in Pregnancy loss, stillbirth and infant loss 👼

Ughh everything is just not okay....

I lost my baby 3 months ago. I'm NOT okay. I feel like the biggest part of me is missing everyday. Everyday I consider the relief of not being alive, not feeling this heaviness and being with my baby. There is no moving on, just moving forward. I'm completely obsessed with whatever my future of motherhood may hold. Everything I do is for my future baby... making sure my health is optimal for my next pregnancy, working hard to hopefully earn another promotion, starting my ira that ill have in addition to a pension later in life, home improvements to our already beautiful home. I need to stay busy and keep my mind busy because when I dont I cant stop crying , I cant understand why this is my reality. I don't want another baby. I want my two I lost. But that isnt an option. I just NEED a baby in worst way. I wakeup like clockwork knowing my baby would need to eat or be changed if they were here. Post partum is worse than pregnancy, I cant believe I'm doing this a second time. For those of you who went through it you know that it will always be different for you than the babys dad; they didnt carry, their bodies didnt change, its just different. That doesnt mean they arent hurt. I'm not ready to try again yet but I want to be in the best health possible for when I am... But my boyfriend... he isn't saying we cant try again.. he hates to talk about what happened bc he doesnt want to feel sad, he says he isn't ready to move on but I dont see it as moving on , for me right now i need hope. And I know I need a baby to be able to heal. He doesnt want to discuss it or anything right now and I respect that except that it makes grieving feel so lonely...and if he isnt ready than why have sex with me all the time? Because every time a chance is being taken... Any advice is appreciated... Dealing with my boyfriends grief, maybe books or something that helped? Im in the US i know pther countries have different resources available

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Seeing you love. Just remember everyone grieves differently. I feel both of you would benefit immensely from therapy. See if you can get him to try it.

@Aubrey ive mentioned it and he wasnt responsive to the idea. I personally dont like the idea of speaking with professionals but i would if he was going with me. Back story info... i got preg before we were together 1 yr, it wasnt planned but he was excited and ready bc he had to be an has an older child already. After we lost our first he kept saying he wasnt ready but when it happened a little over a yr later he was over the moon, and this time was even more devastating because it was the drs fault. And it could have been prevented. The dr wasnt transparent and made the wrong call. But i think as much worry and stress comes with pregnancy and all the tests and appointments, another baby will help us both heal. It won't ever replace the two angels we lost its just what i think. Theres rooms of our house we struggle to even go in bc the nursery was completely finished, and full of books, clothes, everything and the playroom is every little ones dream...

@Aubrey ... i looked at your profile. Im sorry for the loss of your sweet boy... how did you and your significant other decide you were ready again? Or were you just letting it happen when it did?

At first, I thought I wanted to try immediately as soon as I was done healing from birth but thankfully, once that time came I knew I wanted to wait longer and allow my body more time to recooperate and not try to replace him. For me personally, I decided I wanted to wait long enough that the baby could have been a baby that we would have had anyway even if he had lived. She is due the day after what would be his second birthday, in May. I wouldn't want her to feel like if he had lived she wouldn't have been born. Maybe just a weird thing but to me it mattered. Also we knew we didn't want another winter birthday (like our first 2 girls) so I was ok with anything after winter so started intentionally trying after like July I think, in order to get a Spring or Summer baby. Getting a due date so close to his birthday was not intentional but just kind of happened. Anyway, we are very happy and excited now.

You will never feel okay with it and that’s normal, loosing your baby is the hardest loss of all 💔. I felt every single feeling in this post, like I could have wrote it myself. It’s like you don’t want to stop because when you do you’re faced with reality again. I took some therapy, I’m not sure how the US works but I googled local charities to me and found one that suited my needs, most charity’s are free for support (in the UK). Also go to your GP and weigh out your options I had sertaline low dose for a for months so I could slow down and heal. They just help with switching your mind off. They also referred me to a specialist nurse who deals with women in our situation who was able to point me in the right direction for more support. Also these books I post were great, she is also on Instagram and posts great advice and support. ❤️❤️❤️

@Aubrey i see, and your feelings about not wanting her to feel like she wouldnt be here if her brother lived is completely valid. Im glad you did what you felt was best for your family. Ugh timing is so hard, some pplmget preg so easy and others it takes so long. I had a c section and was told to wait 9 months to start trying but i want to start trying in june or july rather than October. Loss is never easy .. my first was due in march and second was jan... instead i lost one dec 20 and one dec 23 ... 2 yrs and 3 days apart... ive spent 15 months being pregnant to not even be a mom. Post partum is rough. And everyone around me having and announcing their babies has made it so much worse. Anyway, wishing you a safe and healthy delivery 💖

@Lauren im sorry my post hits so close to home. Its an awful feeling I wish no one could relate too. Its only been 3 months, it still feels like it happened yesterday, the drs words are always replaying in my head. I dont think therapy will be the road for me. I just need hope... i wanna be a mom to a living baby... i grew up in wierd situations to say the least and ive always wanted to be the mom i needed growing up, i never said i wanted to be a dr or anything... just a mom. Thanks for the recommendation ill look into the books and her instagran

Your time will come ❤️! It feels like it never will but you sound destined to be a mummy. I wish you all the best for your future and you get your wish xx

@Lauren thank you so much, i just hope my partner is ready when i am, hearing him say he cant even think about trying makes me feel like hell never be ready. I always thought I'd be younger too. Most of my friends started having kids 10 yrs ago.