Am I wrong?

Me and the father of my kids have been through a whole lot. Long story short there has been physical, mental, and emotional abuse in this relationship. On and off for 11 years now. We both have done so many wrong things in this relationship, it’s not one sided. I will take accountability for my actions. So at this point the resentment and tension that we sometimes get from remembering something from the past starts an argument between us. When we start talking the conversation goes nowhere. What I’m trying to do now is leave but I have done that before with the kids. Because he refuses to co parent with me so I have no help. So now I’m deciding to leave but without my kids. And that is a lot I can’t come to terms with that. I feel like a horrible mother if I do that. Part of me wants to go and finally start working do something but I can’t leave them. But in reality, if we both went to court I would have lost custody anyway because I have no job no car no money I have nothing . He works he has a house a car, I just don’t know what to do . If to stay here and continue living in this situation or leave without my kids and start from scratch.