Am I wrong?

SS8 keeps taking stuff from our house to his mum’s with the pretext that he hasn’t got things like that at hers. It’s mainly toys or teddies he gets attached to.
When he asked about one of them earlier, I said why don’t you ask mum to get you one and he said “they’re too expensive” (they’re not, the one he was on about was £1 🤦🏼‍♀️). I said “your mum gets enough money from your dad to afford a teddy 🤐” Am I in the wrong? Someone’s got to tell him the truth 🤷🏼‍♀️ His dad is of the opinion that we shouldn’t get involved.

It makes my blood boil because we have to pay her hundreds of pounds every month despite him being with us almost 50% of the time, and most of that money goes towards her own spending 😡 I know for a fact that she would have said that to him “oh can’t afford that it’s too expensive “ when he’s asked for something, when she is perfectly capable of affording it. Maybe don’t buy him Ralph Lauren pants??

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Ooh, that's a tricky one. I don't think you should ever make comments like that around the kids, that's adult talk and they shouldn't be exposed to it. I've been a child who's had both parents and step parents make these kinds of comments and it hurt so much. But I can understand it's frustrating and hard to know what to say

I totally understand your frustration, however personally I wouldn’t have said that to a child or even around them

She talks to him about money stuff and actively influences him into like expensive brands and things that an 8 year old shouldn’t even care about, so I don’t see how that comment hurts? Especially when he knows, in this instance, that his teddy was quite cheap as he paid for it himself but then says things like “it’s too expensive (for his mum to buy one)”. It just doesn’t make sense to me…

I totally understand the frustration but I don’t think it’s appropriate to be saying those things to the child even if his mum talks about it to him. He’s an innocent child and as a step parent it’s not really your place to discuss those things with him. As annoying as it is you need to follow dad’s rules. Maintenance money is for essentials what essentials mum needs to spend it on is her choice.
Also, I don’t see the issue with him taking a Teddy he bought with his own money.
You don’t say but I’m of the opinion that you are hearing a small child’s view and you may not have the full picture of what the child has or doesn’t have at home.

Again I can get your frustration but two wrongs don’t make a right, I also don’t agree with mum doing that either as it’s not fair on the child l, children should never be involved in these types of conversations this is a conversation you and child dad need to have with his mum

You may think it's trivial because it's just about a teddy, but someone speaking badly about your mum as a child is very hard to hear

There’s obviously a lot of context that can’t fit in here. It’s not the fact that he is taking something that he likes with him. I guess I’m projecting a lot of frustration on how unfair the situation is, that we have always made an effort to provide for him and make sure he has the things he likes and that we support his interests, and then when he’s a his mums he can only get what she wants for him (eg clothing from expensive brands) and she will tell him lies about not being able to afford xyz. It’s not his fault, absolutely, he’s got no idea. It’s just really unfair on everyone involved

I’ve been in the exact same situation, step kids are always asking to take stuff back to their mums and we have to say no as it doesn’t come back or gets damaged. She makes them buy things like felt tips with their own money because she can’t afford it even though we pay her £200 a month and they are here just under 50% of the time. She gets tattoos or goes out drinking and buys clothes but then says she has no money. She didn’t work for over a year because she refused to lower her standards but got sacked for misconduct. Their dad has spoken to them about it previously as have I…it might not be the right thing to do but in that moment it was necessary and they are starting to understand it a bit more. We didn’t do it to be mean but to make a point that we work hard to provide for their needs and it isn’t reciprocated on their mums side and I do think it’s important they know that…you aren’t just being mean you are being honest. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it in my view x

Feel to message me if you want to rant as I completely understand your frustration x

Thank you, that sums it up perfectly! It’s not meant in a bad way at all! If I see that something would hurt him I would absolutely not do/say anything! I will inevitably overthink it 😅 but then next time it happens I will probably think twice before saying anything

I understand why you're annoyed, you need to set boundaries but at the same time they are his belongings. Ask him to bring them back.

I don't think you should have said what you said but maybe your partner can speak to his mum about it

Don’t worry about the comment you said, it’s difficult to always speak positively when frustrated but I would try not to make a habit of it. When my SD has asked things of us I have said before that perhaps she could ask mummy as we pay for everything else, and then I felt bad afterwards! Xx

@Samantha it feels horrible doesn’t it? I don’t like saying no, it doesn’t hurt anyone for him to take a toy, but its hard to set a boundary cause he is still young and doesn’t get the actions/consequences yet. And his mother is impossible to speak to, so you can’t do anything 🤷🏼‍♀️

My SD always says to take things back to her mums, and says oh I don’t have anything like that at home/no mum says it’s too much money.
But I talk to the mum and she definitely does have things like that at home 😅

I wouldn’t have made that comment, as that’s his mum you are talking about, but understand the frustration completely!

I just set boundaries and she knows that the stuff here is dads stuff and she has her separate things at her mums! Xx

I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all x

I think that if it is his toy he can take it wherever he wants. They are his things regardless of who buys them.

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