Big boys don’t cry, be a good girl 🤦‍♀️

Ugh- I said “you’re 5, quit actIng like a baby.” When I should’ve respected that she was feeling emotional about something. Not a great moment- or quote!

“Boys will be boys” is so annoying. “Sit like a lady” what does that even mean?

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Absolutely hate “boys will be boys” 😒

My mom used to tell me I was going to Hell for bad things I did! My baby girl is 10 months and I’m hoping I never say that! Or “you’re being over dramatic” I hated that one and I hope I don’t say that ever

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Woah! That is scary as heck!!!!! I would never say that one. “You’re being overdramatic” hurts, you’re so right. To a kid, it sounds like “Your strong feelings don’t matter.” I think I do accidentally say that to my kids. I say, “Ughhhhh! You’re being SO extra right now.” I should find a better thing to say. Like “Ughhhh Mommy is frustrated, too!” instead.

There are a lot that I don’t like. I don’t feel bass about using “big kids don’t cry” though. We’re not about to have a cry fest in the toy store.

My parents always told me to stop being dramatic. Stop throwing a pity party. Quit trying to defend yourself. It causes a lot of emotional trauma and caused me to shut down every time someone asks me how I feel because I don’t want to sound selfish or sound like I’m looking for attention. I won’t ever invalidate my daughter’s feelings like that. 😤

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Amen!!!

Couldn’t have said it better myself, really. I too have an EXTREMELY hard time explaining my feelings without feeling like it’a not okay to do so.

I haven’t used this, but my mom used to say “be presentable when you leave the house because you are a reflection of me”. No! I’m a reflection of my damn self! Didn’t realize how much of a narcissist she is until my mid 20’s.😩

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I’m sorry you had to grow up with a narcissist. I had a narcissist step-parent for a while, and he left some deep scars in our fam. ❤️❤️❤️ hugs to you and I’m glad you came out on the other side knowing your worth.

Thx Ele ❤️. I’m sorry that you went through this as well 😞. I’m still trying to figure out how to heal, but working hard to raise my daughter differently.

I find when adults comment on a friendship that a child has with another child - and calls them their "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" abhorrent. Why can't children have friendships without any pretense?

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Yes! I totally agree. Stacy I wish we lived closer together, I think we would be great mama friends!!

That bothers me too. I also can’t stand when parents talk about “arranged marriages” between their toddlers.

“The bogeyman/witch/monster is gonna get you.” WHAT. THE.F🙊🙊🙊. This messed me up so bad as a kid. I’d be happily playing alone, then suddenly I would feel watched, and think it was the bogeyman (who in my mind looked like a greenish, skinny old pedophile), and that idea would scare me so bad. I couldn’t enjoy playing alone because of it. PLEASE don’t tell your kids any imaginary thing is going to “get” or “eat” them. It’s awful.

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I’m so glad you are. ❤️❤️❤️ That stuff terrified me. It was normal when we were growing up, too. The world is scary enough to kids without telling them about invisible monsters and things.

Anything that is meant to scare my child, I block. Like trying to make them Afraid of the dark so they won’t go into a bedroom. So normal to do this when I was growing up so kids would obey. Totally against it

“I don’t wanna hear your crying.” Used it maybe twice when oldest toddler was only a couple years old. Felt terrible, and after the second time sworn to never utter it again. When I was a kid it made me feel like my feelings were more of an inconvenience. One thing my mom told me regularly that I’ll never say no matter what is, “You’re so selfish/stop being so selfish.” It instilled such an awful feeling. I felt like I didn’t matter at all. I don’t ever want to purposely make my little ones feel like they don’t matter.

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Ugh I can feel that feeling. What should we say when they are being kinda inconsiderate of others?

Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. 🤦🏻‍♀️ gosh that's so true.

My mom will call my LO a "faker" when he is crying - it makes me so angry. My child's feelings are valid and he's going to be allowed to express them.

Still to this day I get told to “suck it up”. I’ve always been very emotional & I cry when I am hurt & my so tells me to suck it up or to shut up bc it annoys him when I cry but my feelings are valid. I’ve come to realize that I do the same things to my child (5) & I probably shouldn’t but I don’t do it intentionally & feel awful about it afterwards.

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Ugh...that’s awful! :(

The organization I work for asked youth what they want caring adults to say and not say to them about their mental health. It’s an amazing list! Of course I cried when I read it because I have absolutely have said the things on the “don’t say” list to my son. The “say” list is so helpful! “Say”: https://healthyschools.sd61.bc.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/92/2017/04/FamilySmart-SAY-WEB-2017.pdf “don’t say”: http://www.familysmart.ca/files/FamilySmart-DONT-SAY-WEB-2017-1.pdf

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Uh links may not transfer. You could google it. It’s somewhere on the website familysmart.ca. Or maybe the link: http://www.familysmart.ca/files/UNFOLDING-PROOF-7-2.pdf

When my LO is crying , I hate when his dad tells him to stop because nothing is wrong with him or to man up . He’s super young but I don’t want him to grow up feeling like his feelings aren’t valid or men can’t cry

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I’m open to changing; I don’t want to invalidate their right to express themselves. But what is our option when they’re just whining or howling ON and ON, and you’ve validated their feelings (“I know! You’re so sad! Me too! I hate when it’s raining and we can’t go to the park. I wish we could go every day!”) and comforting, and distracting, and they’re still making those terribly hard-to-hear sounds? Is it ok to tell them you’re leaving the room? My kids will follow and howl unless they can’t because of a gate. I tell him “Ok that’s enough. Stop.” Because I don’t know what else to do. He’s working himself up and melting my brain cells simultaneously. 😞🤔

I completely understand. I hate when he tells my son “that’s enough”. We shldnt tell them when and for how long they’re able to express themselves. We shld never try to shut our kids up.

Swallow your tears. Something my mom used to say when I wanted to cry. I still remember trying to obey and my throat hurting from holding in the tears

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Awwww 😪❤️

I was shopping and a grandmother said to her grandson “no come on they’re the girl toys we’ll go find the boy toys” and I just cringed.. 😬

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Many toys are specifically made for girls or boys. We are different, no need to fight it.

Can you give me an example? I haven’t come across any toy yet that requires either my boy or girl to use their genitals?

“Keep crying & I’ll give you a reason to cry..” I literally said this the other day not even thinking it just came out like word vomit and it’s not like I even spank my child nor would I ever for her expressing herself. It came out and I cringed after I said it I felt absolutely awful and like such a 💩 mom! “Why are you even crying..?” or “That’s enough” are others my mom use to say, I’ve never said those thankfully, but the tone is very like invalidating. My mom never use to say anything to me about my weight or appearance, but she commented on herself a lot and that also made me grow up feeling very self conscious. I feel like her lack of self love contributed to a lot of my own self doubt and depression as a teen/young adult, that’s one of the biggest things I try to focus on. Our bodies change a lot after pregnancy and labor plus the new challenges of motherhood, it’s been hard to focus more on my overall health and how I feel rather than a number on a scale or clothing size.

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Good reminder about modeling good talk about ourselves. I forgot that kids pick up on those critical comments we use for ourselves and use them on themselves growing up. I definitely say “Ok that’s enough. No more crying” to my kids sometimes. Is it bad? I’m not sure. I try to validate their feelings often, but sometimes they just go on and on and on. I tell them I’m going to leave the room. Because they just can’t be distracted, affirmed, or consoled. It’s so hard. What DO we do when a toddler is just going on and on with the same howling, even after we’ve tried validating, solving, distracting, comforting? At some point, I can’t take it!

I’ve said “ok that’s quite enough.” Or “that’s enough of that.” when the kids have been crying but it’s when it’s more along the lines of a tantrum/fake crying rather than a hurt cry. It sounds harsh but my kids will walk all over you if they think they can get what they want by crying. We always come back to whatever the issue is after they have regained their composure.

I was just talking to my husband about this I always tell my son only little girls cry boys don’t cry 😢 because that’s what I would hear my mom tell my brother . And now I’m Trying my best to stop ✋ that because I realize it sounds as if I’m telling him he is a girl because he is crying 😢

My mil uses negative words to describe my daughter... she doesn’t mean it bad but it drives me!! I always correct her but they are deeply ingrained. Example: nosy instead of curious, stubborn instead of determined or persistent, etc.

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I think my mil thinks they are funny too. I’m probably over sensitive about it, i can be a pretty defensive person 🙈

Oops I use both nosy and stubborn. I think of it as funny in my head, but they do sound bad from the outside looking in! Time to swap some words out for better ones!

This topic is so challenging because there are so many sides to it. We want our children to be able to be part of the society in which they live. But we also want to teach reliance as well as mental health. I tell my kids all the time. Often esp in the big stuff you personal feelings don’t change a thing. You get what you get. You need to balance what you feel with how to be strong and function. You have to truck through then disassemble how you feel about it. Your feelings can’t shut you down!

Ugh 😑 nothing wrong with gender standards so many weak men in this generation. I will encourage my children to express emotions when it’s appropriate “you’re fish died? Son it’s ok you can cry” “you fell and no scratch?” “Toughen up you’re ok son!” Girls are more sensitive but will take similar approach also there’s a way to be a lady in certain situations I’m traditional there’s nothing wrong with social genders we don’t have enough ladies either.

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Sure. There may be times when x level of emotion isn't a "reasonable" response to a situation. But I think the point of this thread is that simply telling your children what their response should be doesn't help them figure out and develop healthy emotional responses. We all overreact sometimes. Maybe he fell and isn't hurt, but he was momentarily scared and needs a minute to adjust. Maybe he would "toughen up" simply by being asked if he's ok and realizing he is instead of being told he's not tough enough.

That’s exactly my whole motto that you just explained I don’t know if this makes me progressive without realizing it but my daughter she’s a girly little princess but every time she trips bumps her self I look st her if she’s not crying I don’t say anything I assume all is well if she reacts I rarely ever pick her up depending on severity I usually say you ok?? She usually giggles it off and acts her usual self I know a 4 year old girl that easily bumps herself and no it’s not a hard bump and she runs away crying her heart out...not sure if it’s my parenting style or if my daughter is just naturally tough...but yea ever since she was a crawler little accidents I brushed off and so did she 🤔

I found that I don’t like saying “You’re okay!” or “It’s okay!”, when it clearly wasn’t okay.

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I saw this sort of poster the other day with suggestions for other things to say. https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/av3ww1/what_i_try_to_think_about_when_my_boy_is_crying/

I like “shake it off” when the kiddo is hurt. Then we’re both shaking whatever body part got hurt and they start laughing (especially when my daughter bit her tongue and we are trying to shake our tongues in the air). It diffuses the situation without invalidating the fact that they did get hurt.

In our family we say cowboys and cowgirls don’t cry.. it’s not necessarily gender specific.. so i don’t see anything wrong with it

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I like that you’re being more equal with this, but everyone cries sometimes.

Remember my mum used to say to me, shut up or I'll give u something to cry about, 'just wait till I get you home' amongst other stuff lol I'd never say nothing like this to my child amongst other things that used to be said to me

We need to teach our kids to be kind and sympathetic but not so sensitive and easily offended. Reading these comments has me like 🤦🏼‍♀️ We don’t want to raise weak kids, we want strong level headed people.

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I think validating their feelings doesn’t make kids weak. I think it empowers them. They understand their feelings and how to handle them rather than suppress them and lash out. Mental health is the goal.

Boys who aren't allowed to cry grow up to be men who can't comfortably express emotions other than anger 😢 I'm glad to see so many moms recognizing these ingrained things and working to change. I have a daughter and I catch myself telling her that I have to clean or cook because it's a "moms job" which is problematic. I'm also working to get rid of "you're okay/that's enough" as a response to certain crying episodes as I think it's really healthiest to let her have and echoes her emotions (without getting wrapped up in them myself).

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Love this! It’s so hard to break these. They are so automatic.

Boys will be boys, when dismissing bad behaviour

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Hate hate this. Boys will be good humans all the way.

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