I made a stupid decision 😓

Sorry guys this long…strap in. I’ve never had a good relationship with the mother of my fiancé’s children. I’m sure it’s expected that I will say she is an absolute nightmare but she truly is 😣 she can’t manage her finances,despite cheating the benefits system 🙄 and it’s been a constant issue that she literally BEGS him to lend her money on a regular basis,which she never pays back, and he has to take out of the following weeks maintenance, which then leaves her short again and the cycle continues. She doesn’t work but her partner does. My partner has always paid maintenance and additionally pays for a school bus pass, school uniforms, shoes,treats. He’s more than fair. But when it comes to school, she just doesn’t take them. (Eldest is now in secondary so goes via the bus pass we buy him.) youngest still needs to be taken, but her attendance overall for the past year and beyond is somewhere between 20-30% - no joke! She has no long term illnesses,her mother just has lazyitis.the local authority have even taken her to court over it but that’s had no effect.my partner starts work at 6am so can’t help,so I offered to take her 3 mornings per week. This cuts into my work hours so I have to work over but I feel it’s important to make sure she’s in school. Anyway…onto what I did wrong. There was a discussion on the way to school a few weeks ago,a totally innocent conversation about mine and his recent holiday. Child somehow got the wrong end of the stick and went home telling her mum that I said something that I absolutely DID NOT say 😥 mother has obviously kicked off and nobody would speak to us to try and iron it out. We asked to pop round and all have a chat together, this was flat out denied. I’ve been so upset as I feel really hard done by tbh. So when I took her to school yesterday I decided to chat it through with her. I reassured her she had done nothing wrong but it was just a simple misunderstanding. but here’s the bad decision. I recorded the conversation on my phone, purely so that if anything came of it,I could say this is exactly what I said. Well child clocked this and told her mum and all holy hell has broken loose. My partner already was having difficulties with the kids as they haven’t wanted to see him for weeks,and now she’s saying they don’t want to see either of us at all,or even at Xmas,and it’s all my fault and I hope I’m happy with myself. I’m so upset. I’m mortified that my partner won’t get to see his children at Xmas potentially because of me. I know it wasn’t my brightest idea but I honestly couldn’t think of any other way to make sure what I said was heard and understood exactly how it was meant. Child even admitted she got it wrong and this has all come from such a silly misunderstanding but I’m so upset. Mother is threatening to call the police and my work 😓

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Would appreciate any advice 😥

That’s a toughy. I think you need to step back and leave it between them 2 to sort out. It was wrong what you done. I’d be furious if my partner was with someone else and they recorded them. It looks manipulative. I understand why you thought in the moment to do it though.

Because the conversation is for personal use, it isn't against the law. The police won't do anything and she won't call them because it will shine a light with CPS. If she withholds the children, you can threaten court. And if she carries on being a tool threaten to stop lending her money and tell her partner. It was a simple mistake but just be wary around that kid in future it appears that they like gossip and tattle x

Personally, this sounds like a deeper issue with mum than just you.. please try and lift some of that guilt, being a step parent is hard! But recording was a step too far. Try not to engage in any lengthy messages at the moment.. give mum some space to ‘cool off’ Is there any court orders in place? See if your fiancé can just send a simple message to get them and only them to chat.. if that doesn’t work and this continues then mediation is the next step.. from what you’ve said about mum I wouldn’t be surprised if you get a letter from CMA for full maintenance in the meantime. In regards to Christmas, Christmas can be any day.. me and my husband did it in Feb this year for last year.. try and let things cool down for the rest of the week and try again beginning of next week would be my advice x

Personally if there's an order in place for him to see his kids and she denies him access take her back to court and bring up the fact the kids don't go to school. They deserve better they really do. Yeah it wasn't smart to record the child but you did what you thought was best in the moment it just accidentally backfired. I'd stay out of any drama between mum and dad from now on too and not talk about you and dad to the child and just keep it all about them when you do see them. Kids are easily manipulated by parents so it wouldn't surprise me if she told mum the truth and it was manipulated to suit the mums needs

Thanks ladies. I do know what I did was wrong but in the moment it was the only thing I could think to protect myself from further repercussions in case things were taken the wrong way again…how that backfired!! It was about recording ME- what I said to her so nothing was misunderstood. But I totally understand it was an overstep on my part. There’s no legal order, but he has PR. She says the kids decide whether they want to come and they of an age where they can decide for themselves so we feel so stuck. She definitely manipulates the situation but I just don’t know what else to do

I totally understand why you recorded the conversation and don't personally think it was wrong. I have a dash camera in my car so technically all conversations are recorded all the time in my car. You did it for your own protection and weren't planning on using it against anyone (in court for example). It's hard, because you're a step parent, but I think you and your partner should consider taking her to court and getting an official order in place, maybe 50/50 custody and definitely bring up that they are only going to school because of you guys and when in mum's charge their attendance was so low. It has potential to be seen as a low blow, but ultimately the kids need to come first, and if that's how it is, then this information should be provided for the courts to make the right decisions.

@Charlotte thank you hun. I do feel it was wrong of me and I will hold myself accountable for that but over the past 4 years I’ve been nothing but kind to these kids and it’s constant tale telling about the stupidest of things which I get wronged for and I’m just sick of words being put in my mouth. There’s so much more than I wrote in this post but for example once I had a long soak in the bath as I was really struggling with period pain…they went home and said I don’t love them and I don’t want to spend time with them! We had to go round the house for a meeting because she kicked off about that too! At one point I would only leave the living room if the kids were playing elsewhere because otherwise I’d be accused of not wanting to be around them. I felt like a prisoner in my own home, it’s utterly ridiculous! Because the kids are old enough to decide if they want to come, any court order we get will be useless unfortunately. They just won’t come. And tbh she’d ignore it anyway 🙄

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