for a bit of resentment / inability to be happy for us. But I was still really quite hurt when it materialised. My first trimester was spent really upset not understanding what I did wrong to them to deserve them not welcoming my baby. We put our foot down after a few months of being ignored and decided to call out the behaviour, and we just got a complete attack in return. Apparently we are responsible for the fact she doesn't have a partner for support through her dad's cancer diagnosis, apparently we don't show up for the parents as much as she does (she works from home and lives round the corner, we are one hour away) apparently her daughter prefers how my partner was with her before I came along. Lots of things that just show resentment came up and we've had no apology for it, some of it felt like it came completely out of the blue. Apparently they were ignoring us because before Christmas we didn't like a photo of her daughter Infront of a Christmas tree. (We were going through some really sad stuff at the time). We have explained this, and said it's not really on the same scale as ignoring the existence of an entire new baby for months. It just felt like she was clutching at straws and throwing lots of punches rather than telling the truth as to why they decided to become upset with us after we became pregnant.

I've kept quiet, I've been in hospital twice with heart palpitations which turned out to be panic attacks. Had to go on anti depressants which made me really unwell for MONTHS, not keeping food or water in. Like I've not been okay at all and have communicated on two occasions that I need this to stop for the sake of baby whatever the issue is, theres more important things happening. Completely ignored. It's made things tricky in a sense of the family getting together too. My other sister in law (married to partners brother) is disgusted at how she's behaved and doesn't want much to do with her because she's been on the receiving end also.

I've had to scroll my feed and see bitchy videos from my niece about how 'talking to her is a privilege not an option ' with sister in law commenting things like 'damn right' after we were the ones ignored for months. The whole situation is just silly. But it's upset me a lot.

I've loved these girls like my own family for the past four years, but the way they've made me break down and put my baby at risk I really don't feel like I can move past. They obviously have a lot of resentment for me and I just feel like I can't then trust them around my baby, I feel like they don't deserve to get to hold my child or even look at her and I can't get past that feeling. My partner is in full support as he's seen how upset it has made me, he's been as worried as me at times for babys health amongst this.

I don't want any contact, have had them blocked for months anyway but I have a feeling they may try to show up when baby's here. What would you do?

There are a lot of details and things done and said left out but it's the jist of it. I've not spoken to them, I tried to reach out yet another time for this to stop and they ignored me and continued to ignore us revealing the gender too, but went straight on to wishing people a happy birthday in the same family chat the following day.

Is there any way to make space for your child to have a relationship when they've disrespected the mum and disregarded her feelings, health etc during pregnancy?

I've gotten to a stage I've dealt with it and have kind of decided what I think of them after all this, but having to make that decision on behalf of your child is something I've not experienced before.

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Anyone else's husband?

I'm 8 days pp with our 4th baby, the others are all under the age of 4. Literally still in diapers, and my husband has the audacity to ask me to suck his dick today. Twice. He mentioned earlier this morning how horny he's been for days and my response was I'm sorry I still got like 5 weeks to go and he made some stupid comment about me having hands and a mouth still. I know he was joking he's not that much of an asshole lol but the last thing I want to do right now is be sexual. I feel like a milking cow and I'm wearing diapers like. Anyone else's husband? He's very open about the fact that he's been like taking care of it himself if you get me but that's been a thing in our relationship and im fine with it, it's just like asking me only a week after having an unmedicated vbac now back at home taking care of 4 kids and as im getting ready to finally go to sleep youre gonna ask me for that?

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Is this weird or am I being dramatic?

I’m living with my mum atm as me and my bd split up before I had my baby. I’ve been feeding my friends cat for about a week as she’s on holiday and mum got in from work (night shifts) and said she’d watch the baby so I don’t need to take him with me. I’ve just got back in and he’s in bed cuddled up with her asleep. No problem there but she’d got undressed to go to bed so he’s cuddled against her bare breast? And it’s just made me feel a tad uncomfortable. Is it just me or would anyone else feel a certain way about this??

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