Struggling being a step mom

I try to be respectful and stay in my lane and let my husband handle things with bm . My gripe is that he will make decisions on his own but then tell me after the fact and then always expect me and our daughter to conform to whatever he and bm agree to. The majority of the time it’s always in bm’s favor . Quite frankly I don’t care what they decide to do but I get annoyed when if we already had plans then he expects us to accommodate all the time . His reasoning is that our daughter should be flexible since his oldest has other restraints that are not her fault . While he has a point , our daughter didn’t ask to be in this situation either . Our daughters experiences shouldn’t be defined by what bm allows and what’s on convenient on her time just to allow sd to be present . I swear I don’t mean that as if I’m trying to leave her out but it’s just not fair . Husband thinks I’m always unreasonable but he doesn’t even try to understand my point

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I've been through this so many times. If it's something small, I'm normally OK with changing the plans, but if it is something big, I stick to the original plan. My husband and stepdaughter use to get mad but after a while they got over. Now the moment we make plans and it involves my SD my husband let's BM and SD know.

Yeah this is not right. What is the custody situation? If you are an involved stepmom, you absolutely need to be involved.

He is right but you’re not asking to never be inconvenienced, you’re asking for decision making to flow from your household out, not from him and his ex to you. That is reasonable. She should bring something to him and if it’s going to affect your marriage and your household the correct response to her should be, “let me get back to you. I need to talk to my wife.” Or just the first part and he talks to you. Men want as little over communication as possible but unfortunately having kids with multiple people is not the path of least resistance lol.

Giiiirl, the struggle. It’s all about communication and boundaries. Men seem to have a hard time with communicating with bms because they don’t want to ruffle feathers or cause conflict but don’t realize that it causes conflict within your home. You both are valid but when you’re in the weeds it’s hard seeing that. I would suggest talking as a couple about a compromise for different situations that may come up with the bm so when it happens you have a strategy in place to hopefully eliminate any confusion or disconnect. Ultimately he has to understand to weight of your concerns and you his to work to find a solution that’s works for all parties involved. If not this can definitely build resentment over time.