Resentment towards step child

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I am also a step parent and feel the same way sometimes. It comes and goes for me! My inbox is always open for you to talk!

I felt like that with my bfs kids because their mom told them to act up at daddy’s. So with that and mix in stress/depression, I was having meltdowns every time they came over. Eventually we found the connection and get along a lot better now. I just tried to distance myself some when they were here so I wouldn’t catch myself being rude to them.

I feel the same way sometimes towards my 12 year old step son... mainly the reason being is because he has been babied for a while so he doesn't act like he is 12. He needs to be constantly coddled otherwise he throws tantrums and he has an addiction to video games so much so that unless he's behind the screen he's constantly bored and "sad" as he puts it. I try to connect with him but now that I have a newborn it's 10x harder to even be around him...

I understand this completely! We have my partners son every Friday Saturday and he goes home Sunday. His mum has caused so much trouble. Everything is organised around him and what he wants to do. I’ve said to my partner our daughter will end up resenting his son for being the favourite and for only making fun things happen when his son is there. It’s so so hard! Message me any time! X

Thank you all for your advice and support. I just struggle things were great with her and her mom in the beginning then when we got married her mom got worse then we have our first boy and she gets even more worse and then we have our second son and it’s a nightmare I think her mom is possibly jealous of what we have because she couldn’t have that with my husband. She can have what we have just not with him but she chooses not to she’s in and out of relationships and has moved 3 times in just the last 2 years. My SD also has ADHD which she is now on medication, her mom tried every excuse trying to say her meds are making her do all these things which is all lies because she doesn’t want her to be on the meds and her dose actually still needs to be upped but her mom refuses. She is also spoiled and gets treated like a baby at her moms, her mom does not believe in any type of discipline and talks to her like a baby idk it could also just be me I was raised completely different?

I really struggle with this too. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone while reading everyone's responses!!

@Shontae it’s so hard! You’re not alone with these feelings! My SS mum lets him get away with everything - he’s from a broken home, he’s only 5, hes a boy - any excuse. I’ve basically told my partner she can parent however she wants in her home, but there are rules here! There’s things his son does which there will be no way on earth I want my daughter to pick up on or act on. He knows how far he can push yet still tries to act up x

@Dom girl I think we have the same step son!

Wow I relate to you all so much! Wish I'd joined peanut/this group a long time ago! I have an 8yo SS, with a nightmare mother. I also feel resentment sometimes and difficult to be around, esp when I was pregnant. Tbh I think it's just part of being a step parent ?? No one prepares you for this do they.. sorry I can't offer any advice x

@Rose my step son is also 8 and me and his mom haven’t spoken in 2 years. It was because she and my husband put me through so much stress during my pregnancy I hate her guts now. I know for me it has helped me to step back in parenting. I was all in but they decided I didn’t need to be disciplining how I wanted to so she started keeping him more as I refused to keep him if I couldn’t discipline the same way she and my husband do.

@Amiee omg same pretty much! I know she's being difficult coz she's jealous but that doesn't make it easier for me. She threatened us a lot when i was pregnant and made our lives hell. I don't have any contact with bio mum coz I know it could turn nasty. And I always get criticised when I look after SS, so I refuse to be free childcare anymore, especially coz now I have a baby to look after. We can never win. Unfortunately we'll have another 10 years of this, and I feel bad for SS having such a manipulative controlling mother and being stuck in a difficult situation..

I feel the same way! My step daughter has been craving so much attention lately and I’m pregnant with our second child which is a girl. I feel she might be a bit jealous of the attention my 7 month old gets and everytime she goes to her moms house she says no one plays with her but yet we go to the pool, to the park and sechedule play dates and all the time and things we do is for her when she’s here every other week. Then we get the mother calling saying she’s crying cos she doesn’t want to come to us but then tells us she doesn’t want to go to her moms house. I feel like it’s a cry for attention but also having the mom constantly in our lives is so frustrating because we don’t do the same to her. I feel like I do so much for her and buy her so much that when she says these things to her mom it’s like what am I even good for? Like I get so annoyed

@Rose yes! My husband got so mad at me when I finally said I’m done being free babysitter for them

omg i’m so glad i’m not alone, my step son is 5 and his mum has made so many problems for us we had to call the police at one point and she’s poisoned him so he’s a horrible lad to us all including my 3 kids, his dad, me and even punched me in the bump. His mum finally realised she got more money if she stopped us seeing him so she did that and my hubby is gutted in parts even though he doesn’t like the child much due to his behaviour he obviously loves him and i feel like a cow for being relieved as he causes so many problems and been worried about our unborn child due to how he is. I’m hoping in a few years he will see his mum for what she is and seek my hubby out and be nice but i always feel so guilty about it all as she clearly has done all this out of jealousy and my hubby says he was the nicest kid when he was 2 (they had been broken up for over a year at this point but I wasn’t on the scene so she wasn’t saying things like daddy don’t love you etc) so hard

I felt exactly the same as you! I went doctors quite a few times as I didn’t think these feelings were normal, they then referred me to talk works which then led me down the route to counselling, I had counselling in the end with my work as I work for the NHS and it worked amazingly! I feel so much more better about things and see thing’s completely different! I would highly recommend it!! You are not alone! Xx

Why does it make you resent the child and not your husband?

@Brittny from my experience it’s a bit of both, but when you have a peaceful week with no drama or problems then the step child comes around at the weekend and all it is is dramas, trouble and problems - you see them as the problem and the cause of it. We have a week with no arguing, no problems and then as soon as the weekend comes around - that’s when the trouble begins, it’s both realistically.

I fell this way all the time.

So I have another question for you, ladies that I’ve been commenting on my post and I appreciate everybody’s input. It has been very helpful but my question if you were in the situation where you have a one-year-old and a two-year-old, who just got done being sick one of them was admitted to primaries for a week for pneumonia, adenovirus para, influenza and a double ear infection, and the weekend comes around to have the step child come over and she is sick with a sore throat, what do you do in that situation I’d prefer not for my boys to get sick again and rather her go back to her moms but then I know if I bring it up to my husband and it will cause issues and he will think that I am just coming up with excuses and that I really just don’t want her with us. I know I probably sound like a horrible person but me and my boys have been sick at least 5+ times since Christmas and I am just over being sick and seeing my boys being sick.

@Shontae I’ve made it very clear my step son isn’t allowed to come over when he is sick as he doesn’t need to spread it here. It wasn’t like this as much when we were doing week on week off and we stayed sick. I got tired of it too and have told my husband he doesn’t need to come here until he is over his sicknesses. Idc if I come off nagging at this point tho

@Shontae yeh you just gotta say it and stand your ground. Your LO's immune system may be compromised atm too and you need a break from all the illness..

@Shontae deffo SC shouldn’t be coming over if sick unless you have him for like a week etc, we had this with SS. She was sending him with start of chicken pox and hiding it etc all my kids were prem and have compromised immune systems and 2 are ASD so don’t cope wiht being sick like typical kids. So we send home as not fair plus what sick kid doesn’t want to be with their mum or mum want to be looking after and checking on their sick kid??? Mine had strep A recently with many hospital visits and she wanted to send him I explained no I wouldn’t take responsibility of him getting that sick wouldn’t want him sick at all especially a he was only coming for the weekend she kicked off saying was trying to get rid of him etc and she needed a weekend away, sent all the hospital reports and meds and link to show could result in death and she messaged back fine you have to have him next weekend sick or not 🙄🙄 stick to your guns and no sick kids you wouldn’t have sick friends over!!

@Shontae I say to my partner we are not having his daughter over if she is sick, luckily now my partner understands but before he didn’t! I use to get so frustrated and angry when my partners ex would send her daughter to our house with a sickness bug or flu! And then my LO would get so poorly we would end up in hospital. Make sure you stand your ground!! Xx

I’m glad their are people that agree with me I understand that my husband works out of state and the only time he gets to see his daughter is when he specifically plans to come home during his time but being sick is annoying… and here we are she was just here sick and now my boys and I are sick yet again for the 5 or 6th time since Christmas