Second child so the novelty’s worn off?

Hi everyone, Just looking for some advice. My partner has a teenage child from a previous relationship, and we just had our baby 5 months ago (my first). My mental health hasn’t been great lately and I’m completely burnt out. I’m not from Ireland and have no friends or family here, but message with my friends and family back home daily. So I’m aware of the fact I’m probably hyper sensitive at the moment. It feels like “the novelty” has worn off for my partner of us having a baby. I have to ask him to do anything with her, and when he offers say “I think she’s wet her nappy” it roughly translates to “you need to change her nappy” but he’d never say that, it’s just the vibe he gives off. We take it in turns to do “the night shift” and 9 times out of 10 he just sleeps through unless I wake him up (multiple times) and tell him she’s crying, hungry, etc. He does very little around the house in terms of cleaning, by very little I mean he may put a load of washing and hang it up once or twice a week (he’d never put it away though). I love playing with our little girl, reading to her, buying her clothes/books/toys/equipment/etc, we’re just starting weaning so that’s been exciting. But he’ll just hold her for say 15/20 minutes a day while he scrolls his phone. It’s heartbreaking because she’s a daddy’s girl through and through and her eyes light up just at the sight of him. But he just doesn’t seem interested. I’ve been told he was an amazing dad for his first so I’m assuming the novelty has just worn off and because it’s not his first it’s not as exciting for him. He’s not neglectful or anything, but he doesn’t seem to take joy from being around her like I would assume a dad would. Most recently, I’ve been really sick for about a week or so, nothing drastic just a really bad cold and sore throat, but obviously just got on with it. He’s got bit of a scratchy throat and as such feels that excuses him from any responsibilities. Bear in mind he’s apparently “really I’ll at the moment” yet was well enough to do a 6 hour round trip to go to the football last night. He cannot take criticism at all (which he’s admitted himself) so I can’t say any of this to him. What can I do to get him interested in her again? Any tips? (Please keep any nasty comments to yourselves, I’m going through the ringer as it is, and that sort of thing just wouldn’t be helpful right now 😔)

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@Emma thank you. I’m due to go back to work in a few weeks and because of his shifts he’s going to be alone with her half the time. I’m dreading it cause I’ve just got images of her just being left on her own in front of the tv all day

Hopefully my comment will help bring a different perspective, but from what I am reading, I am thinking maybe you guys need to focus on yourselves, as your relationship as a team of 2 first? Maybe he doesn't help cause he doesn't feel 'part of it'? You sound like you are really together, even though it is super hard, and maybe you don't show your vulnerability enough to him? (I say that because I have a tendency to be like that myself). On the other hand, another idea that comes to mind is before you go back to work, could you see if someone else could help with your baby girl ad hoc,or for a few days, in case you feel he's actually not ready to do the right things with your girl alone?

I'm sorry what you go through. Not sure if it is only recently he has not helped around house since you have been on maternity leave or if he was always like that. I think the dynamic will change if you go back to work then it is is not seen as your sole responsibility like society makes it out. If anything he will appreciate what it takes to look after the baby and do other stuff too. It's been a while since he had his child so he might have forgotten it takes a village. There is one thing to not take criticism but is he expecting for you to never say anything at all. Think you need to talk to each other. Both your lives has changed drastically and it takes adjustment. Also it's not easy without having your loved ones around but good you can talk to them and not bottle it all up.

@Marjory thanks Marjory, that’s really helpful to see it with a pair of fresh eyes. I’ve told him a few times I’m struggling but don’t like to lay it on too thick because he’s got his own stuff outside of us going on (family stuff, etc). We were trying to find somewhere for littlen to go but the fact we only need part time we couldn’t get her in anywhere (we started looking when I was 4 months pregnant). His family all work and I don’t like the idea of leaving her with a stranger

@Niki thanks Niki, that’s true. His child is a teenager now and when she was little he had his family to help (his mum loved kids and worked at a nursery so was extra help). So maybe he’s just forgotten. We had a talk this weekend and he says things like “I know it’s hard without your family here” but then never actually backs his actions. He knows my lack of socialisation gets to me a lot, but never arranges anything with his friends and their partners for example and he knows I get on really well with all of them. I said to him this weekend he prioritised football over her in the past and his argument was it’s not the football but his daughter (they’ve bonded over football recently) so he doesn’t want to let her down. Which I understand more now

Yeah it sounds like it is hard to find a place in crèche/with nanny (not there yet myself) but keep looking and stay positive! And then as you mentioned you both have 'baggage' to carry (you being far from your own support system and his stuff going on) and it is important to acknowledge that. Could you potentially have family coming over to you for a while to help, as a win-win scenario for you? It's great you know you are at a vulnerable spot now, so you are aware, and that you still manage to talk with him. Communication is key! Best of luck for finally getting your well deserved rest and to keep looking on the bright side🤞

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