My husband threw a drawer and broke it while angry.

I mean he didn’t hurt you. He took his anger out on the drawer so i wouldn’t worry about that but would really be concerned that he hates the house & isn’t happy ever & threw divorce in there. That stuff is serious, so it sounds like he’s been stressed & unhappy about home life in some way for a while & needs to talk about it before flipping out. My husband will also throw things when overly stressed & sleep deprived but maybe learned his lesson last time when he threw his phone on the ground in anger & had to shove over a few hundred to get it fixed plus buy a temporary phone.

Would you be ok with your child doing this same thing?

I think seeing a therapist would be really good for him, though I appreciate you suggesting it might be a difficult conversation.

All because you made a mildly critical comment about his DIY? It strikes me as very telling that after making that comment you felt compelled to go and apologise to him. You’re obviously walking on eggshells, terrified of saying the wrong thing that will cause him to explode. This isn’t normal or healthy. Honestly, I’d say you need to get away from him before you end up in the trajectory path of the next flying drawer. But at the very least, this man needs anger management therapy.

There's nothing for you to do. He vented his frustration & your part was to give his the freedom to get vulnerable without consequence. I'm sure the talk of divorce was in the heat of the moment. He needs to work out what's making him unhappy and what would make him happy & you might experience a few more meltdowns before he figures himself out. Don't take it personally.

My only concern is that at least in my State, if someone breaks anything during a fight it is considered domestic violence. Just keep that in mind. It's an intimidation tactic used to manipulate and scare you.

@Holli That's a stretch. It can be used for that but most of the time it's just blowing off steam

@Andrea What seems implied by your question is that you should address him the same way you would a child... which is so wrong on so many levels and terrible advice. The way you would address a child who did that varies from one parenting style to the next, but I trust the best way to approach it is to send the child to their room for x minutes of timeout until you come to talk to them. You'd then go to the child and try to get them to talk about what they were feeling when they did that. Finally you'd choose a consequence that is fair and tolerable to the child, so that they don't feel terribly punished after that exercise, but they still have to follow through with something as a consequence. Your partner is not your child and it is not your job to fix him. You are not his mother. If the meltdown is causing you too much emotional distress or crosses a boundary you could disengage & try to come back to the conversation more calm & collectively, but after that you don't give your grown man a consequence

He sounds like he was frustrated. He'll calm down, and when he does, ask him if he wants to get a punch bag or something to release some stress rather than break stuff. 45 mins is a long commute. Does he drive? Tell him to listen to something enjoyable, like a podcast or music or something to relieve stress of commuting, especially in traffic. When he calms down, ask him why does he feel like nothing makes him happy. Does he do anything that fulfills him after work? A hobby? And why would he want to leave you? Ask if you do something unintentionally that annoys him or something that you can change that he's shy to tell you about that he bottles in. It sucks doing the day in and day out, work come home work on the house, work again, etc. The day to day of life is so mundane and boring.

Maybe couples therapy?

The best thing is to avoid looking for a solution. Think of when you just want to vent. Do you want your husband to just shut up and listen, or do you want to hear all his ideas on how to "fix" you or your problem. His meltdown is just a man's vent in its most vulnerable state. The destruction involved is his masculinity demanding attention which usually happens when a man hasn't been feeling masculine enough, which usually happens when there's a perception that the woman in his life has "stepped up" where he should have. All the solutions you or anybody in this thread could think of, is just going to make it worse, because he does not want to be fixed, least of all, if that makes his wife the "fixer". Don't take any action. What happened happened & you had an opportunity to learn where your husbands mentality is at right now. All he needs is compassion

Do you feel unsafe?

I don’t understand why so many people are saying this is ok or understandable? You immediately felt like you had to apologise or you’d fucked up when you made one little comment (after praising him), and then he destroyed YOUR property in a fit of rage when you were apologising. He sounds toxic as fuck and there’s lots of red flags that need addressing.

I’ve just looked at some of your other posts and the guy is an abusive asshole and you should take your kid and leave, for real. I’m sorry this is happening to you x

I’ve also read back through your other posts and I agree that you’re married to an abusive asshole. He’s never going to change. He’s got you thinking it’s all your fault that he behaves the way he does - you’re not the perfect spouse, you provoked him, you made his commute longer… I need you to understand this: none of this is your fault. You do not deserve his abuse. They say kids don’t do what their parents say, they do what their parents do. Think about the effect this man is having on your son. Think about the kind of partner and husband he will grow up to be under this man’s influence: treating his partner like “a punching bag”, verbally abusing her, hitting her in the face whenever she invades his “personal space”. He makes her miserable. She leaves, he promises he will change, so she goes back and the cycle continues on and on… You have the chance to break that cycle now. Leave. Go stay with your family and get tf away from this guy once and for all.

He might not have thrown it at you, but the aggression in itself is threatening and making you tip toe and behave differently to appease him it’s not good. I initially posted this saying he need therapy- but looking at your previous posts this could all very easily be a build up towards violence towards you. You need to start making a plan to get out of this relationship. For your sake and your kids. Stop making excuses for him and step back and look at the red flags. What would you say to a friend if they told you this was happening to them? Look after yourself x

@Hazel I was reading through thinking the same thing! A grown adult "flipping out" and throwing a drawer in a "fit of rage" is not normal or healthy, it's a sign of an adult who cannot regulate their own emotions and/or is abusive, I'm feeling both probably apply here. We all get stressed and angry, we all need some form of stress relief, but his actions are unreasonable and like other comments have said he likely needs some form of therapy. Just because the drawer wasn't thrown AT you, it doesn't mean it's okay. Behaviour like that in front of a child for example is still considered child abuse, even if it isn't directed at the child specifically.

Its like cleaning the whole house and they say " you missed a spot " Just dont. Appreciate eachother. You could take the initiative to maybe fill the gaps - youtube it...or put some furniture in front of it ---- Maybe he feels like nothing he does is good enough for you...

@ADMC The appropriate response to “you missed a spot” is not breaking drawers, throwing things and threatening divorce. Stop telling her it’s her fault. IT’S NOT HER FAULT.

He sounds like he needs medication 💊, alot of men won't agree to mental health help sadly.

It’s not ok for your kids to grow up with this kind of thing going on it’s too stressful. I can say that from personal experience. He definitely needs anger management and therapy at the very least. And he should take any outbursts elsewhere in the meantime otherwise I’d absolutely walk to protect my kids and my peace

@Sharon I didn't say it was appropriate.

@Sharon No its not the appropriate response. But the appropriate response to him breaking the drawers isn't giving the grown man a repercussion either. Unless this was becoming a trend in which case they'd have to consider if he needs counselling. ADMC offered good insight there into something that should be considered, and I feel OP is compassionate enough (based on how she wrote this) to consider that food for thought