It's been 2 weeks since I gave birth to this little fella and although I love him dearly, I get angry with him every 3-4 hours. He doesn't latch very well when we try to breastfeed. It's not just his fault, I have funny nipples that don't seem to poke out enough for him to get far enough in his mouth to suck. I've tried everything, nipple shields, pumps, expressing, weird positions. Nothing seems to work and I get furious every time I try.
So we formula feed. Every time I look at him with a bottle in his mouth my heart sinks and I'm reminded of what a failure I am, that I can't do the most instinctive motherly thing, feed my baby. I try to pass him off to my husband but he complains that he always does it. I've been told by the midwife to offer the boob at every feed before giving him a bottle and I can honestly say that maybe 2 out of 10 times he has stayed there long enough to stop crying and screaming for food, although hes not actually getting anything and we still have to give him 3 ounces of formula after to keep him fed.
I've been referred to a lactation specialist but they're only doing consults over zoom. How are you supposed to show your babys latch over zoom? I'll have to have my husband be camera man and move my phone over my shoulder for them to see what's going on.
But the question going forward is, where do I draw the line?
Do I carry on this painful, heartbreaking journey? Or do I give up and just accept that I will never be good enough to feed him the way I'm supposed to?
If I let my milk supple dry up will I regret it months down the line? If I carry on pumping the 4 oz I get in a day in hopes to increase/keep a milk supply, will I ever be able to leave the house in fear of missing a pump?
I hate this! I thought that breastfeeding would be a breeze and my baby would love me and I would love him because we have this unbreakable bond that breastfeeding has given us. But I can't even bond with my baby because I'm full of resentment.
When do I give up?
Will I be happy with my choice?
And if I don't, when do things get better?