Help, bio mom trying to get back in my son's life

He's 7. He gets to have a say in whether he sees her or not. You can have your opinion, biomom can have hers, but at the end of the day it is his choice whether he wants a relationship with her or not. Personally, I would consult with his care team and see if they recommend a visit

Have you adopted him?

How did you get him?

Ask him what he wants. Not trying to be mean but y’all’s opinions are y’all’s. It’s his decision

Is he legally adopted/foster? How did you get him?
Regardless, 7 years old is old enough to decide for himself and if you take that decision away from him, (coming from much experience) he will be very angry with you later and it will severely damage the relationship you have with him. ADHD and autism doesn’t mean that this life event will make him lose his mind. Kids can handle much more than we think and like I said, he’s definitely old enough to decide for himself if he wants to meet her.
-sincerely
Chella (adhd, autistic, and im now an EI for early childhood education, and I also grew up in foster care and was adopted)

He doesn't know who she is at all

She dumped him at a motel my husband was working at (1-5inn) very ghetto, when he wasn't there and people started calling him after a few hours of them realizing she isn't coming back , so my husband and I went to go pick him up and we had him ever since @Indy

@Katie we are in the process but I just worry if they will grant her visits still and I'd there is something we could do to not give her visits


@ikea he is a very different t child , he has alot of troubles and his mentality is not all the way there he reacts to things by negative actions, this will mentally break him and no one knows what he would do to himself or others

@Charlotte I understand what you mean but he doesn't have a say realistically because he is a minor and he is also not in the right state of mind mentally , he also knows nothing about her he believes I'm his biological mom and of course we plan on telling him but not yet , he isn't mentally prepared at all , even his psychiatrist agrees that this will ruin ALL PROGRESS we have made for him on making himself feel better ,

He has an EXTREMLY HIGH PROBLEM OF ACCEPTING NEW CHANGE AND HOW TO COPE WITH IT , that's the biggest worry with him right now

We are in the process of adopting him , also she is on drugs and would just hurt him again she literally told me she doesn't want him we can keep him , she just wants him for all holidays and birthdays . But she doesn't want him . Like wtf? . You know? Like there's alot of our conversations that she was just so fucked up about him and selfish . That's going to hurt him so bad , he is an extremely emotional child @Chella

this is a hairy situation and I understand your desire to protect him, but especially if you are now going through the courts, if he finds out through the legal system and processes that you aren’t his bio mom, that will cause even more damage than you sitting down with him (AND his therapists) and sharing this information with him. You must do it in a therapist setting. He will find out on his own. The sooner you share the info with him the sooner he can begin the healing process.

I'm not sure of the laws in the US, but here (UK) if you adopt him, she loses all legal rights over him. He's protected until 18, his best interests are first priority so if you feel that's for her not to be involved then she can't see him and has no legal right to contact him.
Of course you could ask him for his opinion. What does he know of her, if anything?

@Chella I know that was also my worry was finding out through court ...

@Katie LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT HER , she dumped him and left...

@Cristina I would tell bio-mom that his psychiatrist believes it would be detrimental to his well being for her to pop up all of a sudden. Maybe start small, have her hang at the house as a "friend" and build a relationship with him that way

I get your struggle. Sounds like she is toxic. So I would protect him even if we're not blood related. But it all comes down to you and medical people in his care. I know 7 is good age, but that depends on a lot of so many different factors. If the mom is remotely mentally unstable, I would put boundaries up for your little one for his own protection. He is not all there completely to decide (or maybe he does, depending on his function) what is best.

@Charlotte THATS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID ! and I told her ! She said she doesn't care she's paying for him now (even though my husband and I don't want anything from her) and so "now that she is paying for him she might as well use him"


That is exactly what she said like wtf !? She literally doesn't care about him . Not once has she asked how is he doing.

I agree @Kollyn she is definitely very toxic

Could you speak to the CPS and see what they think? Maybe see if they can speed up the adoption process.
If he thinks you're his bio mum it would be incredibly confusing to tell him about her now. Seeing her would be an overload.

Exactly @Katie I'm trying but they are terrible at accepting calls and they don't have walk-ins

He’s 7 and doesn’t know what’s best. What do you people mean it’s his decision. In a court of law hes to young to make a decision. I was a step mom in similar predicament and the bio mom didn’t come see the kid for years and when she finally did it was a Disneyland mom cause it was for maybe a day. Easy to be a fun mom right. I didn’t have a say because i wasn’t the biological mother and had no rights .. it was my husbands and courts when they were in and out of court. It was frustrating because i raised her, i took care…Now as a teen she didn’t speak to her mom for three years. I set firm rules and when she broke them and was in trouble (16 years old) she decided she wanted to go see her mom and not come back because there’s no rules there. It’s frustrating when you put in all the work and then someone else gets all the credit and being told they are the best mom and I’m not mom anymore because I’m “mean” 😣 if you ever need to chat feel free to message me. I’ve been through this.

Omg thank you so much for saying that , that's exactly how I feel 😥 @Diana

As hard as it is to understand, most of the time a biological bond and relationship is whats best. I work in the foster care system, and the best outcomes, even if not ideal, are for children to be with their biological families. With that in mind, it may be best for him in the long run to try to have a relationship with her.

Holy shit. What a toxic, narcissistic person. Unless visitation is court ordered, don't allow it on her terms. Only on your terms. You are his parent and protector. Keep protecting him from her toxic bullshit.

I'm not sure I agree with you. I'm adopted, and 100% of the time would say I was better off with my adoptive family. I have my emotional/abandonment issues from it but children can get them from being in an incubator for the first few weeks of life and never having left their bio parents.
I never wanted anything to do with my bio family. I was my (adopted) mum and dad's and that was that.
She doesn't sound like she'd be a healthy part of his life. She doesn't want to be a part for him, just because she's paying for him so "might as well"... That's disgusting! And he may not fully understand the situation, it would be a complete mental shock to find out his mum isn't his bio mum. She raised him, she is his mum. The other woman dumped him like a piece of garbage! Who does that to their child!?

@Katie I couldn't say that any better thank you for understanding and supporting

Unless there’s a court order, don’t let her see him. Wait until you talk to an attorney