HCBM gets in between our relationship

It could be she’s trying to please her mom by pretending she doesn’t like you when she’s at her moms house. I have found that pattern with my step daughter. She loves being around me and wants to do everything with me and talk to me for hours when she’s at her dad’s house. But the minute she goes to her mom’s house she does a complete 180 and I don’t hear from her. It’s really hard navigating.

Yess I believe so as well but it’s really hard to play it off like nothing. Like my feelings are hurt and it makes me want yo back off our relationship to protect myself but I don’t want to hurt her so I’m just confused on how to work through it . In the meantime still feeling some type of way

I can't give good advice, just to tell you that you are not alone. 😪 the reason usually is the loyalty conflict from the kid's side. It's very painful. My SD already admitted that she loves me but also wants to make her mommy happy. So she lied bad stories about me... I felt betrayed 💔. I have had a step back since then.

I've found it easier taking a step back but now SD is not talking or wanting to see her dad either. She is cutting off her dad's side of the family. Will never know if it's her or her mum but I've taken a step back and I've found it easier and I'm not stressed about it or getting upset about it anymore

Omg I feel like she’s doing the same to me too because her mom would say stuff and blame me for stuff that I had no parts in & here I am thinking it’s just her wanting to nick pick but now I’m realizing it may be the bonus daughter saying stuff to her because at the age of 4 she cried to me one time saying she can’t call me mom because her mom is her mom and if she call me mom it makes her mom cry. I never asked her to call me mom, since she was 2 I’ve always corrected her every time she called me mom and told her to call me by my first name because of course I was trying to respect her mom and eliminate any unnecessary drama it may cause but one day she randomly called me bonus mommy on the phone while at her mom house and that next week she came back crying saying she can’t call me that . Which was fine to me because I didn’t want her too but I felt bad for her because she wanted to especially since her brothers call me mommy. So I feel like she doesn’t want to hurt her mom and

Play both sides but idk how to navigate my boundaries with the situation. I asked her a couple times if she seen my messages because i use to be able to see if she opens it because she had read receipts on it she would say yes some times then no sometimes. Of course the next two weeks the read receipt were off and I know for a fact she doesn’t know how to control that. So I asked her if she’s comfortable talking to me and her dad at her mom (this is when she was ignoring us both) she said no and didn’t explain why but I know why and so her dad and I just agreed to let her be when she’s there so she won’t feel uncomfortable she would also ignore a lot of other people as well like her mom or friends but about 6 months ago she started responding within seconds of her mom texting her and her friends but when it came to her dad and I it was barely now she’s responding to her dad way more lately but not me so it’s like idk how to feel

You are not alone. All of the messages resonate with me too. You all are doing great. The fact that you care enough to post here asking for answers / help / support says a lot. The issue is not you. It’s the situation that you did not create.

I would honestly take a step back and let the messages go through her dad. It could be her mum controlling the phone. We would sometimes get replies at 10pm/11pm and we know for a fact that isn't SD replying at that time especially on a school night. It's hard knowing what the right thing to do is. It's been about 7/8 months now since we haven't seen SD and since then I've taken a step back. She doesn't ask about her brother and sister here and hasn't met her 5 month old sister so to me I just feel like what's the point. She sent us a Christmas card that said daddy becca & kids which broke my heart as they are her siblings and she couldn't even write their names in the card

Smh it’s a jealousy thing too like sibling rivalry. This year and last year has been a mess trying to get the two oldest to get along. Mind you she’s turning 9 in July and my oldest turned 4 in January

@Rebecca I’m sorry you’re going through that it is very much a heart breaking thing especially when you know the change and can what’s causing it. Stepping away I feel would disengage her from alll of us even her dad and brother because I was typically the one that drives the family together

Thank you! Maybe just text her every once in a while. Once every couple weeks or something just so there's proof there that you have tried. But try not to get upset if she doesn't reply. Hopefully when she's older she will realise

Yes I minimized it to every other Sunday to wish her a good week at school. No reply but been texting dad through the week. I’ve been ignoring it, but this week had gotten to me, especially since this week we get her as well 😞 and I know the moment she gets here she’s gonna be all over me. It’s like I have to fake it until she’s gone and that just doesn’t sit right with me.

Yeah i understand that, was exactly the same with us. Never replied to my messages then all over us when she came to see us. Apart from the last year or so she's completely changed

That's how husband had to be like when he was growing up. If he showed any love for his dad and stepmother when he was at his mom's he was getting into trouble. I remember he told me he called his stepmom mom in front of his real mom and she slapped him across the face for it and told him that shes an evil bitch and he shouldn't like her, my husband was only like 10. It def sucks, like that shouldn't be how it is but sometimes BM are just super jealous especially if it's a daughter than she's getting close to you. 😕 It's def sad.

@Brianna wowww that is so sad. I just don’t get it , if someone loves your child and pours love and happiness into them why take that from them

Yeah, his mom is def psycho even though she's the one who cheated and left the marriage. 🫠 Even to this day she spies on them. But my husbands dad agreed to pay child support if he got to have physical custody of him and so my husband didn't have to deal with his mom anymore after that in his younger years.