Step dad touching me when I was younger
Hi. I’ve only posted this anonymously incase any family members or friends or anyone repeated sees this and it causes drama within the family usually I’m very open but this is just another level.
When I was probably around the age of 14-16 it was around the time my sister was leaving primary school and starting secondary school and I’m 2 1/2 years older than my sister so about the age of 14-16 my step dad used to touch me down there when my mum wasn’t around, she’d either be out shopping or in the flat and my dad would make up some excuse to take me down to the garage to help him (it was separate from the flat as we lived in a 12 story flat and rented the garage) so was never linked to the flat like garages are on houses etc and he would always close the garage door and make out with me and pull my trousers down and touch me there or put his hand up my dress which I was wearing and he wouldn’t just play he would put his finger up aswell. There were times where I would be sitting on the sofa in the evening watching tv (we had 2 separate sofas) he would come and sit next to me and grab a blanket and put it over him but so that it was always covering my feet (I always had my feet on the sofa like I do to this day) so that he could then rub his feet on my feet and my legs without getting caught whilst my mum was sitting on the other sofa and made me so uncomfortable. There was also another time where I’d finished school early for whatever reason and I’d come home (my mum worked in a primary school so same school hours) so there was some time before she came home and I remember sitting on the sofa and him coming up to me and rubbing me down there and putting his fingers in and then I remember him saying shall we go to the bedroom don’t worry I’ve got protection and I instantly freaked (it didn’t happen) but I really freaked out as I hadn’t lost my virginity. I didn’t lose it until I was 18 so that’s a good few years later down the line.
There was also another time we went to Liverpool (we live in Essex) as my sister had tickets to a netball tournament (she was really into netball at the time) but only had 2 so my mum went with her and that left me and my step dad alone for a few hours and we went back to the b&b we’re staying at and he would be tickling me and trying to put his hand down there again it came to the time we had to pick up my mum and sister from the tournament and I remember driving down the road and being allowed to sit in the front of the car and he put his hand on my leg like all couples do in a car and then he all of a sudden moved it and I saw a police car drive past in the lane next to us and once it was gone he put it back again.
I also remember him saying to me several times to not tell my mum and that it was our secret as we don’t want mum being upset. It lasted for probably about 6 months for what it feels like whether it was longer or not I have no clue but those are the things I remember. The question is do I report it or tell my mum now. I’ve reported my ex for sexual assault and it’s being looked into (there’s ongoing issues and currently 3 open police investigations open with him) but the thing is my mum and dad have been married just over 11 years now and they have a 5 year old aswell who’s my brother and adores his dad. I don’t want to then throw away my step dad to jail for something he done 10 years ago or so to me and make my brother no longer have a dad (me and my sister have a separate dad who physically abused us and my mum) and my mum to hate me for putting her in a difficult situation and for her to hate me for “lying” the thing is I don’t know if he ever done anything to my sister and I can’t ask her incase he didn’t and then all this comes out but at the same time I have my 4 year old daughter to look out for aswell and I dread to think if he would do something like that to her whilst it’s just them as she doesn’t completely open up sometimes if someone hurts her or does something they necessarily shouldn’t be doing because she’s scared to get the other person or herself in trouble. If he ever touched her my god I don’t care whether he’s my step dad or not I would really lose it he has done so much for me and my mum and our family to be honest that nothing has happened since that time so I feel like why report it or mention it to my therapist (I know she’ll tell the police as she has a duty of care) if everything is good now but at the same time I’m always worried and going to be worried about my daughter and my son when he’s old enough etc he’s just turned 1 atm. I just don’t know what to do. Do I just sit here and not say anything and get on with my life even though it’s been really playing on my mind a lot lately to the point I constantly think about it or so I report it because it was sexual assault and risk ruining the whole entire family and making my mum go through a potential divorce and being on her own with 3 of us and not working or risk my mum shutting me out completely because she thinks I’m lying and my children not having a relationship with their Nan. I really don’t know what to do. I thought I would come to you guys first before talking to my health visitor or therapist first.
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Don’t ever let your daughter with them alone he will do it..
I’m so sorry this happened to you. What an awful position to be in. The difficulty, whilst everything seems alright now, that’s because he was obviously very able to manipulate and convince you not to tell and would be the same to anyone else he abused. I totally understand you don’t want to tear apart your family, but that’s not on you, it’s on him. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about who he might abuse and what you would do if he did. The fact that he has been there for you doesn’t change the fact that he’s an abuser. I know it would be awful for your mum but it would be more awful if she found out one day and knew that you only didn’t say to protect her feelings. I would talk to your therapist as a starting point, you don’t have to name him so you can talk about your experience and concern before making a final decision but absolutely they will want to protect any children he would be around as they should. I would also talk to your sister as hard as it is,
As if he did abuse her too then you will know for sure you have to say something and if not then surely she will support you anyway. I would be heartbroken if it happened to my sister but I would definitely want her to tell me. I’m assuming she’s also an adult now?
Yes it is his fault not yours!! If your mom blames you that’s insane. He did this.
At this point I would assume he will do it if he is around your daughter. There should be no question ab it imo. That’s good you don’t allow her to be there if he is there. Even at family functions I would make sure he doesn’t sneak off w anyone underage..
Ok as someone who went the whole way when my uncle kept molesting me as a kid (5-12). I did the court thing etc. I had no idea my father's side wo turn against me. As an adult I found more supported me in silence and watched their grandkids etc around him...
I do NOT regret reporting it. But he was acquitted and they tried to say it was my dad. Ppl need to speak out and make sure they keep their kids an all future kids safe and away from these ppl. They do it over and over to most kids. I'm sure your sister got out after staying quiet and stays away. That was my plan too before I spoke out. I spoke out for my brothers and cousins- male or female. All can be targets. They are sick! They need to be stopped because they refuse to stop themselves.
None of this is the survivor's fault. ever! You were a child and in a position that was to be protected, NOT violated.
So sorry you too went through this xxxx
Your mom does need to know even if it hurts as she has another kid to protect and grandkids. Or care kids!
He should never ever be around your daughter. I would tell your mother if she doesn’t believe you then she should be out of your life and your daughters life because you and your daughter are not safe being around that man and that gets him out of your life and if she does believe you then it would get him out of your life because she would drop him to the curb.
You did not ‘allow’ it in anyway, of course you didn’t know it was wrong, someone who you loved and cared for took advantage of you and groomed you. It is not your fault. We can’t promise that your mum will understand, even though of course she should, but you are in no way wrong for speaking up about what happened to you to prevent further victims.
Yeah even my "dad" didn't believe me. His older brother and I told him first. We ended our relationship that day too. There were rumours in the family he did stuff to other nieces sooo... I have no relationship with him either. I'm fine with it. Rather solo than have 'family' like that near me etc.
Yeah it sounds like she was. I'd talk to her and chances are you guys may get very close. She may feel alone and stuff too. I know I asked my brothers as they grew if anything weird was done to them.
Thankfully not.
Whether you decide to report it or not, you need to speak up and never ever let your children around him. Protect children and speak out to help them. I guarantee you’re not the only one he’s done this too and as you’ve kept it quiet he will only become more confident in not getting caught. He will definitely do it to your children if he finds opportunity, you are not a threat to him
15 is still a child. Remember that. Be kind to yourself.
Oh i am so sorry this has happened to you 😢it sounds very awful! It was not your fault! You were a child and you have been groomed. I would definitely sit down and tell her about it all. I would also report it to the police because if your mum is planning to do childminding then these children are also at high risk! Under no circumstances would I recommend leaving your LO alone at their home even if he is at “work”. He might come home earlier and you wouldn’t know? He might plan to go home earlier and start grooming your child god forbid. So many possibilities for him as noone is watching him! Please please do report him to stop any further harm to anyone else. I am so sorry
You should grant yourself the same care and protection as you want for your children. That man being in your life must be very difficult and especially now you have kids.
I think speaking to your sister will help, it’s likely the same thing happened but if it didn’t she may have had more sense of what he was doing than you realise. I would hope she is supportive and then helps you take the next step. Whether that’s telling your mum or protecting other family members etc. I can’t say what I would do because it’s not me and I haven’t been in this situation, however you clearly want to protect your children no matter what. In my opinion it would be safer to make it known what that man did to you than if you didn’t. One day he may be around when you’re not and if your mum trusted him enough around you growing up she isn’t going to think twice about popping out to the shops and leaving your children with him.
I’m so sorry this happened, please take care of yourself x
Might be worth writing it in a letter to her and opening the door if you're unsure how to start the convo. Just make sure you tell her you will always believe her and are there to listen and she's not alone as you were hurt too. Hugs! Hope this goes ok for you and if not, remember you have done the best you can for you and your child. And that is what matters now as a mom + adult xxxx
I was sexually abused by my step dad from the age of 6 - 16. In my head my mum was in love with him and I didn't want to break her heart. At 15 I found out that he had attempted to abuse my elder sister (7.5 years between us). No one told me. If someone had told me when I was younger, I often wonder whether I would have reached out about it. Now he became emotionally and mentally abusive against my mum as I got older and my sisters and I manged to convince her to leave him. The day of leaving, we had a heart to heart and I sent her text while facing her telling her what had happened. She was so distraught I hadn't told her and felt like she hadn't protected me. I made her promise me she wouldn't tell my siblings and start a fresh life. She promised. However she got very drunk one night and told them. So they got the police involved etc. Which as a 16 year old who had kept it a secret for so long, this was extremely difficult for me. I spoke to the police, but didn't push it because I wasn't in the right head
Space to deal with it. My life had been turned completely upside down. He was put on the sex offenders list. My mum did confront him. His own mother told him she believed me over him and his health deterioted and is no longer around. So although a different ending, I do understand. But if they were still together today, there is no way I would put my child in that situation with even the possibility of him being able to touch her or him.
It's easier said than done, but you should tell your mum. Stop taking your daughter there. But you also need to get some support to deal with this trauma. I've had so much support, I've been lucky. But you need to put you and your daughter first before anyone. It's OK. If you ever want to talk, drop me a message. You can do this xx
I am sorry to break it to you but he might already be grooming or abusing your LO. I agree with the above commentator. You need to act ASAP if you don’t want the same happening to your child and potential other children. It’s sickening.
Please please please get the police involved and never leave your child there again 😢this is horrible
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