Being brave and opening up... Pregnancy after loss.

This post is taking a lot of guts (and tears) to write. This post is about being brave and opening up. This little bunny is one of the MOST important things to me right now. Sure it's cute, soft and has a cute little pink nose but more important than that, it has the recording of my little unborn baby girls heartbeat inside. We didn't get it as a "just because", we got it because (and trust me this is hard to say) I'm struggling to bond with my pregnancy and our little one. It's not because I don't want her or love her, because every part of me already does. Maybe it's because I don't think I've really had any proper cravings, or because I don't have my bump yet, or maybe because my placenta is at the front so I barely feel any movements. Therefore it still feels like I'm not actually pregnant. I have days where I'm so excited about it and talk to her and rub my tummy. But there are also my struggle days. And these days are where I'm absolutely convinced that something is wrong or going to go wrong and that's all I can think about. And because of past experiences and times where the people who should of been there for me turned their backs on me, I then ended up building a wall, a barrier with anyone who tried to get close to me. Because what's the point? I'll just get hurt again anyway. And unfortunately I think this has followed through to my pregnancy. Maybe I'm subconsciously putting up a barrier just incase something goes wrong so it won't be such a long fall. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes that news of a new little baby on its way can be one of the most amazing things ever to happen in your life 💕 but don't forget for some people it can also be overwhelming, scary. We judge ourselves, feel guilty, frustrated, angry that we're feeling this way and don't understand why. But that doesn't mean that we don't/won't love our baby. It just means that maybe something happened in the past that the pregnancy has triggered again. So anyway, for me while I'm trying to work this out, whenever I'm feeling unsure that everything is OK or feeling a little detached, I reach for my new current best friend, hold it close and play that heartbeat while rubbing my tummy 🥰 and yes, just incase anyone's wondering my midwife is aware 😊

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Well done for speaking out! Pregnancy and motherhood is different for everyone! And if that little bunny is helping you through, that’s just beautiful! We had a heartbeat beat done when I was pregnant (tough pregnancy with high risk) my son is 1 year old and it melts me when he plays with the bear and can hear his heartbeat from when he was in my tummy. I hope in a few months time, that is something you can enjoy too xx

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Thank you 😊xx

This took some guts to write. I completely understand how you're feeling I went through the same whilst pregnant with my little boy. I didn't feel a connection in anyway. I barely spoke to him but like you said I was putting up a shield so it didn't happen, I had three miscarriages before him and so it was very hard to feel like something wasn't going to go wrong. He's now 3 months old and I love him more and more every single day. You'll get there, even if it takes untill your little girl is born 💜

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Thank you 😊

And this is the fear of every new mother. I never even considered it until a couple of weeks ago where I said to my hubby.. if it’s a girl I’m going to really struggle to bond with her, if it’s a boy I feel I’ll be ok. I’m a great believer in looking back and figuring out why this might be the case. For me I’ve worked it out, for you it’s obviously not that easy. For me, as a child I had a mixed upbringing, my mum and dad divorced, dad never particularly looked after me well, put my life at risk which would now be a safeguarding issue and never paid for me. As a result as a child I was withdrawn and quiet, prone to bullying at schools and always the one people pointed and laughed at because I had bags under my eyes. I was called baggy, pushed down the stairs from top to bottom, lost consciousness and ignored, had friends who I thought were true and they seriously weren’t! All turned to drugs and alcohol. Me and mum have always had a fantastic bond but the impact that had on me...

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...Made me a better and stronger person. I’ve now become myself but even now I still struggle with my past. This has now made me feel that if I have a girl, I don’t want her to be bitched about, I don’t want her bullied, I don’t want her getting involved with the wrong crowd and easily led, I want her to be friends with boys who will make her stronger and just tell her how it is. I don’t want her to go through puberty, slashing make up all over the place and being withdrawn. I want her to have a really close bond, friendships and for a boy, my husbands upbringing was everything I would like a son to have ♥️ Well done for speaking out

Thank you 😊

I dont think that you should feel bad about feeling the way you do. I was so excited about my first pregnancy, but this time I dont feel anything of that. I have planned my life for 7 years ahead of me, leaving a gap for my second child to be born, but that is it. No special plans about baby nr2 although my first daughter was the centre of my life for years- private education for her, all of the classes available, everything the best, most of my time, I mean everything I could give she got. This time- i dont even feel guilty that I dont want to do all of the things that i did with my youngest. I have no doubts that you will feel the right connection with your baby after you will hold her in your arms, but there is no reason to judge yourself that you dont feel it already. 🐥

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Thank you 😊

That was truly beautiful and brave! I commend you for sharing. I'm sure you'll feel much better and anxiety will die down once your precious little one is born. It's okay if you don't connect right away. Take your time, love yourself and that baby! 🥰❤

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Thank you 😊

Thank you for sharing. I had problems connecting for my babies too. After 5 years of ttc, I had emotionally detached from everything baby related. It took almost a year to feel really connected to my babies. They are 4.5 yrs now, and so amazing and bring me so much joy. Don’t push yourself, you are doing the right things. It can just take time.

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Thank you 😊

Well done you for owning it and putting it in black and white. No one should judge how you're feeling, emotions are tough! I was the same, I was excited and loved being pregnant but never really thought much beyond that. I didn't have that 'moment' that so many Mums speak about when they see their baby for the first time, I struggled. Now though i love my little boy more than life itself, a love I just simply can't describe. Whatever you are feeling, whenever you are feeling it - it's okay! It is normal to worry during pregnancy. Xx

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Thank you 😊

I love this! Thank you for being vulnerable and honest about the struggles of pregnancy. I'm 11 weeks and don't feel like I'm bonding either. Part of it is because I've had multiple miscarriages and I'm scared of getting too attached. I'm hoping that once I'm in my second trimester and everything looks good, I'll be able to bond. But it's nice to know that I'm not alone. ❤️

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Thank you 😊

I always thought that pregnancy was a happy period for women , but i found out that it can be a difficult and painful journey Don’t worry , once you will have your baby in your arms , you will be the happiest mum on earth ❤️

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Thank you 😊

My baby was a surprise, I was told I wouldnt get pregnant and at that time I had accepted that and was even a little thankful because due to my past I had never had any freedom or life of my own and I was enjoying it. Then I found out I was pregnant and I was happy, I didnt know why but I was over the moon but then.. i wasnt.. then i spent a good 2 weeks or longer crying because i wasnt sure i wanted this, at times I was really sure I didnt. It made me feel terrible.. but I opened up to my person and they said anything I wanted to do was fine and also shared their experiences and talked to me about how not to be so hard on myself and it allowed me to move forward. Not everyday do I feel excited and happy and connected perfectly but I have less and less of those days I dont and I know when I dont it's ok to voice what I'm thinking, so I'm proud of you for voicing it and I hope doing it and having your bunny bring you love and peace

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Thank you 😊

I too felt like this with my 3rd who is currently hanging off my boob and I can’t stop smiling at him and kissing him. I don’t think I ever spoke to him, sung, read stories or rubbed my bump. This is because when I was pregnant with my 2nd everyone basically thought I should get rid because I was 33 with a 13yr old and how dare I get pregnant and how will I cope, dad wasn’t in the picture the whole journey was horrible I did not enjoy it one bit. So 9mths later when it came to my 3rd I didn’t even tell anyone I was pregnant I really wanted to enjoy the journey but dad wanted me to get rid from the get go made it clear he wanted no part, so again I was down and alone throughout even during giving birth. When I had him I didn’t even want to hold him. It wasn’t until later that day when he cried for his next feed and I learnt his little cry and I held him, only then did I really bond with him. Now 15mths later he’s just as attached to my hip as my other son. You are not alone mama.xxx

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Please feel free to reach out to me anytime you want hun.xx

Thank you 😊

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