I desperately need to vent.

So, I never liked dating dads but when I met my partner, he was adamant that I wouldn’t deal with the bm drama that I so cautiously always avoided. Plus I can’t stand dead beat dads. But my partner gave me so much reassurance and I agreed to be with him and dating seemed great. But at the time we were dating, we were far from all our family not by choice so obviously we had nothing really interfering. Then we moved in together, closer to home. And once he was finally able to obtain joint custody, his kids started coming over and I realized fairly quickly, I didn’t enjoy being a stepmom which I always sorta knew but I wanted to meet him halfway and give it a try. So as I’m trying to figure out how to politely and respectfully remove myself from the situation, I ended up pregnant. :) which pissed me off. Because prior to that, it was him or kids and I picked him since he already had kids and I just deal with his kids as hands off as much as possible because 1. I didn’t like his relationship with his baby momma and we had multiple arguments behind that and 2. His kids were already way too much for me to deal with. But now that I’m pregnant which I’ve always envisioned being the only thing in my life that goes right, it’s all just completely wrong. I’m pushing for us to buy a house which we can afford, pushing him to get a better job and benefits and this morning, I started pushing to be a stay at home mom. Which his last bm was able to do just fine. But now with me, I can’t because he can’t afford all 3 kids plus a spouse. It’s making me so absolutely angry and resentful. Because I feel like she had it made for her. They got to share all these amazing firsts together and I’m going through all my firsts alone which is NOT what I wanted for my first baby at all. And on top of that, she thinks she and I are in this weird ass competition because of the stuff that comes out of HIS mouth. Like his son constantly telling me his mom is better and him telling his son that it “hurts my feelings” when in actuality it’s just annoying. Which I think that would annoy ANYBODY?? And his son telling his mom that he’s not allowed to talk about her here cuz it hurts MY feelings ???? And she’s now questioning that and getting real freaking smug about it too. Then she complains ANYTIME I find a way to actually bond with his kids. And then she’s asking my partner to bring her food cuz “she doesn’t feel good” and his excuse is cuz “I’ll get mad” not cuz they’re divorced or anything??? All in all this situation I’m in is bullshit. Oh and I want to move closer to my parents cuz I’ll have help with my baby and he refuses cuz he refuses to be a weekend dad which like respectable but I can almost guarantee he’s going to be a weekend dad anyways to our kid. ATP I feel like a mistress who ended up pregnant. Everything I’ve been avoiding is exactly what I fell into for trying to be understanding and trusting of his judgment and now I’m angry for making these choices and especially angry at myself for letting this happen.