A pain like no other
We lost our Eliana at 21 weeks. Having to go through an induction without getting to bring her home was so hard. Breaking it to our kids who were so excited (this was my husbands and I first together and had been trying for so long). Never being able to know what she would’ve looked like or how her laugh wouldve sounded like. I feel like a rug has been swept from under me and I don’t know how to get back up. Not knowing who to call or what to do to cope. Especially if they can’t relate, I don’t want to be felt sorry for or told I can just try again. My husband is so strong and we check in with each other constant but when he leaves town for work I don’t want to call him just to cry. Sitting here just milking myself for a baby that’s not here…I can’t help but think it was my fault (even thought that’s the first thing they say when you find out baby is no longer with us) and I’m just thinking of things that I should’ve done or not done. I know I’ll never get the answers to why she didn’t make it but this hurts so much how does anyone go on?! I still have my husband and kids and need to show up for them. I don’t want to spiral into that dark hole, I can’t. But apart of me feels empty 😔
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I am so sorry you’ve dealt with this. we all, unfortunately, have been there. It never goes away. Im sure of it. Take your time in your grief. Grieve how you need to. Find a way to make peace with it the best you can, realizing Eliana will always be with you in a way that your other kids won’t. Honor her in whatever ways you can. I lost my first child, Cayden, in June at 20 weeks and most days I’m fine and others, it’s like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. it’s a wave that we’ll never get off of but eventually we will learn how to navigate it more smoothly. Praying for you and sweet Eliana.
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Audrey.
Take things one hour at a time. Don't punish yourself for not being as strong as you think you should be.
My Ruth passed away this August so I know it's devastating and so unfair.
Big hug to you.
May the much-loved Eliana rest in perfect peace.
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