MIL wants to come on holiday instead of our nanny
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I don't think she needs to replace the nanny but could y'all help her go on the trip? I think MIL is obviously going about it the wrong way but I do understand her side of wanting to be on the trip and be apart of the memories.
Yeah no way would I be taking MIL rather than the nanny. Maybe next time MIL calls upset or says she want to come explain that the only way you would be willing to take her instead would be to draw up a contract of employment and she would need to sign it understanding that she would be the “paid help” and you would then list everything you expect her to do, hours she would be responsible for the kids and make her understand it wouldn’t be a holiday for her and that it would be work! Once she understands that she will probably change her tune. BUT just in case she says she would sign it and go along with the contract (which we all know she wouldn’t want to actually do once you get away) list every time she has given the kids back early, has tried undermining you ect ect and explain that if she breaks the contract there would be consequences like would have to pay a proportion of the money you would have paid to take her ect.Then reiterate taking the nanny is a WORK relationship
I can understand why she'd want to come but I can also understand why you'd want a break from her so I think you should hang in there and stand firm. If husband wants mom to go so bad, he would spend the money himself and if he didn't have it he'd save it if it's that important to him. If you get to that point, maybe it's worth re-evaluating but until then hang in there!
Just tell him to tell her it wouldn’t be fair bringing her along to work the whole time, long and unsociable hours when you were all having a good time and going out and you would feel weird and uncomfortable about it.
If she comes, she isn’t a nanny, she’s a grandmother. So choosing her to come and expect the same tasks will set you up to be upset. If she is to come, it’s either you give up on the nanny idea or it’s both of them. Don’t get me wrong my family is different from my husbands. My mom and MIL are opposites and if I had to chose which vacation I’m more comfortable on it’s with my parents of course. If you need a break from her then maybe this isn’t the trip, but one day in the future I would bring her along.
Stay firm, tell him you actually want a holiday hence taking the nanny along, and if he wants his mum to come she can either pay for herself or he can help her with expenses himself, but not at the detriment of your holiday with your parents. Explain that she would not be happy to stay in whilst you all go out for dinners, drinks etc, and she defo would not want to supervise the kids at ski school etc when you are all out doing things too. If she wants to actually have a holiday with you guys she needs to pay for it, or at least be honest and say she wants to come but needs financial help with it. This roundabout way isn’t the right way, it’ll ruin everyone’s trip. If you frame it like she’s being dishonest it’ll make him question her re actually looking after kids. I completely sympathise with the weird single mum/son dynamic, I have the same issue here! It’s v frustrating. Good luck, hope you have a great trip! X
@Dani if she isn’t paying for herself… why should someone else? No objections to anyone coming on the trip as long as they pay!
It’s not as simple as ‘if she isn’t paying why should I’, you kinda need to take into consideration how you’d feel if the roles were reversed. That’s his mother, in his eyes she’s brought him up single handed, whether she can do wrong or not, it’s the level of respect and appreciation he has for her. If between you and your husband you can afford to pay for MIL to go on the trip to then why wouldn’t you? Would you pay for your own mum if you could and she didn’t want to miss out?
@Raquel don’t really know why the poster should have to pay for her MIL though, it’s not really her responsibility to pay cause she can’t afford to go 🤷♀️ also your comment about caring for her own kids is just rude!
But, is it really about the money? If you exclude her from this trip what other trips and events will she be not allowed to join? If she can't afford to go. That man loves his mom and I am sure it would mean the world to him if you paid for her to come.
@Atlanta @Danisure she could take her sometimes. But if you have read her other posts the mom is always trying to get free trips out of them and have them pay for things for her. She shouldn’t expect that all the time.
Sounds to me like it's a trip your parents have invited you on, why would your MIL feel the need to go along too unless she's particularly good friends with your parents? A paid nanny is very different to bringing MIL along as you've said. Your nanny is an employee with a job description. As other posters have said, your MIL isn't going to be staying in every night with the kids, she's gonna wanna go out with you guys 🤷♂️ which defeats the object of bringing her instead of the nanny. It does kind of feel like she's pushing for you guys to pay for her... Which isn't okay... Would your parents try to butt in on a holiday with your MIL if the roles were reversed?
@Janea that's when she needs to set boundaries, I deal with that from both mothers and I have paid for trips and other things but it's always on my husband and I terms. They can't go on trips when they want but I have invites them and paid for them to come when we want to because family is important to both of us. And yes of course the mom will naturally want a piece of the lifestyle that her son is living. It's important to set boundaries not create division.
@Janea this lady is on incognito so I can’t see no previous posts from her…
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All her posts are. But it’s usually centered around things like this. @Neve
A lot of people here are bitter that she doesn’t want to pay for her MIL to join the holiday. If she’s used to having nanny to care for her kids every day, why wouldn’t she need the same help on holiday? Why would she make it difficult for herself and bring MIL instead? Lol. MIL clearly doesn’t listen to her and she clearly does not want to spend her holiday with MIL so why would she pay for someone to ruin her holiday? I would never ask my partner to pay for anything for my family. If I want my mum there, I’ll pay for her trip myself. The MIL and husband can plan another trip that’s within their budget to go to.
Nope. It’s not that hard to tell @Neve
@Raquel I’d care for my kids on vacation of course! But it’s also nice to be able to go out for dinner with your husband after kids’ bedtime or to be able to ski as adults, whilst kids are at ski school! Nanny isn’t a must but certainly a nice to have, so we’ll take her 100%
It sounds like the MIL is essentially feeling left out. Although as another poster has said, I think I have read some of your posts before and it very much sounds like she often tries this sort of tactic. Could you perhaps go on a cheaper alternative trip with MIL and nanny so you can all enjoy that time and she can pay her own way?
@Vanessa or another alternative... MIL could pay her way and go as an addition.
@Atlanta 1) I don’t want her there so why should I pay for something that would make the holiday less enjoyable 2) generally in life if you can’t afford something you don’t get it, if I offer to pay for everyone who fancies it but doesn’t have the funds I’d be filling the whole hotel up
@Neve I understand what you are saying but essentially there is a disparity in lifestyle affordability here. I am in the situation where most in my family earn more than I could ever dream and as such do things together at a price tag that I simply can't afford. But as a functioning adult my answer is not to attempt emotionally guilt trip them into taking me along for a free ride. I either save up or simply accept that it is unfortunate that I cant take part due to my own financial situation. Do I feel I am missing out - yes. But why should everyone else pay for me? Its not their problem I don't earn as much.
@Louise we’ve clearly had different upbringings, neither right nor wrong. As someone who earns more money than other members of the family but equally others earning the same/more than me. I cannot understand how people feel pleased with themselves knowing they have quite obviously singled out a member of the family due to financial status. No one has offered to lend the money to mil so she can go and pay monthly ect. My mil can’t afford things we do but if we are doing it as a family and I can comfortably afford to fund her place then she’s coming, no discussion to be had.
@Neve My family do offer to pay for me. However, I feel strongly that we can't all just have whatever we want in life and expect others to pay for it. Additionally, it sounds like this lady has a trip planned with her parents. Sometimes mixing across families just inst compatible. This lady doesn't want her MIL there, so why should she offer to cover the cost? And from other post of her's this is clearly not an isolated incident. To what extent should she fund a lifestyle for her MIL that the MIL makes not attempt to contribute towards herself? Its a sad fact that the financial inequality in life means some have to miss out on occasion. But life inst fair. Usually we learn this as children. There are aspects of my life that others in my family who are more well off don't have. Should I then start cutting back in these areas to make it more balanced for the others?? I don't want to and they would want me to... because we are all grown ups and accept thats just how life is.
@starseedxx 👏
I’ve read your posts before. Does your husband plan special occasions with her too (even if it’s less expensive). To me it feels like she just wants to experience the nice family occasions that you do with your family.
Sounds like MIL was excited her son married rich and wants to reap the benefits with out the personal connections with making friends with you and your parents. Plus probably is also upset because her son (even tho he married you who is rich) cannot pay for everything and let her retire
Re-reading this and now it's more clear than ever the issue isn't even w your mil but your husband. I reiterate that you've gotta stand firm w him and insist on taking who you want to take. Let your mil whine and complain in the end it's your husband who has to understand.
@Neve I’d happily lend her the money to pay for the trip but she would be able to repay unless we make it over quite a few years
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@Louise but as you have said yourself your family do offer to pay for you. This is my point your family offer because they want you there, whether you accept/decline on your own personal qualities is your call. This lady doesn’t even offer for her MIL. I don’t think mixing families on a trip is the problem here and never will be. By the sounds of it she never has and never will find her MIL lifestyle…my stance is either do something cheaper that MIL can afford to join in with or just invite her along on one of the breaks, lend her the money, offer to pay half ect. But that doesn’t happen either so she is constantly being left out on her grandchildren’s life
Wow this thread went off the rails gonna mute this now but I hope everyone remembers we're here to support each other as mothers bc this is a hard job that takes a lot and regardless of where you fall on the income bracket, we can all relate to mil who we don't wanna spend more time w than necessary but cool that some ppl seem to have all the answers esp about someone else's life. Op, best of luck to you and yours, hope everything works out and have a good trip!
Life is short so be happy and do what's best for you. I personally think you just don't want your MIL to come on the trip and that is ok if you need a break from her. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into paying for her to be there if that's not what you want. Get her a nice souvenir when you are returning home 😊😉.
@Neve I do agree that they could do another trip which is cheaper and take the MIL and I did mention that in one of my earlier replies. But I think the deeper issue her is that pattern of behaviour from the MIL as shown by other posts that are clearly the same person. And you say about my family offering to help me. They do, however if I constantly expected them to fund that sort of lifestyle for my and through a fit when they refused, their response would be very different. And it appears this ladies MIL falls into this camp. So I completely get it tbh. A simpler example in my life - I don't drink and dont have any children. As a consequence every time we went out there was the expectation from some of my friends that when we went out I would ALWAYS drive and drop them off. They never asked. Always assumed. One night I decided I didn't want to drive but still didn't want to drink. One of these friends was so nasty to me all night about it all night!
If you won’t enjoy the holiday with her there then definitely say no and taking her a read of a nanny is definitely a no. Like others have said though it sounds like she is feeling left out but is going about it the wrong way. Could you say that this holiday is already arranged but you can do a holiday or weekend away at a later date with just her?
He’s in the wrong for sure. You’re paying the nanny for her services . I’m pretty sure I’ve read other posts from you, it always seems like your MIL wants a free ride. She can’t be offering to do stuff like that then just give the kids back. Your husband doesn’t seem very understanding and needs to explain that to his mother. No reason you guys should have to argue over it.