Has anyone else mourn their dream birth? And how did you over come the guilt and shaming on oneself.?
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Hello. Certified psychotherapist here! Validate the grief you feel. Also, some cognitive therapy approaches may be helpful. This includes taking a look at your values and expectations and reframing some of the negative thoughts you may be having. Also treat yourself with compassion!.I recommend Dr. Kristin Neffs work on Mindful Self Compassion. Best wishes to you and congratulations on being a mama 💕
I never really had a dream birth I guess. It was more of a nightmare and how and what I would what to do to make it better. I always wanted a natural water birth. But all my doctors wouldn't let me do a water birth. And even with my last now they won't which sucks.
I understand completely but give you self some grace the fact that you were able to give birthday to a beautiful baby is so much of an accomplishment within itself. God knew exactly how the pregnancy would go and I'm sure God is proud of your efforts. Don't beat yourself up thinking of what should have been. Believe in yourself anyway because you are already a shero for having the baby.
I had an unplanned c section 4.5 years ago...I'd wanted a holistic and natural birth but unfortunately things didn't go to plan. I did use hypnobirthing which was amazing however and got me to over 20 hours with my tens machine alone despite intense surges / contractions. My birth trauma stemmed initially from the neglect / lack of empathy with some staff and just being on the ward so long postpartum, as well as when being given the anaesthetic for surgery it brought flashbacks of being drugged with a date rape drug on a night out years ago. I definitely felt sadness I'd been robbed of the birth I wanted. I ended up training as a Hypnobirthing teacher and 3 step rewind trauma and phobia release practitioner specialising in birth trauma as I wanted to offer mums support I would have massive benefitted from. I do think that having trauma and grief support provided to mums following birth should be something we all get (I'm in the UK), unfortunately its not on offer and mums have to seek out support privately.
I had planned for a water birth at a birth center. Unfortunately, I ended up waiting too long. There was no way I was going to be able to sit in the car for 30ish minutes. I had to settle for an unmedicated hospital birth. No doula. No birth photographer. I basically had the birth that I was trying to avoid. To make matters worse, I ended up giving birth at the same hospital where I was treated poorly, as I was experiencing severe symptoms from my miscarriage. What helped me heal/ come to terms with what occurred, was talking it out with a person who specializes in traumatic births. I hope this helps. Stay strong, mama. 🫶🏽
Husband and I had everything planned out for when baby girl was born. I did not want an epidural but ended up getting one. Almost lost baby girl due to neglect. I did not get the fairy tale birth I dreamt off . Instead I got trauma I still deal with till today. I did not get to see or hold my baby for a couple of hours after birth. I blame myself and cry till today. She is 13 months and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I had hoped to give birth without an epidural if possible, but ended up giving in and getting it. Ultimately needed a C-section. No grief at all. Just happy my baby turned out ok. Wish I had done a little more preparation, but since I didn't have my heart set on a particular birth plan there was nothing to grieve. I am kind of sad that I didn't get to see my son be born (they put a sheet up, plus I was so tired from pushing that I passed out). And there was a little bit of a disconnect in the beginning - are you sure it's the right baby? I wish my memories of our first hour together were sharper. If I have a second I may opt for a scheduled C section so I don't tire myself out pushing just to be cut open again. Hopefully then I will be more alert the first hour.
Firstly, you did amazing ok!! I somewhat feel you, I had experienced something similar too. Planned a natural birth, did hynobirth, but I contracted covid at 37 weeks. I had it really bad with severe cough which impacted my breathing techniches that I learnt from the hypnobirting course 😞I eventually gave in to epidural. I was sad and down at firth but I quickly realised the choices I made were what was best for baby and I. I was tired, laboured for 37 hours (even induced when things were not progressing) so now I don’t feel so down. Just think you baby is here now safely with you and you tried your best! Your best was THE BEST! Also it’s normal to feel like this! Sending positivities your way💝
You’re amazing and did so well 💪🏻 I’m so sorry 😞 I can totally relate. I was induced at 41+6 and nothing really worked then they broke my waters. 8 hours after nothing was happening (I only got to 3cm) and I was getting back to back contractions. I had an epi to try and regulate them. Then bub went into the destress and had an emergency C-section under general anaesthetic. So sad I never go to see my bub born and that he came into this world without meeting mum and dad right away. I’m seeing a therapist to help with how I feel about this. I hope this helps you not feel so alone ❤️❤️
Sorry to hear that. I went through the same experience the first couple of months posportam. What made it worse for me, is that I even had a difficult recovery from the surgical pain. Once I was referred to PT, the pain went away,and I also stopped ruminating about my birth plan. For my case, I dilated fully, but the treatment team felt my labor wasn't progressing and they decided quickly to do csection. I felt like my voice wasn't heard, or that they wd have given me more time. But I was glad my son was healthy. And am grateful the pain is gone too.
I totally understand your position and just want you to know you are HEARD! I read about the domino of interventions in the hospital and helplessly watched myself go through a textbook series of interventions that started with premature rupture of membranes and ultimately led to an emergency c section. I am 15 months PP and still cant talk about it without getting upset. I am sorry you are going through this too. I wish there was more dialogue about this, and support for post partum moms.
I think you should be less hard on yourself. Natural labor is REALLY difficult. I tried to do it with hypnoses, but I only made it to 6 cm. The goal of birth is to have a baby. If your baby is healthy then that’s a blessing! Nothing else is really THAT important, I think.
I wanted an unmedicated water birth. I ended up having to be induced and that not working ended up having an emergency csection 7mpp I still feel sad about it! I think its normal! Our babies are here and safe and that's all that matters! 💜
I gave birth to my daughter nine years ago and I still think about my birth story and legit NONE of it went as planned. I wonder what if anything I could’ve done differently and why I wasn’t able to have any of it go the way I had hoped. It gets easier over time. Show yourself some grace. I think there will always be those what ifs. I know that my birth story is the only one I will have and that’s hard to digest too. I don’t get a do over so to speak. BUT be kind to yourself. We may not know the reasons why but it’s part of who we are. Also, not sure if this eases your mind but I did pitocin. It did not help. In fact I firmly believe it made it worse.
I had an unmedicated vaginal birth with my first son and I wanted nothing more but the same for my second son. We found out during my pregnancy that he was breech so the doctors were telling me to consider a C-section. I tried all the natural things to get him to flip on his own. I went to the chiropractor, I looked up everything I could and tried it. More ultrasounds and we found out baby was tangled in the cord, in fact I'm it was wrapped around his neck twice. I had to grieve the loss of my birth plan because it would have been terrible to try unmedicated vaginal birth with this situation. I had to have a scheduled C-section. I cried so much. But I realized that I was going to have a healthy baby to hold. He was born January 1st and he is perfect! It is hard when you have a plan and it goes sideways but you need to focus on the beautiful baby you get to hold and love. Everyone and every baby is different. We all get a different story. Just love on that sweet baby and know that you did what was right.n
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It is absolutely grief that many of us experience as well as trauma....unfortunately there isn't much in the way of grief support and counselling for births that didn't go to plan. I've almost got those feelings to settle 4 years on, but they gnaw at me. I'm sorry you're going through this too. xxxx
Completely get this I’m 22 and had my baby girl in June I was in l out for 24 hours had all the drug options given to me and to the the epidural 4 times and for it to not work, was a traumatic time for me and ended in a emergency c section as we were both at risk, I’ve struggled and still struggle 6 months down the line but honestly there is nothing we can do everyone I know we’ve all had different experiences. Everyone’s body’s are different and react differently to giving birth. All we can do is focus on the good and cherish out baby’s, focus on what you have now with you, don’t worry about the past or future pregnancy’s. The next baby will be a new experience and can go a comeoleteku different way for you. Just know you did yourself good and never say otherwise we all did great not matter how our baby’s got here x
You did so well! Congratulate yourself and allow yourself to feel the joy in what you did accomplish. I had a similar experience and was at 8 cm forever and eventually took the epi for the last few hours to save energy to push (2.5 hrs). It’s normal to think about it and wonder what if but what’s key is that you achieved something amazing. Also you felt the best of both worlds. The contractions n dilation + the relaxation with the epi. Be grateful to God that there was No emergency and everything was normal. Nothing should take away from you being an amazing mother who went through childbirth. That’s a miracle alone. Shift your focus on the baby and see what you both achieved together!! You both did it!! (Also with the epi they usually give you some pitocin anyway) you taking the epi was probably smart. Otherwise u or baby could’ve been distressed n tired and that could have lead to complications. God actually helped u make the perfect choice for u n baby at the right time :)
Wanted unmedicated natural vaginal births with midwives and got two emergency csections. I spent two years grieving over how my birth plan didn’t pan out my first birth and finally came to term with it my second since I changed every variable to increase the likely hood of a VBAC and still had a csection. The common denominator was me. Both my children were OP and my pelvic bone is shaped in a way that they wouldn’t come out even after flipping them several times and using a vacuum. I lived in a developing country where I knew women died during childbirth so am grateful I have this kind of medical care available to me. With that said I also think it’s valid to grieve over your birth.
Terrible typing sorry texting with one hand while breastfeeding
I wanted a home birth uneducated ... ended up in hospital with c section. Wated a gentle c section and I didntveven feel up to holding my little girl at the begging because of I had shaking so much with the drugs. All of this made me feel guilty but my midwives (I had a student as well ) helped me see that even if my experience was not what I wanted it was beautiful in its own way. The time hi i didn't spend with my little one she spent it with her daddy and it was an important bonding time for them and my baby girl was calm. Reframing the experience, finding shovel linings was so important for me. In your case I would focus in all the work you actually did without an epidural. And I would congratulate yourself for honouring your needs when you actually needed one. There is no ideal birth, medication does not take power away from you. Your choice was brave and it was yours. I believe hard experiences like these have something to teach us. For me it was a lesson in acceptance and humility.
I am 5 months postpartum and I’m still struggling to get over my birth. I also planned a natural un-medicated birth but the doctor scared me into being induced because she said my baby was going to be too big to birth and all that ended up being a lie
I’m dealing with very similar feelings, I’m 9 months pp and still questioning my birth almost every day. My son was born sunny side up and face presentation - I pushed for 5 hours and delivered vaginally, but his face was so swollen and he was having a hard time breathing, it sent him immediately into the NICU for 6 days. I dreamt of them putting him on my chest and spending the golden hour with him but instead he was immediately whisked away and I barely saw him for a week. Because of Covid, the NICU policy only allowed one parent at a time so I was alone crying wishing I had a c section, that maybe this could’ve all been avoided. It was terrifying, sad, and frustrating… even though so many of my questions have been answered, I still day dream that things went different. I see a therapist weekly and I take medication under a psychiatrist. My son is happy and healthy! I’m here still questioning things. You’re not alone!!
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My daughter was sunny side up also. I pushed for 3 1/2 hours and the nurses said I was making progress. When the OB came in, the nurses said there was no progress. I had to do a c section. I got infections after my c section and got admitted for almost a month after my daughter being born. It could’ve been prevented. My daughter was sent to the NICU as well because she wasn’t breathing when she came out.😭
i had my girl a month early, so it was super unplanned lol,my pregnancy with her was rocky and rough, when it came to my normal dr visit with my ob, that same appoitment he told me i needed to be induced that day, i was 35+6 days, he didnt ket me go home to go get clothing my hubby had to go get everything lol, i did get induced that night i wanted a natural birth but my dear daughter started giving problems again and they had told me i may need a c section so i should get an epidural as a just in case, which i did in the end, and i didnt need a csection either lol, which is great, but i dont think i ever got sad or anything how my birrh plan ended up being, just cause she was just aproblem pregnancy from the start that it didnt really phase me at that point lol, but its okay to feel how you want, but not everything goes to plan which is also okay too
I wanted a natural water birth. It was my first baby but second pregnancy so I knew what contractions were like and knew I could handle it. We ended up having complications and I had to stay in the bed in a specific position so I couldn't get comfortable as well as being on my own. I had a midwife holding my hand but there wasn't really anyone to talk to so my mind was only on the pain. It wasn't as bad as my first experience but definitely not what I wanted. Seeing other people's births sometimes makes me jealous. I just hope the next one is born out of the pandemic at the very least. Having someone there will be an improvement, water birth is ideal but the bar is low now 😅
Don’t be so hard on yourself! There isn’t one way that every child comes into this world and things never go as expected during labour. It doesn’t make you any less strong! Just remember you DID get to finish line…you got to hold your sweet baby in your arms and created that life inside you. You brought that baby into this world and that is still incredible. In life nothing goes according to plan but it’s the way we deal with things that’s most important. There is no shame in having an epidural or C section. It makes zero difference to the health and happiness of your children. Think of it this way when you walk down the street can you tell which child was delivered naturally or with the aid of painkillers/C sections! You’ve done a great job mama be proud x
I planned an unmedicated homebirth/waterbirth for both my pregnancies and ended up with an emergency c-section for both. Ironically It took me over a year to stop beating myself up about the first birth experience and there were times I would still get emotional about it after that. The second one I got over a little easier but I still question if whether or not I want to have one more child and if my birth experiences are impacting my decision. It takes time to heal, but flood your mind and self talk with positivity about how determined you were to do the very best you could and in the end you have a baby that is here and that’s safe.
Wow, thought I was the only one that mourned birth not going as planned. Thanks for all your stories ladies. Wanted a natural birth, got an emergency c section so same for me.
Honestly my third's birth made me so angry I almost didn't want another kid ever! First off I got a male doctor I didn't want and then he cut me after telling them I didn't want it (it left me for 4 years with lasting pain) and after having my daughter I was in a room with 3 other mothers and the nurse refused to hold my daughter so I could use the washroom. I didn't want her screaming and everytime I put her down she screamed. 3 other mothers and babies were trying to sleep. I wasn't even in the hospital for 24 hours before leaving because I didn't want to be there. My fourth was born was a little better. I had a tare pretty much where I had been cut and it healed better then being cut and I got a room by myself. It was better...
I wanted an an unmedicated natural birth and ended up with a c-section from my daughter being breech. I just told myself I will let things play out as they may, because what matters more is that my daughter is here vs me not having my ideal birth. I still sometimes feel guilt about it, and that is normal, but just know the way it happened is how it was meant to be.
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My experience was so traumatic that we’re fighting the hospital over it
I and soooo many other women relate 💕 There's a whole field of birth trauma psychotherapy -- I'm seeing a therapist for the same feelings as you, as we had an emergency c-section. I am finding a lot of healing in other birth stories with women I trust to hold space for me to cry. My greatest solace: birth is real. It's bloody, hard, challenging and imperfect. It's earthy. Your role is to move with the birth. Just like you can't control nature, you cannot control birth. The beauty is when you respond to the flow of it. It will not always go to plan. Just like being compromising and compassionate in parenting, birth is the ultimate preparation for how you can respond and change and show up how you NEED and not how you necessarily want. Choosing to heal and integrate your experience is your challenge now, and this is a gift of self-birth too 💛 happy to share some therapist names and books.
Yes! First pregnancy: my twins were born at 29 weeks, and while I delivered naturally (vaginally), which I was happy about, clearly they were very preemie and stayed in NICU for 7 weeks. It’s definitely gotten better with time but at one pt I was beating myself up for not resting, for walking too much, for not knowing, for giving them that type of beginning... My second pregnancy I went to 39.5 weeks and was induced. As I was progressing very slowly, and was in immense amount of pain, it resulted in a csection. It was (still is) very touch on me, emotionally, though I would say it has gotten slightly better (baby 8 months now). I say all the positive affirmations to myself, yet every now and then, it still hurts (like when I look at my scar).
I too had planned for a natural unmedicated birth but my baby was breech since 32 weeks. I spent those last weeks doing everything I could to get her to turn over (chiropractic, moxibustion sticks, Spinning Babies, squats, etc) but no luck. The night before my scheduled c-section my water broke but she was still head up so I had the c-section anyway. Now 10 weeks pp and its still difficult to get over but I'm just glad she made it out healthy and safe.
Yes I was newly 40 weeks pregnant and I slipped and broke my ankle ended up having to be induced a week later I wanted a water birth which there was no way that was going to happen I was bed bound the whole time and in so much pain,he’s nearly 4 months old and I’m in a moon boot awaiting surgery to remove my screws 😔
Don’t feel bad! I had an unexpected c section and I was super devastated. I planned on having a natural vaginal birth and had no issues my entire pregnancy. But when I arrived at the hospital I developed a fever and my baby’s heart rate was too high so I had a c section. Because of my fever, the hospital thought I had covid so my bf wasn’t allowed in the operating room. I still think about my labor and delivery and I’m 3 months postpartum.
Yes I wanted to have a water birth as this is my third baby so it mamight be my last and I ended up falling and breaking my ankle 3 days before my due date,I had to be induced 4 days after my due date and had to have surgery two days after he was born I’ve now been in a cast for 6 weeks 😌
I cant comment too much on birth as I am pregnant with my first but I just wanted to comment on the "I really wanted to believe in myself part". There is no part of your story which doesn't show strength and resilience as a pregnant woman and new mum! I know I haven't experience post-partum, but I suffer with anxiety and depression so know a little bit about how badly our brains can treat us. And I just wanted to be one of the people who made sure you knew that you had every right to believe in yourself and still should. You didn't walk through anything, you smashed through it all like a strong mama!
Yup i did for the longest time and i have hope the next one will be different but also still going to prepare for another premie
I also experienced a traumatizing birth experience. I was in labor for 3 days. My daughter was induced and I wouldn’t dilate. I was VERY SLOWLY dilating and they maxed out the pitocin, they gave me epidural when I was dilated at a 2. When I was dilated at a 5 they had to break my water for me bc it didn’t on its own. They thought it would help make me dilated faster but it didn’t do anything at all and they had to insert a catheter to put water back into the sac to prevent the baby from infection.. almost a day later i was able to dilate to 10 with the epidural maxed at the most they could give& still feeling contractions through the epidural. When they checked to see if i was ready to push they said the baby never dropped into position. I had my daughter from emergency c-section after basically going through everything you would leading up to time to push like a normal birth. I felt like I experienced both ways of giving birth.
I to had a hard time coming to terms with both my experiences. I had and emergency caesarean and that was not my plan. I wanted to have a water birth with candles and soft Beyoncé playing in the back round and none of that happened. My second I had some request come true but still did not plan and emergency caesarean. I wouldn’t say I’m over it because I watch my sister have her baby vaginally without complications and I felt happy for her but disappointed in my own experience. I can only say that I’ve learned to be happy that both of my daughters where healthy in the end.
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Be gentle with yourself mama you’ve done your best. -K
Don't be so hard on yourself. I bet most births don't go according to plan... I know mine didn't! If there's anything I learned from motherhood (and life in general) is to embrace the unexpected! Your little one arrived safely and healthy, that's all that matters! ♥️
I mourn it too. Had emergency c section at 29 weeks. Just glad he survived after two months in hospital 🏥
A lot of the time, the hospital staff (i.e. doctors, really) tend to apply pressure on those wanting to experience a natural birth by saying things like “we must induce or the baby will have an infection”. When you are physically and mentally drained and have staff breathing down your neck about intervention methods, it’s hard to say no. So we ultimately give in to Pitocin and Epidural. It’s tough when the birth plan doesn’t pan out (mine started out all natural and then the doctors essentially strong armed me to induce), but what is more important is that the baby is healthy, regardless of how the baby arrived. Don’t beat yourself up and be grateful for a healthy and happy newborn.
Yes I did for a long time. I felt like a victim and so frustrated with my body. I had such a long induction and a labor that refused to progress or get started and I was 3cm for 3 and a half days on rounds and rounds of Pitocin, no progress from the ripening agent, balloon, & peanut ball. Then they broke my water as a last-ditch effort to kickstart things and within a couple hours I went from a 3 to a 9.5. That was the WORST PAIN OF MY LIFE. Then two and a half hours of pushing and my son had to be rushed off to the NICU after some breathing assistance in the room. My husband went with him and I felt for so long like I missed out on critical bonding, I struggled so hard with feeding and getting milk to come in right away and for two months felt like I was robbed of my big moment. But after mourning how it happened for months I finally had the though that some moms don’t get to bring their babies home and here is my son in my arms, and finally changed my outlook & helped my depression
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But that’s not to say anyone’s mourning isn’t valid. It’s just the turning point for me and how I got out of the mentality I was stuck in. It was something I needed to mourn in order to let go of.
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My birth went to plan other than having my midwife break my water because it wasn’t progressing. Don’t feel bad! You were in pain and offered a way for the pain to stop. Its normal to want to end the pain if you can. I was at a birth center so there were literally no options for medications but I can’t say I 100% would say no if I was offered it while in so much pain. Also picotin would have probably made it SO much worse you would need that epidural. You made it so far dealing with the pain all the way to 9 1/2, be proud of yourself for that!! That is way farther than most people make it. It does not mean you need to be more faithful or pray more. You are strong! You brought your baby into this world! Enjoy your lovely little baby❤️ They will only be tiny for a short time so just take in every second and try not to waste it regretting things that can’t be changed.
It's easy to have really high expectations about birth, and therefore really easy for those dreams to be crushed. I went into it with very few expectations-- I only wanted an epidural and total privacy during the birth. As it turned out, I had an unmedicated birth because my baby came out super fast (umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, so fortunately it was fast otherwise it would have been an emergency c section). I'm just grateful he was healthy, in that regard. For me, the hard part was post partum depression. I felt so connected to my baby while pregnant, but he felt like a stranger when I finally saw him. It was the strangest feeling. It took a lot of therapy to finally see him as my son, and I'm so thankful I do. I didn't think it would be an issue, but life surprises you. What's important is you allow yourself to grieve what you wanted but never got, but also accept it was never destined for you in the first place. We want control during important moments but it's ok if we lose it sometimes.
I relate completely. I also made it to 9.5cm dilated over a 3 day Labour without any pain relief. Then a cervical lip meant I had to undergo an emergency csection. My dream of a totally natural, unmedicated home birth turned into a 4 day hospital stay with anti biopics and a blood transfusion thrown into the mix! Also, due to Covid, my partner couldn’t visit me on the ward. It disturbed me for a few months I must say, I felt really pressured by some of the hospital staff and also feel like I wasn’t able to advocate for myself. It’s a vulnerable place to be. I have written about it, it’s helped me process it and mourn the loss of the dream birth I wanted. I’ve also put some feedback together which I’m planning on sending to the hospital soon, I think it’s important they have some feedback on certain things. Sorry to hear that so many women here seem to have had similar experiences, it’s an overwhelming and scary time. Xxx
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Also, I’d like to add though I agree we’re lucky that our babies are here and healthy like a lot of people are saying - it isn’t enough just to keep reminding yourself that if your experience is truly bothering you. Process it so that it doesn’t become a bigger problem. x
Yes. Ended up having a c section because he was supposed to be over 10lbs and he came out 8lb 7oz. I was a little sad but at the end of the day he got here safe and healthy and who knows, I could have tried to birth him and gotten him stuck or ended up with an emergency c section anyway. Every birth is good and valid. I reminded myself that I made the choice to get him here safely and that took priority over my ideal. I'm ok with it now but I will try natural next time.
Could have been worse- 72- hour labor and epidural followed by emergency c-section! Count your blessings that you had a healthy birth- that’s how I get through those memories.
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I also agree it’s good to cry- I certainly did. But gratitude these days can also be helpful. I’ve had a lot of friends and family members go through miscarriages and still births and it really puts things in perspective for me.
@Breanna Ugh I’m sorry! Why don’t they tell us birth can be traumatic for a lot of women? Nothing could’ve prepared me though. I also got an infection- it manifested in my shoulder joint 2 weeks postpartum and was SO painful I couldn’t use my arm whatsoever. Docs and nurses told me my symptoms were “normal” for a new mom. I didn’t have a fever or anything. Fast forward SIX weeks, and I’m in the ER having emergency surgery and then hospitalized until they could figure out what it was. Turned out being Group B Strep… which I tested negative for before giving birth. So much for the golden hour, or the 4th trimester, or literally anything you’re told when you’re pregnant