What’s the better option for children - an inconsistent father or an absent father?
This is a very long story short and discounting my relationship with their father completely as it’s not my main concern and would take a long time to type lol - my kids dad is very inconsistent with communication and has been for a very long time (like 2 years) and he recently a couple of months ago has gone to jail. He of course acts like he wants his family and wants to change etc. but still does not communicate consistently with any of us. For example he didn’t call for 2 weeks and just called today and was flabbergasted that I would suggest it may be better to not communicate at all if he still can’t be consistent. He blames not calling on various things and has for a long time - now he blames it on not having credit in prison. It’s also not like he says he won’t call for weeks at a time he often says to my son he will call the next day or later on etc and then doesn’t call for ages which obviously leaves my son upset and with a lot of questions. Sometimes he calls a few times a week other times it will be a week or 2 weeks we don’t hear anything.
Some other relevant points to the story:
-He will be out the beginning of next year.
-my sons are 11 months and 5 years
-my eldest does not know he’s in jail just thinks he’s working away.
I know there’s a lot missing to the story to maybe get a full understanding 😅 but I think my main question is: is it better to have a completely absent father or an inconsistent one?
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(We’ve also had countless arguments about this so he knows how I feel about it and how it affects my son and it doesn’t seem to change anything)
Honestly, I would rather an absent one until they are old enough to understand it themselves, maybe 7 or 8. Then my answer would switch to an inconsistent father and explain to the kid alot that it is not their fault.
As someone who had an inconsistent dad that turned into an absent one I would say an absent is better. I would get my hopes up and look forward to seeing my dad only for him to cancel last minute and then not hear from him for ages. I would get upset when I was a kid because I couldn't understand why my dad didn't love me enough to be around. Then he just disappeared and with that meant I could no longer be disappointed by him
You do have to be careful. He can go to court and say you're keeping his kids from him. But you can also save evidence of his inconsistencies to prove he never shows up.
My baby father is in jail and I cut off all ties because he hasn’t called in a year because I’ve moved on and had another baby with my partner apparently it’s because “I never told him” but it’s none of his business he’s been in for 5 years already but he’s always been inconsistent but this year I just said nope I’m not doing that and cut off all ties my daughter don’t deserve that but also he’s got 30 years so what’s the point any way, but since ur baby father is home soon he might want too come out and try to make amends Ik jail changes men sometimes as I grew up with a father in jail and we are closer then ever
I had a pretty inconsistent father, especially after my parents split up when I was 6, but even before too, because he was a travelling salesman and an alcoholic.
I’m thankful that my mom didn’t stop him from seeing us. I’m happy for the relationship we had and I’m glad to have had him in my life.
this is my worry that all the the upset from him being let down and confused will be damaging I can already see some insecurities starting and anxieties about people leaving. Thanks for sharing x
I don’t think he would ever go down that route, but also in the uk they wouldn’t tend to side with someone like my kids father. My health visitor and a few other people on the social sort of side I’ve confided in for advice have indicated it might not be a good idea for him to be around. So I don’t ever really worry about that side of it x
wow I’m sorry for your situation that must be really hard. This is the other side of it that keeps me answering the phone and giving him chances, one day he might change for the better and I don’t like to think it will be too late
thanks for sharing. Did your mum just let you speak to him and see him whenever he called or came around no matter how long it had been? Did she explain to you why or anything? x
Absent.
I had an absent father and only had to go through heartbreak once. When he left.
My first daughter has an inconsistent father and is constantly going through heartbreak. It’s hard for me to watch 😔 she is now almost 13 and has blocked him on everything (her decision) I just support her when it comes to her father, I never make those decisions for her.
She let him see us whenever he came around and he ended up moving back in with us several times over the years. She always ended up kicking him out when the drinking got bad.
He lived in his car or short term room rentals when he wasn’t living with us so sometimes he would disappear for a few months at a time but always showed back up again. He always showed up for Christmas and thanksgiving, most birthdays too. Sometimes he would give my mom money if he won big at the track.
My mom always sheltered us from his drinking and never really spoke negatively about him to us directly.
I actually really liked when he came around and was happy to see him. I didn’t really clue in that it was weird until I was in my teens, and it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized how messed up our situation really was.
He died when I was 25 and it hit me pretty hard. I can’t imagine what my life would’ve been like without knowing him.
I’m so sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing all that. It helps to understand and hear how people feel as an adult having gone through similar situations, as my childhood wasn’t anything like my kids. I think you’ve helped me (along with a couple of the other comments) make a decision how I’m hoping to handle this going forward, so thank you ❤️
In my situation, he was a good dad to the best of his abilities. He genuinely loved and cared about us, but he just couldn’t conquer his own internal demons.
I think that’s why my mom let us have a relationship with him. If he just didn’t give a shit about us and came around sporadically for his own selfish reasons, I wouldn’t blame her for setting firm boundaries or cutting him off completely.
Also, thank you for the condolences 🫶🏼
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