S on Peanut: Not what I expected....

S · 2020-12-24T14:41Z

I had the perfect pregnancy... never even nauseous.... then after a traumatic 37hr natural labor. My baby girl was born not breathing (meconium aspiration) she was immediately taken from me to go to the NICU for 5 weeks on a ventilator, we didn’t know if she was going to make it for a little while. Then she had to come home with a G Tube and that came with a lot of baggage. I’m beyond grateful that God got her through it and she’s now home, healthy and amazing! But I sometimes grieve for all the things I missed out on and it makes me feel guilty. Not being able to hold her when she was born for a week, my husband not cutting the cord, no newborn pictures (other than in the hospital with tubes all over her), her being drugged unconscious for over a week, living with her in a hospital room the whole time, not being able to show her off because of COVID.... I’m definitely blessed to have her at all but all the excitement of a new born just fell by the way side and it makes me sad, not to mention terrified of having another baby 😔 I will say though she is amazing and worth the wait!