Relationship breakdown
Show your support
It's SUCH a crazy draining and emotional time, I wouldn't make big decisions about your relationship now while you're right in the thick of it. My only advice is to make sure you're communicating with each other! Resentment that your life has changed SO much and theirs not as much is normal for mum's and feelings of being left behind and not important is normal for partners. These feelings are all fine as long as you create a safe space to be open about them.. maybe say to him it's not his fault you're feeling like this But this is how you're feeling and this is what you need from him. And then invite him to tell you how he's feeling and what can you do to help him feel differently? Make sure conversations aren't about 'you do this' or 'you don't do enough of that' but more like 'this is how I'm feeling'
They say not to make any rash decisions on your relationship once having a baby…and I agree. It can take a year (which I know will seem a life time away right now) for things to level out. I felt the same when I had my girl, your whole world gets turned upside down, you are all figuring out how to live with these new emotions, struggles, ‘routines’, lack of sleep etc. and it is a massive change. Communication makes things better, don’t put loads of expectation on yourself that you have to do everything…you don’t! If you have support around you, use it! Tell people you need help and they will help. It is difficult, but it will get better x
Also remember you're high risk (all mum's are due to hormones etc) for post partum depression but so are dads, it's not something that's talked about and often dads feel unloved, pushed out, overlooked etc and it's one of the biggest reasons relationships fail in the first year after having babies. Id sit down with him and try and get him to open up how he's feeling it'll help him listen to you as he will feel like he's being heard and seen. Definitely don't make a rash decision yet your hormones are all over the place and things will definitely get better x
Aw I just want to say that this is extremely common. It’s all about the preparation for birth in our society but nobody really talks about how to prepare for when the baby is here, everything goes to shit, the relationship changes and who does what tasks. I think communication is key and if all else fails, a relationship counsellor can be extremely helpful (our even let us come with our baby)… It just really establishing new roles, establishing your new relationship but most importantly you need looked after more than ever during this time. I totally get you when you say no energy for conversation and that’s why I’d recommend a counsellor because they do a lot of the hard work for you in terms of “problem solving”. I hope that helps!
I think since you’re still recovering and have literally just birthed a human he should be doing the lionshare of chores and cooking. Your focus should be on the baby and if you’re the only one doing night feeds then you need to be resting. But I agree with everyone else it’s too soon to be considering your relationship. You need to tell your partner that it’s not about him right now, his time will come, but it’s about the baby now. Also, it sounds like he’s expecting you to do everything, and he isn’t showing a lot of care towards you which is a bit hypocritical of him. Maybe tell him what you need from him to feel energised and taken care of then you’ll have the energy to reciprocate.
He should step up and start helping out with the chores, you can’t be doing all these alone.
5 weeks?! He’s said this to you after 5 weeks?! I’m not sure I had a meaningful conversation with my partner at 5 months let alone showed him any time or affection!! You’ve just had a baby! They’re exhausting and quite frankly he should be doing as much as he can to help you and take everything else on the chin for a while! I was brutal to my partner, he just took it and ignored it and accepted I was hormonal and that I’d come back to myself at some point. Tell him to pull his big boy pants on and help and maybe you’ll actually have some time for him!!!
He needs to grow up tbh!
That first year is hard! We only really got back to ourselves about 2 years in although I had a traumatic birth and dealt with depression and ptsd after which had a massive impact. Everyone’s timelines are different.
I feel you. I was super blessed to have my mom here taking care of everything for the first two weeks. Now we are 8 weeks in. Simple meals have been my go to. Always making extra for the freezer so this days when I don’t do much than feed and change the baby I can still have a yummy meal ready. The crockpot is a great tool too. I spoke with my husband about doing 2 things that would help me a ton. Taking the baby for an hour when he gets home from work so I can do what I need/wang without a baby on me and asking what he can do to help when we go to bed instead of just going to bed leaving me to close up the house alone. He usually takes him to bed with him while I prep for the morning in the kitchen and get the dogs out. It’s another 30-60 minutes that I feel like I get to myself this way. And a huge help. We beds are and side by side feeding has been a godsend for my sleep. And prioritize intimacy. Doesn’t need to be sex but continuing intimacy in some ways has helped.
As far as keeping up with the house, I try to get specific things done every day that keeps my home pretty clean. I can do them quickly during nap times or even with him in the carrier. But in this season the house looks different than it did before the baby and we have to be okay with things not being perfect all the time. At this moment, I’m feeding the baby, hubs and I just got done eating a late breakfast, laundry is piled up on the table, dishes piled in the sink, and I need to take a shower. The baby will nap after he eats, and I’ll get showered then start on dishes. Decide what is most important and tackle those jobs first. Other things will still be there tomorrow. Try to get out of the house when you can. I take the baby to story time at various libraries in the area, walks, to the store, or a friend’s house a couple of times a week. Today I’m thinking about going to a photography walk in my town but I’m not sure I’ll be ready to leave the house with baby on time.
It’s because he has noticed the intimacy dry spell. It is normal. He will get over it. Or he won’t and therefore isn’t worth worrying about
Yup. My husband started stepping up and took some of the responsibilities knowing that I exclusively nurse, so now we both have more free time for intimacy (cuddles/snuggles/watching movies together).