Any advice for dealing with a persistent slightly dismissive MIL.

Sounds like my MIL your partner needs to set boundaries with his mum or it will probably get a lot worse once baby is here (from my experience)

@Charlotte my partner is supportive of my feelings and has tried to enforce this with her but she doesnt seem to take notice of anything he has said

This is literally sounding like my MIL. It’s a control issue. My partner told her to back off but she makes everything about her whenever we have news or something happens in our pregnancy. Best thing to do is always put you and the baby first! If she can’t respect that she needs to learn that lack of respect means less time with you or baby. Only way we got anywhere with MIL

I’m glad your partner is supportive that really helps. For us it was the same. She doesn’t listen to us either so it means she doesn’t see us and our son much. We see her maybe once a month.

@Amber thats what im worried about. I dont want to exclude her from things but she’s tried to guilt trip us and its not fair to feel like that on top of the other stresses of pregnancy

Just got to take control of a situation, I get you completely. I’ve had nothing but stress since we got pregnant as everything had to be told like she did in her day.. and I feel like I can’t say anything half the time as it’s not my family. Way I see it now is this is your new family and you shouldn’t let anyone interfere with a new thing in your life, set boundaries and stick with them. If they don’t respect that, don’t respect them. Brutal but I feel that’s the only way for us, no matter what you’ll do they will judge or guilt trip anyway! Xxx

I’m not sure if I follow. You don’t want them to know you are pregnant at all or just not yet and then what about when the baby comes? I understand you might not be close with them but presumably she has some relationship with her siblings or nieces and nephews? Do you have particular concerns about her siblings knowing that she is going to be a grandmother? I’m sure it’s a lot for her to keep from them without there being a particular reason.

My MIL was the same and she does not understand boundaries. She actually showed up at my birth many states away despite my wishes. My advice would be to be nice and include her in what you can, but to keep the personal information that you share with her to a minimum. Even when you go into labor, just keep what you share to a minimum.

I’ve either read this wrong or I disagree with most other comments. Your mother in law is probably really excited to be having a grandchild and wants to talk about it with her brother/sister? It’s kinda putting her in an awkward position of ‘not being allowed’ to tell them, when they find out it’s also probably going to be awkward for everyone, I’d imagine they will find it strange that you didn’t want to tell them.. I know there might be much more of a back story to this but from the base story you have given I kinda agree with your MIL, we have lots of family we only see at events and then it’s “hey how are you? How’s things” kinda chat but I wouldn’t expect my mum/MIL not to tell her sibling she was going to be a granny

We didn’t tell many people about our pregnancy until our 20 week scan because we had previous losses. Ultimately once I started to show we had to accept that we no longer had control over who knew and who didn’t. If every person you meet is going to be able to tell soon, what is it specifically about your family knowing you that you find stressful?

We told my husbands sister first, and his mom overheard me talking to her and tried to pressure me into telling her I was pregnant. When I wouldn’t, she got mad at me and stormed off. When we did tell her a week or two later, we told her that she was the 2nd person to find out and we were on our way to his grandmas house to tell her. We were 10 min from his grandmas house when we hung up the phone and she called the grandma in that time to tell her that we were pregnant. It was very frustrating and upsetting, and although that action wasn’t “fixed” emotionally for us, we did create more distance with her and have kept her less informed because of her lack of boundaries. So I’d say make it clear that if she says something what y’all would change about your relationship with her because of it. She may tell them anyway if she doesn’t believe you, but sticking firm to what y’all decide as the “consequence” might help y’all emotionally, but also potentially help for how she’d act post birth

@Kate whilst im pregnant, i dont want anyone else to know. Im feeling a lot of anxiety about the pregnancy and at the moment i dont feel comfortable with anyone who is not in my support network to know incase things go wrong. She is very close to one of her sisters in particular which i think is why she is so persistent as she’s said she wants to talk about it. And though I appreciate she’s excited, i dont want our news to be discussed with people that pay no interest in our lives currently.

@Laura i understand that she is in a difficult position, but it also puts us in an awkward position as if she tells them, we have said we dont want them to message us. The pregnancy so far has been quite unpleasant and i dont want to discuss it with people im not close to. Admittedly and maybe harsh but we are not fussed how they feel about finding out. My partner really struggles with them and has done for years but attends events and plays nice for his mums sake. Of course there is more of a history than ive explained but the struggle is that he and i see family very differently to her. In my case its just a word if theres nothing to support the concept and it doesnt mean you are entitled to anything. I dont know if maybe im a bit hardened to this situation

@Ann my issue is that they play no part in our life and the opinions of the other members and MIL are forced upon us. Which is most unwelcome for us as new parents. Though i am showing, we wont see them until some other family event which chances are baby will be here by then.

Thank you all for your comments its helping me try to look at the situation from a different perspective. Ultimately i feel like i want to be in control of what information is shared and amongst who. For reference we have told his parents, his brother, his grandparents, my parents, my brother and sister, my nan, my aunt (who ive been close to all my life) and our close friends. I have a grandad, 3 aunts/uncles and their children that dont know either as it doesnt feel right for us based on our relationships.

@Marissa thank you for sharing. Its really hard to have her putting pressure on us at such a vulnerable time. And its hurtful to see my partner so upset and angry with her for her behaviour. I dont want to fall out or cut her out of things but it feels shes making it about her when ultimately its about whats best for us and our baby.

Personally I think you're being a bit unfair to your mil. I agree with others that she just wants to share her exciting news with her family. That is that she is going to be a grandma, not that you are pregnant. It might be hard, but those are kind of two different pieces of news. Just because she tells them, doesn't mean they'll message you. And just because they message you, doesn't mean you have to engage in conversation with them. Personally I think maybe give it another week or two and then tell her that you don't want any "announcement" but its no longer a secret. That's the strategy we took. Nothing was ever put on Facebook, but if my mum or dad ran into someone in town and they asked "how are you, how's the kids" they were able to say, "yeah, Great, we're going to be grandparents" "oh lovely,which one?" "Charlotte!" And that's about how it would go.

@Charlotte thank you for your perspective. Its hard cus although i can understand its exciting news for her to be a grandma, i cant shift my feelings on its our baby our news. And i do hear how selfish that sounds. I’ll definitely sit on it for a bit longer and see how our next scans go

@ash although they are ‘family’ by relation, they are not what i consider family by nature. And i guess im struggling with why they need to know when they have no interest in us. If i think about telling them if just makes me feel really uncomfortable

@ash I appreciate that but they wont have a relationship anyway because we dont see them. We dont have a relationship with his cousins daughter but i dont feel she is missing out as she doesnt know us. It works both ways and i dont believe telling them will benefit us or our child