Unsupportive partner

Being a single mum is difficult but it’s worth it, please don’t feel pressured into making any decision by anyone. It’s your body and your choice 🩷 Feel free to DM me if you want to chat x

Im 23 and My ex said the same to me and did end the relationship from around 8/10 weeks pregnant, I’m now 36 weeks pregnant, I have gone through my entire pregnancy alone and am now preparing to be a single mum in a matter of weeks , it was never the plan and it’s broke my heart but I couldn’t go through with the abortion x

Being a mum will be so much more important to you than this relationship ever was. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy I’m sure you will make yourself so proud. Either way, it seems your partner has shown his true colours.

This baby will be in your life forever, you partner may not be, keep the baby, it will be yours forever; you will not regret it! Horrible boyfriend for saying that he won’t support you, red flag!

@Abby don’t use your religion and morals to influence another woman’s lifelong decision. Unless you are going to help her raise it, it’s not your place to push your wants on her. Incog, please don’t let him choose for you. Either way, it should be your decision and I hope that you have people in your life that you feel supported by and will be with you in your choice. Being a single mom is hard, but being a mom in general is much better if you have a community. Having a partner does not mean that you won’t be essentially a single mom. There are so many married single moms out there. Support is what matters. Regardless of by whom.

You rarely hear of people regretting keeping a baby but you do hear of people regretting not keeping a baby!

@Abby correction, abortion is murder to you. Either provide Incog with free childcare and financial support or STFU about your personal beliefs about her situation.

There's always the chance that the partner comes around eventually , especially if its the first child its kinda roll of the dice though

@Tia and @Suzanna the VAST majority of women will not feel pain or regret following an abortion. There are a lot more bad moms out there than there are moms who regret abortion. That said, if Incog feels ready to be a mom and wants to continue her pregnancy, that is completely up to her and also a very brave and good choice. She is not asking for everyone’s personal opinions on abortion. She is asking about support and being nervous of the prospect of being a single mom.

Incog please ignore the God botherers on here. If you want abortion advice, Peanut is not the place for it, too many nut jobs. There are plenty of impartial advice centres in the UK, just Google it. You mentioned your partner is Sikh - given that his family know about you and you are white, I suspect they’re not hardcore religious. In which case, you two not being married shouldn’t be that much of an issue. What’s your relationship like with his mum? Does he have any sisters you could talk to? If your partner was willing to buy a house with you, without being married, that also says to me that his parents wouldn’t likely disown him. Did you two ever discuss marriage? Most Sikh guys I know who have white girlfriends usually only string them along until it’s time to marry an Indian girl and then they either dump them, or keep them as a side piece. I’ve seen it hundreds of times, sorry. I can count on one hand the successful white woman/Sikh man relationships that I know of.

@Leonna yes, my mum said she will support me no matter what decision I make, same with my friends.

@Renee it is entirely her choice, you’re correct. However, just wanted to give an opinion on some who thought abortion was what they wanted.

As someone who couldn’t keep their baby in the past due to zero support and being forced into it, it’s hard going through it. I regretted my decision for a long time, but now as much as it hurts my life wouldn’t have turned out the way it did and I’m grateful that now I have a gorgeous LG with a guy who supports and loves me. But you don’t need a guy for any of it, all you need is you and your little one. But like I will say to anyone it is completely your decision and your body, whatever you decide will be the right thing for you, if you want to keep your little one then massively congratulations You’ll be an amazing mum ❤️ My inbox is always open if you need a chat x

@Suzanna while conveniently leaving out the huge majority who thought it was and were right.

@Neena I know his mum likes me, she doesn’t have a daughter and always wanted one, so my partner often made jokes that I’m her bonus child. No they’re not extra religious, his brother is getting married to a Christian woman this year and has also converted to Christianity. I know his brother knows I’m pregnant and tried to explain to my partner that abortion might not be the best choice but it’s like talking to a wall, he simply doesn’t consider keeping the baby/being involved in its life if I end up keeping it. I have even considered messaging his mum and telling her about the situation, but as much as I hate him right now I don’t want to ruin his relationship with his family

There is no judgment towards you from me at all but if protection wasn’t being used then there should be responsibility from both of you for the pregnancy and he would have known the risks of it so his reaction is super delusional. It is so so true when people say there is no love like the love you have for your babies, it’s absolutely unimaginable. If you choose to keep the baby even if that means doing it alone, then there will definitely be hard times but you will have your very own little best friend for life. I’m not sure what your support system is like but I also understand if you do go down the route of abortion then you are doing it because you feel it is what is right for you. I wish you all the best with whatever you choose🥰

Incog, I’m not a single mom myself, but have helped quite a few friends who are and have been. It is both incredibly challenging and rewarding, just like being any mom is. But even if it’s something small like being available to pick the kid up from daycare or watching them while mom got called into work, I was so grateful to have that time with them and to be there for my friends and to have those relationships with both of them. I’m glad to hear that your mom and friends are being so supportive and if you feel that this is the right call for you, congratulations! One thing I’d recommend though is to do your best with your mom to establish child care. The gender pay gap doesn’t exist until a woman has a baby and missing work for a child’s sick days, appointments, and school’s off days are some of the leading causes of that.

Incog is your partner the “golden child” in his family? That could be the reason why he’s so hellbent on you getting an abortion, otherwise it would ruin the image of perfect son to his mother. Especially given you mentioned his brother is marrying outside the religion too. His excuse of being disowned isn’t ringing true. If he’s adamant he doesn’t want to be a part of the baby’s life and you are definitely planning on keeping it, I don’t see an issue with letting his mum know given she’s going to be the grandmother. Just because her son doesn’t want to be involved, doesn’t mean his parents have to be subject to that too. Did you tell his brother you were pregnant or did he? What’s your relationship status right now? Have you split? Or is he waiting to see if you’re going to keep it before staying/leaving you? Is there any way possible you think he would come round to the idea of it? I mean if his parents knew and didn’t disown him - what would be his excuse then? 🤔

You’ll be an amazing mum honestly xxxxxxx you’ll do a great job single parent or not- tbh some days we can all feel like single parents as our other halves don’t do much

@Renee I’m lucky enough to be working from home, I only go to the office for like 3 hours a week in case I have a meeting that can’t be done on teams/zoom so childcare wouldn’t be much of a problem!

@Neena far from golden child! His mum always told me he caused trouble when he was younger. He told his brother that I’m pregnant as they’re quite close. He is staying in contact with me and said he will keep checking up on me until I make my mind up - but if I decide to keep the baby he will leave me as soon as I tell him.

My son is Indian, partner is sikh and I’m white. I’m not Indian, his family adore us. Not an excuse. I get every family is different but it’s completely down to you. Abortion isn’t murder. You have to face the fact that if he doesn’t want to be present, you can’t force it. Take him for child maintenance and leave that man. Whatever you choose, good luck love xx

Ok then Incog your partner is being an absolute bell end. Talk about controlling! I’m curious, how long have you two been together? You mentioned about having an abortion before 25 if you happened to get pregnant - was this something you told him too or was it just something you had in the back of your own mind? It sounds like he is just clutching at straws trying to use the religion/family card but it’s not adding up. You also don’t need to buy a place together to raise a child. You could always rent or move in with his parents or another arrangement. I would definitely call him out on his BS and tell his mum. She’s going to be a grandma. Would love to see his face when you call his bluff! Maybe then you’ll find out the real truth as to why he doesn’t want you to have this baby.

@Kayleigh I told him that I would never force him to be there for me and the baby if I decide to keep it, but that’s when he started complaining about his kid being raised by another man in the future etc, now I speak about it it makes me laugh how naive I was 😅

@Neena we’ve been in a relationship for about 6 months now. I did tell him I’m not planning on having kids before I’m 25 and he said that’s fine with him, because that means we will have time to make sure we’re the best versions of ourselves before we have a baby, even spoke about getting married etc He did seem like a dream man until we found out I’m pregnant, he even had the audacity to ask me if I’m sure it’s his, even though he is the one going clubbing and all I do is sit at home with my dog and see my friends from time to time!

I would give your partner some time, could possibly just be the shock talking. At the end of the day, it is your body and your baby, if he decides to be unsupportive after he's processed then I would do what you feel is best, if you do not want to abort the baby, don't do it, it's a decision I'm sure a lot of people have regretted. We all know how babies are made and 3/4 of the time it is from unprotected sex, so if that was the case, I wouldn't understand why he is so suprised by the pregnancy x

I’d start off with talking to your man about how much it will hurt you to abort this baby talk to his parents in depth about what he has said and how you feel try to get their support if you choose to have this baby. Give it some time. If this he’s don’t change then make your decision I don’t know what it’s like being a single parent but you need to deeply look into all your options before making a decision. Please update us on what happens I really wish the best for you 🎀

I had the same thoughts the first time I found out I was pregnant. I chose to honour what logical, unemotional me was thinking. That if I got pregnant, I wasn’t ready, financially couldn’t handle it and would never get ahead, etc etc. After my abortion, I really struggled. I think some people have a hard time putting into words what they’re feeling. I thought I regretted it until I went to therapy. I felt so relieved, yet so sad that I even had to make a choice. It was the best decision I ever made for myself, while also being the hardest decision ever I have no guilt about the abortion, but I feel guilty about not taking every single precaution to avoid that happening I felt so much more like myself the moment that procedure was over, and yet I was forever changed. Two things can be true. 90% of women feel immediate relief. I truly believe that the 10% that don’t are just in the same place I was in-it’s confusing, it’s hard, but I WAS relieved underneath it all

Lol why does he care if your child was to be raised by another man if he doesn’t care to be there himself? Is he ok in the head? You’re not naive, he’s just stupid

@Abby it isn’t murder, cry me a river Abby 🥰

@Abby you’re tiny minded 🤡

@Abby I wouldn’t know what was happening to me, I wouldn’t have a formed brain

If you decide to terminate you should honestly consider leaving him too. This is appalling

Keep the baby otherwise you will regret all your life 😊this is just excuses if he loves you he will be happy for your baby too

@Abby YOUR religion may not allow YOU to do things, it has nothing to do with others. This behavior of yours is disgusting, besides your God killed many many babies.

This sounds like such a difficult situation. Sorry you’re having to navigate this. I can see how he might be in shock if you’ve been together 6 months and had talked about not having kids before 25. That said, you are now unexpectedly pregnant so the situation has changed, so I’m not necessarily agreeing with his stance It sounds like you would have some good support outside of your relationship which means you can do what feels right for you. What I will say in response to a lot of the comments suggesting most women regretting abortions, is that it’s not always true. I had an abortion when I accidentally got pregnant in my early 20s with my boyfriend of 5 years (I had a coil at the time). He said he would support me either way, as did our parents. But for me, it didn’t feel like the right time. I’m grateful to have had the choice to do what was right for me and I’m excited to now become a mum in a few months I wish you all the best deciding what is going to work best for you ❤️

@Abby Your preaching isn't helping this lady, keep your disgusting comments to yourself

Sounds like his problem, not yours love. Someone should have wore a condom if he was that much of a pussy. You have every right to make the decision to keep the baby just as much as you have to terminate. It’s definitely a lot easier done than said when thinking of being a single parent. Yes I said the right. Most dads don’t feed or diaper change the babies or just help the mom in general. Which is why you always hear or see moms on here complaining that they’re a single parent in a relationship. Moms get so much strength to be able to take care of their baby in general, imagine the strength you’ll get doing it alone. If he don’t want to support you, someone eventually will and take on a role that was even for him in the first place. You got this, with whatever decision you make. Don’t let an immature little boy tell you to do something you don’t want to do.

I’ve also had an abortion when I turned 20. We rented as well but that wasn’t the reason. my relationship was extremely rocky with my partner and I didn’t want to bring a baby into toxic relationship of being 7 months into the relationship. I regretted it for months and eventually was able to accept it knowing that I made the better decision. I now I have a beautiful healthy 2 year old with another on the way with the same partner I had for 7 years now. Everything always works out.

Hi All, thanks for your advice. I have decided I will be keeping the baby!

Good luck Incog 🤍🤍🤍

Congratulations Incog! You seem so level headed and will make a great mom!! Something to consider and I would have messaged you privately if I could, but between his clubbing, asking you if the baby is his (deflection), his roundabout answers about why he doesn’t want the baby, and blaming his parents and religion which he is obviously going against himself with many of his lifestyle choices and personal morals in how he’s handling this situation, I’d be questioning if he were cheating. As soon as I hear of a man going out while accusing their partner of cheating, I think that they are actually the ones who are and so far it’s always been right. Especially with his responses and it still being unclear why now isn’t the right time. It sounds like he still wants to be able to go out and play but isn’t admitting it. Even if he steps up, it’s something I’d look into.