Just done

This is all just a vent. I don't want advice, shame, or words of encouragement. I wish I could put my May baby up for adoption. I feel like I am constantly failing this child over and over from the day of his birth when he landed in the NICU unexpectedly. I feel like we don't have the time or money or resources to raise him and our older child who has additional needs. This baby is never calm, never happy, never settled. He doesn't sleep and it feels like I offer him little comfort, even tho he always wants me touching him. I didn't even have a birthday theme for him because I have no idea about his likes or dislikes. I spend every moment of every day with him and I don't know what makes him happy. I've spent the last 2 hours holding/rocking/nursing/pacing him while he screams to the point of gagging. To add salt to the wound, the pediatrician gave him a clean bill of health 2 days ago. Nothing is wrong except that I'm his mom. I wish I could give him to someone who will let my mom still be his grandma, but also has the potential to be the parent he is soothed by. Someone who is overjoyed to hold his little hands and snuggle his little head and doesn't feel like it all weighs a million pounds. But I know my family would never understand or forgive me for giving him up.