New job woes

Being a working mom is so hard. I worked 50+ hours a week for 6 years. I was completely consumed in my career and felt like I missed out on so much 🥺 you just have to put your best effort to enjoy every second you do have with them and don’t forget that you’re doing your best. ❤️

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My husband wants me to stay at home. And I don’t know how I feel about it after working my whole life ? How was it for you?

It has been a pretty tough transition. My life has been flipped upside down. Honestly though, one of the best decisions I made. Even looking back, all the money I made, the promotions, the goals I reached.. none of it was worth the time away from my kids. And being home with them has made a huge impact on them and the way they act. It’s quite the journey!

Honestly that feeling never went away for me. If I wasn’t struggling with mom guilt I was struggling with wife guilt and feeling like there wasn’t enough time in the day to get everything done.

I think my peace of mind comes from knowing my daughter is in such good hands. My grandmother, in laws, and mother watch her 1 day a week and she goes to a fantastic sitter the other two days. I spend the weekends playing and cuddling her. I've never been the kind of person to want to stay home so that helps too. We've told our family and sitter that unless we say Sloane has done something new, to not tell us so we can still experience her new moments for the first time ourselves. I don't know how I would be as a stay home mom but I know I'm still a great parent to her even working full time. And you are too!!

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What a great idea!! I use to stop teachers at my old job from telling parents new milestones as well !! They work so hard and to get off work and hear we experienced that, too much for me to be excited about. I just couldn’t 😢💗

I work full time and my daughter started daycare shortly before 3 months. It was hard because she had just started to become interested in new things and in us and was just beginning to become aware. I just try to be present when I am home with her. This is not great self care but I put off eating dinner (she’s purely breastfed so we don’t eat dinner together or anything) until after she goes to bed so I get the most amount of time with her. Then I eat my weight in food because I’m still breastfeeding. She’s goes to a great in home daycare and we really trust the people there. I think that helps a lot. I mostly try to remind myself that her social-emotional skills and sense of security is going to come a lot from her relationship with her family and try to provide the most positive environment possible. Even if I miss her, that’s a really important value to us and it helps to know that we’re setting a good example for her. And most importantly: give all the cuddles!

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I know it’s hard. Especially when they’re little and they go to bed so early. A mom friend of mine who also has a full-time job told me when I went back to work and was having a complete emotional breakdown because I just knew I was going to “miss everything” that my child will still love me, she’ll be excited to see me at the end of the day, and I’m setting an example for her of balancing work and life and still loving her just as much as I would if I stayed home with her. Stay strong mama! 💪🏽💗

That’s kind of what I’m doing now too. My kids are home with my husband most of the time and the other people that watch them love them dearly. I just feel like I’m missing so much 😩

2.5 year full time and I still feel the same. I'm sorry! I've had to let go of laundry or dishes to make sure we go do fun things they want to do on weekends. I've done more sleep overs in the living room on friday nights were they pick the movies and make the popcorn. That's been a big success for us. Good luck❤

I try to maximize the time I do have at home with my daughter by outsourcing what I can. I get my groceries delivered and get my house cleaned every 3 weeks. I try to run errands during breaks at work so that when I am with my daughter I’m truly present. Missing out on some things sucks but I feel like our time together is quality. Another thing to consider is for most 40 hour a week jobs you’re only apart about 20-25% of the time

Me too. I feel bad all the time too

Not knowing what you do I can’t say if this will work for you, but I pushed SOOO hard for either a compressed schedule (meaning 4-10s) or a partial from home schedule. 95% of my job at the time was solo on my laptop so it made sense. Eventually I was granted 2 days/week from home in that job, and when I interviewed for a dif dept, I basically told them I wasn’t interested unless they could offer me the same. I’m not sure what field you work in but so many businesses are adopting flexible work schedules/locations in this day and age. It’s definitely worth either talking to your manager or starting that search for a company who is willing to work with you, if you’re able and willing to do that. Again not knowing what field you’re in, I don’t know if that will work for you, but I never in a million years thought that I would be granted this (even though it made no sense to require someone to be there) and it might be worth looking into for you as well.

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I asked my work about this recently and was told that I could not have it as it no matter which day I am at home my baby needs to go to the child care

I felt a bit like my privacy is being dictated. They even asked me which days does he go to the nursery. And what does he do.

I totally get it. I went back to work after 8 weeks maternity leave after a Cesarean. I started out doing 30hrs a week for a month and that was still to difficult because of the travel time. I never had time for anything. I decided to look for work elsewhere. I put in my 2 weeks and then was saying by. I started my new job this Tuesday, and it's amazing! I have so much time to spend with my daughter now and it's not a stay at home. I only work part time and its more money and closer than my last job. Plus perks is in inside but still super active with being cold or too hot and no more being soaked from the rain

I know how you feel. I worked my whole life and for the first time I’m completely dependent on my partner for money, and it feels like I had my freedom taken away from me,like, I can’t just go and buy something for myself without telling him what I bought or how much I’ve spent. On the other hand, I haven’t missed one moment of my child, the first time he smiled and was not wind hahaha, the way he looks around and how he’s developing so fast, of course is tiring and I feel pretty lonely as well, after all, I’m new in town, have no friends and spend all my day with a baby. But in the long run, not working and spending time with my child will be worth it, and if I ever decide to go back to work it’ll probably be a part time one. But again, don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing the best you can and is wonderful, I was raised by my grandma because my mom worked a lot, and today I see the great job she’s done and that she worked a lot to give me the best in life. Your children will see that too :)

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Just as if I had written this, except for the part about you being raised by your grandma, because for me it was my parents. I am also new in town, depending on my husband completely, can’t buy myself anything without telling him, like you said, and I feel isolated, but I don’t think I could work full time right now, my son is only 9 months and I am sooo glad I can be a stay at home mom and I can be with him all the time. With that being said I admire the women who work full time having a baby, for me that would be the hardest thing.

I'm a full time mom and always had that guilt as a mom and wife. I want to say it get better but it doesnt (not for me.) I do know what helps alot is that my parents watch him 3 days and he goes to a great in home day care 2 times. The best part is when u get home and ur child smiles, run, screams whatever it is when u get home bc they are so happy to see you all them feeling go away. I told whoever's watched him when he was young not to tell me anything new he did only bc I wanted that 1st moment. Some times I wish I was a stay at home mom bc almost everyone I know stays home with their babies but I know I can't and I dont think I would do a good job haha. I always said even tho its work it me time. I get to have adult conversations, watch my shows on break, have hot coffee. Try to pick out the good instead of always picking out the bad. I know it hard but always remember you are doing a great job

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Yes to this! No matter how hard it is and how much I love and miss my babies, I also love myself enough to keep my career, which is part of me and my identity.

I just started back and cried buckets of the thought, but turning out not so bad (my husband has her in AM so makes a difference I’m sure) I like leaving a mommy note by video each AM w effects. I also Face Time her a lot through the day. I try to get home as early as possible and we go right out the door for an hour, to enjoy her (tennis court w lights, basketball court w lights, Target, pizza, Christmas lights.) Then we do dinner together, bath, a 5 min walk bundled in the stroller, books bed. It is magical for both of us &Makes me feel connected to her. Not planning on doing this schedule forever, just now.

I get it. I did an in home daycare with my son for the first 14 months of his life Then got a full time job It SUCKED I found a job where I work night shift now and it is so hard because although I’m home I feel like a zombie. But we have to understand we are doing it for them we are doing it for the family.

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I'm like you with the night shift. I'm super grateful to be with my daughter but definitely feel like a zombie most days. It's hard but I'm willing to make the sacrifice.

I get it! My DD is 4 now and I've worked full time since he was 18 months. I know how you feel. I try to make sure we're doing things I want to do together rather than what I feel we ought to do. I changed from a private nursery to a private childminder with her own children + 30 hrs free school nursery. I feel DD is getting better care now, but I'm still missing out. Now looking to change jobs, if you can afford to change, it's only money xx

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What is a private child minder?

Usually someone who is ofsted registered but looks after children from home instead of a nursery setting and they have a lot less children to look after x

I try not to focus on house work and try to be more in the moment with my daughter. The work will always be there, she will never be as little as she is today ❤️

I feel the same With my first my manager was nice and let me work 2 days from home. My new manager has said I can work occasionally but won’t put anything on paper. It’s a bit of a culture shock as for 4 years a had autonomy of which office I worked from or from home Now I have to ask permission - a bit insulting as I’m not low down in the pecking order so should be trusted to work remotely My travel is what puts me out 1.5 hours. Leave at 7.30am and home at 7pm I’ll trial 3

It's super hard for me! I went back when my daughter was 3months and it killed me, but my husband works from home so you watches her. But it hard cuz I want to stay at home with her, but I thank God that I can have him home instead of a stranger. At least she has one of her parents with her

At the same point right now. Its wierd to be not working and its wierd leaving her alone to go yo work. I feel I am loosing anyways....mom guilt is more painful then labor pains.😕😕😕😕

I love that I went back to work. The time away from my daughter gives us time to grow and have new experiences that we can come back and share with each other. She’s in preschool now, and I’ve been working full time since she was 4 months old. Today, she told me all about her favorite and the “worstest” thing that happened at school and I told her about forgetting my badge and having to run to catch the train. Our apart time informs our together time. There’s a joke statement “how can I miss you when you won’t go away...” I take my time with her less for granted I think, because I get the chance to miss her. Specific strategies: -Prioritize the things you really don’t want to miss. I missed her first Halloween and was so sad, so I take it off every year, as well as her birthday. -Be where you are. When you are at work be at home, and at home be at home. -Do something for yourself to transition. Sometimes, I take a shower when I come home to get a few minutes just for me.

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This is really good advice. Thanks for sharing Terri !

Honestly I’d give anything to work full time in a job putting my education that I earned in the Dental program to work as a Dental Assistant. I love my kids. But I get bored staying at home doing the same routine. I miss making and having my own money. Keeping my mind,body and spirits busy. I don’t get my own money. And have issues going on with my children’s father .

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I totally understand. Being at home is hard and can get so frustratingly repetitive. I hope you find something to keep you engaged—working is a blessing for sure. On tough days I always try to remind myself that my babies are happy to have me just like I’m happy to have them 💕

I’ve never been able to deal with this question. When I’m working I feel like I’m missing out. When I’m at home, I just wanna be working.

I used to feel like that at the beginning. There were times that I would get very sad as I thought about it. For my personal experience I have been feeling a lot better by changing the way I see the situation. I focused more on quality time than quantity time. I try to be fully present while I’m at home with my kids and not focused on how much time I’m spending with them.

It's such a dilemma. I completely understand. You just have to do what you can and not beat yourself up. I'm on maternity leave at the moment but will be returning to work full time when my son is just over 6 months old. My husband is unable to work at the moment due to health issues so we decided before we started trying for a baby that he would be a stay at home dad and I'd work, especially as I'm in quite a high earning position. It seems quite rare for the roles to be reversed, even in this day and age, and I do feel in a minority as most of my close female relatives, coworkers etc who have had children take at least a year off as their husbands are working. This is more the case in the UK. People are usually surprised that I'm not planning to be off longer. A few people have even said how hard it could be, which is of course just what I want to hear! I do miss certain aspects of work and don't think I'd be suited to being a stay at home mum. I'd probably be happy working part time. Needs must though!

I cope by making the best out of it. Making all my free time their time.

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Loving your babies and loving yourself can look different than you might think at first. What helps me when I’m trying to stay on top of things is to show them that housework can be fun—dancing around to music while doing the dishes, letting my toddler help sweep and vacuum, watching something I like when I fold laundry—and, ultimately, taking the pressure off. Show them you love them. They won’t remember the mess. And anyone who tries to shame you for it (even your inner voice) isn’t worth listening to. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to do it all yourself 💕

I try to spend as much time as I can with them. I always try to make things fun. we cook dinner together we watch out favorite shows play games. on my days off I try to take them somewhere they want to go.

I just started working too. I am fortunate enough to have my mom keep my baby. Every chance I get I text my mom and check on my son. She sends pictures and FaceTimes me on my lunch break. My husband says I’m a smother-mother lol, but I’m used to being home with him everyday for 2 years until now.

I agree I’m a single mom and I’m torn between staying home with my 3 year old and going to work thankfully my mom let us live with her for awhile but now I feel it’s time to get a place of our own and be a family just the 2 of us I also am sad because I don’t have money to get him anything for his birthday or Christmas but I don’t trust very many people

I'm a sahm but trying to start a business of my own and have been struggling with sooo much mom guilt. I finally saw this post from Rachel Hollis and thought it was really good. https://www.instagram.com/tv/B2RWMRlp5fI/?igshid=ghhkrw9ggdi8

This is my honest truth. I was a stay at home, up until recently. I have a 14, 12, 2, and now a new one is on the way and I can't imagine putting my little one in childcare so young. Right now my 2 y.o is with family while I work and thats okay, but they can't take on a newborn. Also I regret working everyday I go, my kids are so used to me being here for them when they need me. I don't like feeling like I abandoned them. I have health issues so after being gone 10 hours a day, and weekends being chores and running around I have no energy for them and that's not fair. I love to work, but honestly believe I was always ment to be mom.

Coping - well if you hve to work outside your home then you have to accept it . After that setting a time of special time for your baby 15-30 min of uninterrupted bonding is what will help. I don’t agree with all your free time being your child’s because you are also a person who needs Loving. YOU need to LOVE ON YOU. Get your nails done - have a nice bath etc. But set an allotted time to spend with your baby of uninterrupted time . It will make the hugest difference. I’m a work from home mom now - so I can feel for your concern but I also moved differently to make room for what I wanted for myself

It took me a couple of months to get into a routine and ask for pics and updates throughout day helped me feel closer. After work the few hours I have before she goes to sleep I spend entirely engaged with her and also on weekends.

I think it’s also important to recognize (if this is true for you) that you want a career and you want to work full time (or part time or whatever). I think that’s an important thing to recognize and give credit to when thinking about self care, that it’s okay to want those things for yourself and those wants and desires are valid. That thought has helped me a lot. Last week when I said good bye to my daughter at daycare she turned her head and buried it in the caregivers shoulder. I made a big stink about it in front of her (cuz it makes her giggle), but I left there grateful that she has caregivers that care about her so much and that she cares about so much. And knowing that when I picked her up she’d be all smiles and ready for cuddles 🥰

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At nearly 6 months old I’ve also started to feel more comfortable leaving to go do adult things. A big part of my identity before and during pregnancy was practicing Aikido. I’ve just gotten back into it and I know I’m a better person and a better mom for it even when I’m sad that she’s asleep when I get home sometimes. I definitely go in her room and stare at her while she’s asleep...and run out as soon as she starts stirring 😆

For me, I don't want to work, but I have to. Just to pay my utilities and insurance. I was a stay at home and homeschooling mom until my divorce when my kids were 12, 9, 7, and 3. It was that, or stay in an abusive relationship, and let my kids grow up to think that was okay. I work while they're in public schools now. I miss them so much, I still sometimes cry at work. Since I only see them half of the day, and every other weekend, it feels like I miss so much and they're growing up so much faster.

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I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’re setting a great example for them by being a brave mama ❤️

Thank you so much!

I feel for you, momma. One thing that makes me feel better is the knowledge that I'm setting a good example for my kids about work ethic and women in the workplace. I'm glad my girls have an example in me and their grandparents of women pursuing different careers. Staying at home is a great option for those who both want to and are able to afford to, but in our family we needed the income. Frankly, I also needed the structure and the outlet. I love my kids to bits and pieces, but I am a better mom to them when I have some time away from them to be an adult. It is always hard to know you may miss out on milestones, but you are going to be there when it matters. It is good for children be around other people too - the socialization of day care was always a positive for my kids.

It sucks. I found it really hard too. I ended up having another baby and took extended maternity leave but when I was working after my daughter I was gone 10+ hours with my commute. The only thing that I can give as advice to kinda help is make the most of the time you do have (at the expense of sleep/alone time). I would do all the chores, meal prep, etc at night after she went to bed (and passed a lot off on my husband, I told him if I was working equal he had to do equal housework), I got up earlier to get ready before she woke up. That gave me 1.5h in the morning before daycare and 2h at night after I got home plus the weekends all day minus nap time. It’s not enough, but it’s the most I could get so I soaked up every minute. On my lunch breaks at work I would order our groceries online for store pickup, I used amazon for pretty much everything so that I had no errands to run. Etc. But yeah, I feel you, it’s hard and I would be a sahm if that was financially my reality.

I’m planning g on only working nights and it’s 4 hour shifts so... maybe you can get a similar job.

I work "part time" (they just call it that so i dont get benifits) but its 5 days a week, so i just cook clean and then all the rest of my time is on my daughter.

So I’m just starting that journey, but something I try to do is be more present with my kiddo when I’m home. She’s 1 and at the stage where she is very much a mamas girl. So I try to do fun things with her like take a trip to target or some days we just cuddle up and read a bunch of books. Find something that you can do with each kid when you’re home and make that time special

It’s important to remember that you are working to support and provide for your family! That’s parenting too. I also wholeheartedly believe that my little one gets so much out of daycare. She’s socializing, learning and playing, and she is advancing so quickly. I personally love getting out of the house every day and working. It recharges my battery and makes me a better mom.

I work 30 hours have 4 kids and study a uni course. It’s hard juggling time but just making the most of time you do have together is great x

I start working when my baby was 2 month. It was very hard but with time it gets better (I keep watching him in my phone through live camera). Camera helps a lot!

How are you holding up Berti?

I quit my job and work from home! It’s challenging but I work in the pockets of time!