Text message to MIL

Please can I have some advice. I haven't seen my MIL for months because of her passive aggressive behaviour towards me and also talking badly about me to my husband. We have recently started having her over to see the kids with myself present but I find when she comes she will be so excited to see the our 3yr old daughter and 1 year old son that she won't greet me and will ignore me, on one occasion i asked if she's okay and then she told me she has high blood pressure. I was really concerned so I asked her to sit down and if she would like a glass of water she just look at me in surprise and continued talking to the kids. Also, that time when she came she was questioning if my mother has seen our kids. I said she has. She was also curious about whether my son has a middle name and I told her he was named after my dad (who passed away 7 years ago) she just shrugged and said Oh we never have to use that name. It's a Bible name so I'm surprised she wasn't keen on it since she likes to send me bible verses. I find when I mention my family she either doesn't respond or changes the subject, often to talk about their family. She is very proud of her roots and because I'm not from the same background she doesn't acknowledge or ask about my family. Sorry for the long message. Anyway she has sent a text message saying that she wants to see the kids, in it she talks about how she has been thinking about death and then ends with a Bible verse. Most of her messages will reference God especially when she wants to see the kids. (She will not speak about God in person) Having known from past experience I feel like she is being manipulative. Myself and husband are both working, he does shift work and I work part-time. I don't like these messages because I feel like she is trying to force or get us to do something. We have to work around our schedule, other family visits etc and can only accommodate when we can. I want to send this text message to her, please can you tell me if I should word it differently ( I do not want to continue to ignore this situation with my MIL, also my husband is not going to say anything to her) "Dear........Messages that compel us to see our children by using God or death. I will not engage in these kind of messages. I would like to ask that when you come to see us that we can maintain a positive environment for myself and my children. If you act unkind or disrespectfully towards me, I will call you out on it."

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Your message is quite blunt so could be read in an aggressive tilype of way.. I'd probably put it like.. "Dear MIL, in future we would appreciate if you could refrain from using God and death in messages when requesting to see our children. They make us uncomfortable and we will no longer be replying to such messages. You are more than welcome to see the children any time providing it fits in with our schedules. I would also like to address your somewhat disrespectful behaviour that you display towards me in our home, I would like it to stop because not only should I be able to feel comfortable in my home with guests such as yourself I also don't want my children growing up thinking that treating people unkindly is acceptable."

I agree with @Tarlia I think it's a perfect way to put it because nothing can be seen as an attack or aggressive here and she really can't say shit about it because you're setting a very reasonable boundary

@Tarlia Thank you for taking the time to write that out for me. You've said it beautifully.

@Sarah I agree 👍

No matter what you write she’s going to continue to judge you and be rude. So say whatever you want without insulting her or swearing. Directness gets a bad reputation but the upside is it can very rarely be misinterpreted. Maybe what you said seems a little blunt but it’s also exactly what you’re feeling. I think either way it’ll make no difference except if she’s passive aggressive and you threaten to call her out, she may want to avoid confrontation and she may soften a bit. She won’t like you. At least not now. Some people come around with time and age. But she seems like a real……. Christian 😵‍💫 not.

I think Tarlia's message is great! You mention your husband won't say anything to her- why? Is he scared of the consequences or does he not agree that her behaviour is inappropriate? It's hugely inappropriate, especially ignoring you. It's not okay... Really, your husband needs to back you up here, and even speak to her himself, otherwise things definitely won't change. He needs to present a united front with you, otherwise it's just going to keep being an impossible battle. If she wants to see the children she needs to show some respect to their mother. Also, what she's doing re: God sounds like spiritual abuse. It's not okay, and I also find it odd that she doesn't speak about God in person :/ do you have a church you can reach out to about this? Feel free to message me. Words about death are not acceptable when speaking about seeing your children. Also sounds like the verses might be being quoted out of context, but I can't be sure without seeing them. Calling her out on this in a specific way ...

...that is, stating the actual context, might help xx

My MIL's message: I was surprised to read that I have been recently disrespectful, as I dont recall any of it, so I would apreciate if you can tell me, there on the day, when I said something inappropriate and offensive so I can apologise and be aware of such inappropriate behaviour and I agree with you that I don’t want my grandkids thinking it’s ok to mistreat people. I’m only looking to be part of my grandkids' life and create memories with my family. I’m truly sorry if, in the past, I have made you feel uncomfortable. So I would be very grateful if you could make me aware there and then so we can move forward. But if you would rather put on hold my visits to your home, I completely understand, and my son might find the time to arrange a couple of hours to meet with my grandkids. By all means, I don't want to impose, and neither makes you feel uneasy with my presence in your home.

This is my MIL response to the message. I'm not surprised that she said she is not aware of any of the disrespect. It is hurtful because in the past when I wrote to her and told her how she was behaving towards me and she told me husband it is 'all in my head'. I know that all these messages via text aren't helpful and I should talk to her in person. I feel in text messages it's different to what I experience from her in person. Any advice on how I move forward and maybe have a better understanding or boundaries with her?

@Eloise my husband has given up on talking to her, he gave her my number so we can deal with things between us. My husband tells me his mum is who she is and she is not going to change.

Take her text and roll with it. Next time she’s rude remind her of her own words in that text. Next time she comes over, speak to her first so she’s obligated to acknowledge you. Sounds like she should snap to it now. I KNEW she was passive and wouldn’t like confrontation and just apologize and be petty. Lol. Fine. Roll with it. Pretend you believe her and act like it. Hold your head high. Also her comments about not wanting to come by are jokes. She says she has no idea she was rude yet says I can refrain from going over lol. Anyone who believes they didn’t do anything wrong wouldn’t ever suggest that. She’s afraid of you now since you called her out and she’s trying to hide away by suggesting she doesn’t come over IF YOU don’t want her too. Lmao. That way YOURE the b*tch who denied her coming. Lies. Answer her that of course she’s welcome and you look forward to talking with her in person. BAHAHAHAH

@Aly it just feels like she will say anything to not acknowledge how she treats me. I need to communicate my boundaries, if she's not aware of what she does then it will continue. I'm trying to figure out how best to approach this situation in order to move forward

Y’a you’re totally right. Boundaries are ok! She’s definitely deflecting for sure. I hope you come up with a plan that works for you. It’s a hard situation but I’m glad your husband is cool with you taking a stance of your own. T

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