Husband praises other mothers but criticizes me

This a long story, it's been many years now and got worse when our first daughter was born 5 years ago. My husband always seems so critical of me, it started when we were dating (almost 20 years ago), if I liked something he didn't he'd criticize it until I gave in and agreed that something I liked was dumb. It wasn't with everything, and he definitely would do things I enjoyed doing, even if he hated it sometimes so I can't complain about that. But it would be constant even little things, like furniture I liked he'd basically make fun of, or the way I wanted to decorate for Christmas (I love white lights and white decorations and he loves traditional with lots of red, green, blue and white), and it's not like he would just disagree and leave it at that, he would argue about how ridiculous it is what I like. Fast forward, he is extremely critical of me as a mother, constantly telling me I'm not a mom, that I'm a "*** you" mom to our two girls. I'll admit I really struggle in my role as a mother but I do love my girls and wish constantly that I could have a better relationship with them, that I could feel the bond that he feels with them, that I could feel the love he feels for them but I just don't unfortunately, at least not yet. And I know him being critical doesn't go my mindset, I've told him that, he says if I acted like a proper mom he wouldn't need to criticize me. So he is always putting me down as a mom, in the past 5 years I'm not sure he's ever told me I'm a good mom. Tonight he was telling me about one of our neighbour couples we're friends with, they have a 5 month old. The husband has some self esteem and mental health issues. Apparently the husband was extremely rude to the wife about their baby in front of some of the neighbours/friends, my husband included (I wasn't there). My husband showed me the text he sent the wife that night, telling her she's a good mom and hopes everything is ok. I am NOT concerned about my husband cheating, it's not that at all. What hurt me so badly, and I almost cried instantly, was that he basically bragged to me how he made sure to let her know she was a good mom after how her husband treated her and how she was so grateful to be told she was a good mom. He so willingly wants to let other women know their good moms, when his own wife is struggling (I've told him I'm struggling, I've told him how I wish motherhood was easy for me, that I'm desperate to be able to connect with our daughters), and he is so quick to put me down and criticize me. I hear him often praise other mothers and then turn around and tell me what a bad job I'm doing. After he went to bed, I broke down and have been crying alone. I didn't expect it to hurt so much but it hit my heart so badly.

Show your support

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I see how hard you’re trying and how much you love your girls that alone makes you a good mom. His constant criticism and name‑calling isn’t okay, you deserve respect and encouragement, not shame. Let him know how hurtful it is, set a boundary around how he speaks to you, and consider talking with a therapist (alone or together).

@Lacey I have let him know that it is hurtful, I've expressed since the beginning that I felt like I was struggling and he just tells me it's an excuse to not want to do what I need to do. I told him once he's encouraging the bad behaviour of our girls towards me with the things he says to me in front of them and again he said if I was doing my job properly he wouldn't need to. I'm in therapy by myself, he doesn't know. I mentioned I wanted to go to therapy 6 months after our first daughter was born and he laughed at me. So I've been in therapy on and off for the past 5 years pretty much in secret.

Send me a pm xx

@Lacey I just sent you a pm, thank you

Girl, you should leave that man. I know easier said then done but you can’t continue to live this way. He is abusing you mentally and verbally. You’re in a domestic violence relationship believe it or not and so are your girls. You need to break the cycle. He’s teaching your girls how men should treat women and they will expect the same treatment when they become older. And maybe he doesn’t treat them how he treats you but he will eventually. It sucks that they’ve been exposed to this for 5 years but there’s still time to undo some damage. You’re not a bad mom you’re a freaking badass you literally carried two babies for 9 months and then gave birth. You created life and brought them into this world more than he’s ever done in his life. And you’ve helped sustain them for 5 years already. Like that’s crazy you’re a super hero. Your body formed their bodies. Be proud. No man could ever do what we do or endure the pain that we go through. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist.

You should all go as a family if you plan on staying with him but at the very least I’d take the girls because they need to start learning that behavior is not ok and it’s not normal. It also seems like you may be depressed and part of that is caused by the abuse you’ve endured. You’re not alone girl. If you ever wanna talk send me a message.

If he laughs at you saying you wanna go to therapy, I highly doubt he’s gonna wanna go himself as a couple. This is a unhealthy relationship and I hope you can find the strength to leave hearing everything he has said to you for the past five years will definitely make it harder to leave because you feel like you deserve this a little bit, but you do not you’re a great mom and I hope you see that and leave.