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2 years ago

Being brave and opening up... Pregnancy after loss.

This post is taking a lot of guts (and tears) to write. This post is about being brave and opening up. This little bunny is one of the MOST important things to me right now. Sure it's cute, soft and has a cute little pink nose but more important than that, it has the recording of my little unborn baby girls heartbeat inside. We didn't get it as a "just because", we got it because (and trust me this is hard to say) I'm struggling to bond with my pregnancy and our little one. It's not because I don't want her or love her, because every part of me already does. Maybe it's because I don't think I've really had any proper cravings, or because I don't have my bump yet, or maybe because my placenta is at the front so I barely feel any movements. Therefore it still feels like I'm not actually pregnant. I have days where I'm so excited about it and talk to her and rub my tummy. But there are also my struggle days. And these days are where I'm absolutely convinced that something is wrong or going to go wrong and that's all I can think about. And because of past experiences and times where the people who should of been there for me turned their backs on me, I then ended up building a wall, a barrier with anyone who tried to get close to me. Because what's the point? I'll just get hurt again anyway. And unfortunately I think this has followed through to my pregnancy. Maybe I'm subconsciously putting up a barrier just incase something goes wrong so it won't be such a long fall. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes that news of a new little baby on its way can be one of the most amazing things ever to happen in your life 💕 but don't forget for some people it can also be overwhelming, scary. We judge ourselves, feel guilty, frustrated, angry that we're feeling this way and don't understand why. But that doesn't mean that we don't/won't love our baby. It just means that maybe something happened in the past that the pregnancy has triggered again. So anyway, for me while I'm trying to work this out, whenever I'm feeling unsure that everything is OK or feeling a little detached, I reach for my new current best friend, hold it close and play that heartbeat while rubbing my tummy 🥰 and yes, just incase anyone's wondering my midwife is aware 😊
Being brave and opening up... Pregnancy after loss.

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2 years ago

I too felt like this with my 3rd who is currently hanging off my boob and I can’t stop smiling at him and kissing him. I don’t think I ever spoke to him, sung, read stories or rubbed my bump. This is because when I was pregnant with my 2nd everyone basically thought I should get rid because I was 33 with a 13yr old and how dare I get pregnant and how will I cope, dad wasn’t in the picture the whole journey was horrible I did not enjoy it one bit. So 9mths later when it came to my 3rd I didn’t even tell anyone I was pregnant I really wanted to enjoy the journey but dad wanted me to get rid from the get go made it clear he wanted no part, so again I was down and alone throughout even during giving birth. When I had him I didn’t even want to hold him. It wasn’t until later that day when he cried for his next feed and I learnt his little cry and I held him, only then did I really bond with him. Now 15mths later he’s just as attached to my hip as my other son. You are not alone mama.xxx

2 replies

2 years ago

Thank you 😊

2 years ago

Please feel free to reach out to me anytime you want hun.xx

2 years ago

My baby was a surprise, I was told I wouldnt get pregnant and at that time I had accepted that and was even a little thankful because due to my past I had never had any freedom or life of my own and I was enjoying it. Then I found out I was pregnant and I was happy, I didnt know why but I was over the moon but then.. i wasnt.. then i spent a good 2 weeks or longer crying because i wasnt sure i wanted this, at times I was really sure I didnt. It made me feel terrible.. but I opened up to my person and they said anything I wanted to do was fine and also shared their experiences and talked to me about how not to be so hard on myself and it allowed me to move forward. Not everyday do I feel excited and happy and connected perfectly but I have less and less of those days I dont and I know when I dont it's ok to voice what I'm thinking, so I'm proud of you for voicing it and I hope doing it and having your bunny bring you love and peace

1 reply

2 years ago

Thank you 😊

2 years ago

I always thought that pregnancy was a happy period for women , but i found out that it can be a difficult and painful journey Don’t worry , once you will have your baby in your arms , you will be the happiest mum on earth ❤️

1 reply

2 years ago

Thank you 😊

2 years ago

I love this! Thank you for being vulnerable and honest about the struggles of pregnancy. I'm 11 weeks and don't feel like I'm bonding either. Part of it is because I've had multiple miscarriages and I'm scared of getting too attached. I'm hoping that once I'm in my second trimester and everything looks good, I'll be able to bond. But it's nice to know that I'm not alone. ❤️

1 reply

2 years ago

Thank you 😊

2 years ago

Well done you for owning it and putting it in black and white. No one should judge how you're feeling, emotions are tough! I was the same, I was excited and loved being pregnant but never really thought much beyond that. I didn't have that 'moment' that so many Mums speak about when they see their baby for the first time, I struggled. Now though i love my little boy more than life itself, a love I just simply can't describe. Whatever you are feeling, whenever you are feeling it - it's okay! It is normal to worry during pregnancy. Xx

1 reply

2 years ago

Thank you 😊

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