Just Stuck In My Head

I’m not sure if I’m experiencing postpartum depression… I love my son, I truly do but I get stuck in this loop of mourning my life prior to him. Granted my life prior to him wasn’t glitter and glam. My son’s sperm donor tried to kill me, this was before I even knew I was pregnant. He’s constantly stalking me to try and get in contact with me. So even if I didn’t land pregnant, I was going through a lot of bs but despite it all… I had my freedom. So if I wanted to sit in my car, smoke a blunt and cry for an hour straight I could. I can’t cry for more than 2 minutes without feeling guilty and like a failure to my son. The icing on the cake is, someone i’ve known for 4 years and been together officially for another year. Someone that stepped up and wanted to be a family with my son and myself. Someone who I had an extremely rocky past with but they stepped up and changed for us to be a family… well he just walked out one me a day after our 1 year anniversary. He took a “break” from us while I was still pregnant and again we have a very rocky past so I’m not too surprised but it still hurts nonetheless. It’s bothersome to not have time for myself to just cry it out and let myself feel these emotions.. constantly feeling like I have to be strong for my son and I is exhausting.