Advice on how to tell family about pregnancy after SIL miscarried 5 months ago

Hi lovely. I have been in your sister in law’s position. I don’t really want to write all about it on here as it’s still quite sensitive, but feel free to message me privately if you’d like 😊 x

I would tell your brother and SIL in private and not in front of other family. And just let them know you love them. 💗

Telling them first would be the best way, and then allowing them space to be as involved or not as they want to be. It will be hard but they will be excited for you too. It just might come and go in waves.
Good luck it’s really hard x

I personally wouldn’t do it face to face. There’s likely going to be some big emotions, and it may be difficult. Instead, a text to explain that you’re expecting, but appreciate they might find that news difficult and need some space, that you understand etc. That way, she can react to your news in whichever way she feels, without unintentionally hurting your feelings.
Likewise, if the overriding emotion is one of joy for you, she can let you know that she’s happy for you, can’t wait to see you etc etc.

Just speaking from my experience of a friend sharing their news very soon after my own loss.

Also, for you, this is an exciting time! It’s okay to feel those conflicting emotions, but you should also be allowed to celebrate and feel happy about your pregnancy. You didn’t do this to upset her, and you don’t need to feel guilty. Horrible and unfair things happen all the time, you can simultaneously hold space for what’s happened to them, and be happy for you. ❤️

I’m in a similar boat! I’m 8 weeks and my cousin lost a baby at 24 weeks in February. She would have been due next month…just around the time I can start telling family. It’s so tricky!!

I had a slightly different situation where I became pregnant at the same time as my older brother and his wife, my first their second. At her 9week ultrasound they found a malignant cancerous tumor in her uterus and it had killed the baby and was at an advanced stage. We almost lost her. My eldest often reminds me of that time and just that there might’ve been another cousin in the family, I can’t imagine how they feel. She’s alive and healthy now, I have never asked about how she felt about losing the baby specifically, I have asked about her experience with it all, she speaks about the medical issues but not the baby. I know my brother was very scared of losing her. It’s super emotional and super hard but the fact is you have a blessing and a joy coming in your life and you need to let them process it how they need to, which you can’t know. I would tell the parents and ask their advice. They will have better insight knowing their personalities.

I’ve been in this exact situation, my bother in law and sister in law miscarried around the same sort of mark around 20 weeks.
When my husband and I got pregnant we wait until about 12 weeks just to be on the safe side and then we message them first. This is the exact message we sent.

We’ve got some news to share with you both… call us when you get a chance 🤰🏻👨🏾‍🍼 but keep it to yourselves.

We said this because we wanted them to feel special by being the first ones to know and so they found out even before my MIL and the rest of my husbands siblings. They FaceTimed us straight away and were really happy for us. We wanted to give them time to process the news. It’s been a really difficult time for them and nothing will change what they have been through but we try and involve them and not take things too personally when they don’t want to be a part of it etc.

my best friend sent me an email to let me know they were expecting a few weeks after our 2nd miscarriage. It was so much easier to process my feelings and to respond. It gives you the ability to warn them you are about to announce. You should not have to dampen your announcement at all for them, just don’t blindside them. Please don’t announce to your family (except quietly to people like your mum & Dad) before you speak to them. 23 weeks would be a devastating loss and whilst she will be happy for you (or should be) she will undoubtedly be sad for her and your brother. Don’t hide it from them, people who have gone through loss unfortunately can’t get away from the pregnancy/birth announcements and learn to process their feelings away from others. Hopefully they will get their own baby. We just had our double rainbow 8 weeks ago.

I would tell them first but do so over message. Telling them in person may feel like an ambush and doesn’t allow them time to process their feelings.
Don’t make it common knowledge that you weren’t trying and being careful, that’ll really sting.
Just be honest with them and let them have their room to feel all the horrible feelings they’ll likely feel. It won’t be personal, it’s just the natural process for most in their situation.
You don’t need to feel bad or guilty about your pregnancy but I would give them whatever space they need. They will likely be grieving all over again once they hear the news

1000% this 👍🏼

Yes, I agree. Tell them first and allow space. Maybe be careful about how much you talk about your pregnancy/ baby in front of them for a while, especially complaining too much about symptoms. (She might find that tricky to hear if pregnancy is all she wants) It’s not easy when you’re excited, but try to talk about things you used to talk about. Let them lead on how much the pregnancy is discussed maybe. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to come to a baby shower or unfollow you online if you post a lot about pregnancy… but You absolutely deserve to celebrate this! This is a big event for you and I’m sure they’ll eventually be very happy for you and love the baby 🥰 they might just need a little time to adjust…
I’ve been on both sides of this - I think it’s just important to be reading each others cues and to tread carefully x

I wouldn't tell his side until 25w. Only because some people can't help but say negative things. I know they mean well and only trying to help.
"Don't do xyz or you'll miscarry" type of comments just don't sit well with me.

Please consider carefully telling her face to face. Otherwise peoples experience with that may not be too bad bit it was hell for me.
I am infertile, had to deal with that for 6 years before having my daughter. I had many transfers via IVF. I lost three babies. All during that time I had people telling me their news face to face and it is the hardest thing to navigate. You need time to process your own feelings first. I was once told over the phone and I had to mute the call because the tears were overwhelmingly obvious.

I’m so sorry you went through that. Recurrent losses & infertility are so cruel. I only had 2 within 6 months before having our daughter at 39 and it was so painful. Only a fraction of what you went through so I can’t imagine how that felt. Congrats on having your daughter. She was the one you were supposed to have evidently. Totally agree with the not doing it in person. The one time that I was told and there was an announcement, I couldn’t hold the tears in when they announced in front of me. I felt awful as it was about them and not me.